Can Being Fatherless Contribute to A Life of Abuse?

   

       I watched closely as a young mother, who couldn’t have been more than 20 years of age gathered her three children and their belongings together in a hurry as the city bus pulled up to their stop. I was seated towards the front searching out the window. I waited for the father to magically appear to help this young lady carry her things, but there wasn’t a male figure in sight of her. I thought to myself “Where the hell is the dad at?” You could see the sadness in her eyes as she struggled to keep all the children in line while trying to lift a stroller with one arm as a toddler hung crying from her right.

      I immediately empathized with her frustration as she yelled at the kids to sit down and be quiet so she could insert the money into the meter, money I am sure she didn’t have with so many mouths to feed. Although I really did not know her life story I had seen this picture too many times to count. Young mothers who are forced to fend for themselves on these streets alone without the help of the father who certainly didn’t mind contributing to their pregnancies.

    These men or young boys in my opinion are the ones choosing not to wear protection for whatever reason they give you while you are “in the heat of the moment.” They choose to gamble the possibility of fatherhood, but then when it happens they feel they can walk away without a speck of regret. I could never understand how a person could just walk away from their own flesh and blood because they don’t feel nor want to take responsibility.

      I have seen men avoid fatherhood completely just because they don’t feel like dealing with the female they knocked up, but they made that choice to sleep with her. They made the choice to tell that woman everything she needed to hear so he could bed her one night, then rid of her the next. I don’t hate on fun, but fun should always involve protection. In even sadder situations I have seen women deliberately keep their children from their father because the man didn’t want to further their own relationship and start a family.

     I can empathize with that type of rejection as a woman, but we cannot do that to our babies. No matter how hurt we are, if a man wants to be there for his children and he is a good father, we need to let them and let go. But when they are not there do they realize what that child will go through mentally without him around? They may feel neglected, forgotten, feel as if they were not good enough, feel like their father didn’t want them and so on. These feeling may very well correlate with how they will choose their partners In the future. This is how fatherless children could lead to being an abuser or being a victim of abuse themselves.

    Children who do not get the proper guidance they need in order to grow into young adults end up looking for role models out here in the streets. There is only so much a single mother or father can do for their child. I am a single parent and I know I did a hell of a job raising my daughter, but there is only so much my daughter can gain from me. Her father is supposed to guide her in ways that will help her learn how to love and trust men in the future. Girls need to grow into women having that male perspective when it comes to choosing her relationships. Without it, they will be looking for a daddy in everyone she meets.

      When we grow without that perspective we often trust the wrong types of men, which eventually make it difficult to trust a man at all. We may grow into being overly promiscuous when seeking that male attention, often letting all sorts of men abuse us physically, mentally and emotionally. Our virginity is no longer a prize, it is instead an asset. We may even run into unsuspecting older men (who are old enough to be our fathers) who parade us with gifts in the beginning only to rape and pimp us out in the end. We learn to trust them without really knowing why, when all they are doing is preying on our vulnerability. I have seen this with my own eyes. When I lived in the city, I couldn’t believe how many men asked me if they could pimp me out. I was sick!

      Growing up without a father figure is detrimental for both young women and men. If these boys are without a male role model, how are they going to learn how to treat us ladies right? They are simply going to learn it elsewhere, which may not necessarily be in a positive light. I couldn’t believe how young these men were who were trying to get me to be their prostitute. They weren’t even old enough to get into a bar.

      I am not saying that all kids without a father will automatically be screwed up and every one of them will choose a negative path because that is simply not true.  I have seen great, great kids come from single parent households all the time with values as strong as oak. I am just saying there is always a small percentage where the risks run very high in single parent households and if you’re living in a tough and economically challenged environment the risks are even higher.  

      When we grow up without fathers, as a woman it is hard to know which type of man you are supposed to love and which ones we are meant to stay clear from. Our fathers are meant to be there to show us how special we are, how valuable our virginity is and what we should expect from a real man. It is important that our future generations grow up in a healthy environment, whether divorce is inevitable or not.

    If you are a parent who has lost touch with your child, it is very important that you find a way to reconnect with them. Even if you made a million mistakes kids have room to forgive. If they are young adults, it may take time, but at least they will always know you tried and that is what is important. After 11 years, my daughter’s father finally stepped up and wanted to be a dad. He spent 11 years abusing me, doing drugs, chasing women and hopping from jail to jail again and again. Even after all that pain she went through, she forgave him. It has only been a few months since he has cleaned up, but I will tell you that little girl is happier than she has ever been. This may be the thing that saves her from making the choices I once did and that is all I could ever pray for.

 

 KIDS NEED TWO PARENTS AND THESE STATS SHOW WHY

1. 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]

2. 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census] 3. 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]

4. 71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
5. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]

6. 85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]

7. 90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]

8. 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]

9. 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]

10. 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]

11. 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]

12. Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]