I know that I am not alone here....feeling as if no matter how hard you try things only appear to get worse with the time. This rut almost seems impossible to escape when all you want to do is get ahead in life's quake. Problems come in three's it seems. Your job, your car and the water shuts off all in one week. I have been there. We have already endured enough haven't we? Why can't we just get a break? It seems as if the harder we try the worse things get. The love I once felt is now coated with hate.
This cannot be my fate. Then the failure sits heavy within. Am I failing everyone around me? I am failing myself, my man and my children? Who am I? I do not see the person I once was. The woman who used to be so strong suddenly feels so helpless. The woman who could handle the world all on her own can hardly be optimistic anymore. She was unbreakable until the physical, mental and emotional abuse hit her core.
Felt so much pain to the point where she doesn't feel unstoppable like she once did. Always felt so blessed to live and now she just feels worthlessness. Can't even get out of bed because the inevitable depression has invaded her head. Told so many times by the people who were supposed to love and honor her that she wasn't shit. They said so much so eventually she started to believe it.
I am nothing, I am nothing, but a speck. I wanted to be great, but who would think I'd be success?
I keep fighting everyday, but nothing positive comes by me. I really need your blessings lord. Do not let what he did to me win please. I was this and I was that, but this man made me hate all that I am. I need to get back on this horse lord. I need that mentality I once had!
This cannot be it for me because my family deserves so much and more. I feel as if this is all my fault. I cannot give in when I have come so far, but why? Why am I so detached from the person I was before this pain? I want amnesia....block out the past six years...block out all the negative thoughts and cold rain.
What ever I need to do to heal please tell me so I can live. I do not know how to smile with memories and scare me half to death. I am trying to breathe positive....think positive...write positive. I want to be positive! but how when all these negative thoughts haunt me? And on top of everything else life just doesn't want me.
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