Is forgiveness even possible when you have survived the absolute worst? As a child, all we ever had to do was dream. We dreamed about who would we be as we aged slowly into adulthood. I had so many ideas about who I would become, but I never imagined I would call myself a survivor. Yes we all survive so many different situations all throughout our lives, but did you ever dream of surviving abuse? No! I never even thought my character would accept such discrimination, but love will make you do crazy things.
I saw an episode that aired today on Dr. Phil, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. Today I heard stories from women who escaped. These women left everything behind to live in a shelter because their men either threw boiling hot water on their face, tried to stab them or beat them past recognition. The pictures were horrifying. Actually seeing yourself in such a state is a major reality check. We never thought the abuse would intensify to such measures, but anger is unpredictable and will escalate in any given situation
Anger is a very powerful emotion. Our partners lash out at us and we learn to develop such deep rooted hate overtime. I got tired of getting beat by the hands of a man who claimed to love me. Eventually I developed the nerve to hit him back. It did nothing to make my situation any better, in fact it made it much worse and I wouldn't recommend it. I should have just called 911. I was just tired of taking it, but my anger got the best of me.
After years of beating one another to pieces I finally let him go physically, but my mind and heart would not hear of it. Nothing but pure anger, resentment and regret took ahold of me. I reached out to several different trauma counselors over a long period of time to help me with the healing process. Each and every one all had one statement in common to help me resolve the hate I had possessed. "You have to forgive him! Not forgive him for him, you have to forgive him for yourself."
I was completely confused and wanted to slap the first counselor who had spoken such crap to me. How can we forgive a man who did these things to us? How is that even possible? Do you know what he did to me? I had asked her with tears streaming down my face. She had took my hands and put them in hers and smiled. "If you do not forgive him, you will live with this feeling forever. Once you learn to forgive, you can move past this hate you have for him, for the world and for yourself."
It took me a long time to understand what she really meant, but it is only meant for you to move beyond your resentment to live a long, happy and healthy life.
Forgiveness is a very important component of the healing process when you suffer through a traumatic situation such as this. I am not saying you need to have a conversation with the man and be best friends no not at all. You will know what I am talking about when you are ready, but forgiving is important for your growth. Sometimes, it just isn't the right time, but it is something that should be done for yourself when you are ready and willing. You do not even have to say anything to your abuser. You can just learn how to forgive him from within yourself. If it is a conversation you need to have, I suggest having people with you to support you in a public place after a long period of time has passed or over the phone. You deserve to be free from this pain. You deserve to feel safe, be happy and to be yourself again!
I didn't even know where to start so that I could forgive a speck of what had been done to me. Women sometimes lose everything in order to escape the relationship. They can lose materials, their homes, their friends and family and maybe even their children. We even lose a piece of ourselves, which is not an easy piece to get back. With the right support from groups, counselors and anybody that can be there for you is always a great start in regaining your strength. You will start to feel more of a sense of safety and self worth the longer you are apart from your abuser, but the first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself!
You did not know this would happen to you, to your children and to your entire life. You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions. You cannot hate yourself for not leaving sooner. You may not have had the chance or opportunity to since abuser's often isolate and control their partner's. We have to accept that this it what happened and we need to learn how to move past it. We must forgive ourselves and our abuser, although forgiving our abuser is not going to be easy.
It took me almost a decade to forgive my abuser and I still have my moments where I just want to cry and scream "Whyyyyyyyyyy?" Because all forms of abuse affect you in more than one way. It affects how you act, how you act towards others, your trust, how you love (if you can ever love anyone again),. It affects your personality, your motivation for achievement, how you are socially, it creates the need for chemical dependency and most of all it screws with you mentally. Abuse kills your self esteem, self worth and your identity as an individual. There is so much abuse does to you as a woman, but with time healing is possible.
You can live a full and happy life. Just try your best not to shut out love if the opportunity presents itself. Not all men are the same, but be cautious and do not rush yourself. This is your time now! This is time for you and your children to feel safe. You need to work on getting back to who you were before this ordeal happened. Although we will never be the same, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I believe that 100%! Good luck ladies and much love!
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