When a woman is
abused for so long by the people she loves and trusts the most, she hardly
recognizes what a good thing looks like anymore. Even when a nice, good
looking, church going gentlemen (or women) is staring at her with an appetizing
expression screaming “Here I am right here, so come get me!” she still manages
to try to shrug him off like a pesky little fly. Knowing deep down, inside the pit
of her stomach she knows she deserves a piece of the happy life, she still hesitates
to give any quality competitors a chance to show her what real affection feels
like. Everything inside of her keeps telling she doesn’t deserve such luxury.
“There is no way a
man like that would ever want baggage like this!” Just the mere thought of
regret crossing his mind stops me in my tracks, but I decide to befriend him seeing
is that we were working together. I don’t know why, but he had this magnetic
pull on me I just couldn’t explain. I wanted him in my life and couldn’t figure
out why when a relationship was the last thing on my list to priorities. He was
the opposite of every man I ever dated, but maybe that is why the pull was so strong.
He was different, but different in a good way. Besides falling for bad boys almost
always end badly. The reason us women keep getting hurt in relationships is
because we continue to crave the same type of man. Changing things up with definitely
change your perspective on dating and on men in general.
I was just getting
out of 6 year battle with an ex who cheated on me, beat me, stole from me and
made me lose everything I had ever worked for in my 24 years of life. There
would be no trust left for me to give even if he was even interested. I was
empty, alone and because my ex had nearly killed me, Child Protective Services
made sure my daughter’s safety rested in the hands of my controlling mother. A
mother, I had no relationship with outside of her love for my daughter. I was a
victim and CPS used that weakness to take her from me, threatening if I didn’t
press charges against my ex my daughter would land in foster care. What an
amazing, supportive system we have in America huh? Instead of trying to help
me, counsel me and get me the support I needed, they punished me for being
abused. That feeling had to have been
the worst feeling to ever have when I had no one else in my corner. I felt like
a complete failure when my daughter was always my one and only priority. Whatever
she needed, I would scrub toilets to obtain.
I had lost it all and
I was on the verge of being homeless and yet this man was here in my circle
trying to help me. When we were together he made me forget all about the pain. But
the more he tried, the more I pushed him away. The more he showed affection,
the more I feared I would fail him. The more I told him to leave me alone, the
more he tried to love me. I could see my actions were starting to take a toll
on him, but he refused to give up on me. I tried with all my might to trust
him, to love him and to believe nothing negative would come of us, but
something was holding me back. There was always this shadow of doubt that
lingered in the back of my mind. It was hard to believe in something real when
the closest people in my life had always been a big disappointment. To add more
salt to the wound my first love choked the life out of me. I didn’t even have
the energy to love myself, let alone someone I had just met. The abuse took
everything from me and trust is something every relationship needs to survive.
My mind just couldn’t
forget what had happened to me. The more my ex put me down, the more I believed
I was unworthy for something good. The more he punched me in my head, the more
I feared man and what man could do to me. The more my ex lied and cheated the
more insecure and crazy minded I became. And I brought all of what he had done
to me into my new relationship. I was sure this new man was going to hurt me.
I was absolutely sure! But each month that passed, there was no evidence to
support my claims. Every nightmare I woke out of crying and screaming this man
held me tight. Every time a block fell in the midst of my path he pushed me
with positive words and guidance. When family would purposely hurt me and put
me down, he would tell me to forget about them and keep moving forward. He just
seemed too good to be true.
Every single day he
took on the challenge to try to love somebody that had been damaged goods for
so long. I didn’t have a supportive family and most of the friends I had grown
up with were either in jail or had overdosed from heroin. My ex made me lose everything, from my car to
my job, my home and my child. I even lost him. I had to start all over from
scratch. I was getting things in order and I had to admit, this new man was my
main support system. He wasn’t preying on my vulnerability like most men. He
wasn't using me for a piece of ass. He simply just loved being with me. He kept my
head up and I did the same for him.
I went to therapy,
domestic violence support groups, AA meetings to keep my drinking to a minimum
and I even started volunteering to feed the homeless. The abuse nearly made me
fall off, but I managed to get up the nerve to live a full life again. After a
trauma, your mind just doesn’t work the same. You see things from a different
perspective and trusting people doesn’t seem possible. It took 3 years for me
to stop flinching when people flailed up their hands. It took time for me to
stop crying every night and for me to believe that real love could exist. Even
though I experienced so much devastation, I really learned a lot about myself
and the people around me. I tried to take this negative and turn it into a
positive. That is why I started this blog in the first place…to help!
I know that I
couldn’t have done this without this one man. The one man I put through hell in
back in order for me to heal properly. I am grateful for his patience and
extremely grateful that he didn’t leave even when I begged him too. I didn’t
feel I deserved such great love. Now I no longer feel weak, instead I feel
empowered, empowered enough to speak on my experiences so that other women can
relate to me. We often feel alone, but there are more of us than you may think.
You may feel as if your trust has run thin and I am sure that it has, but do
not give up on love. Do not give yourself up to the first man who begs for your
attention, be cautious yes, but do not give up!
After abuse it’s hard to believe such miracles
could even exist, but they do and they did for me. I haven’t even scratched the
surface of my experiences and for someone who has been through hell and back,
it says a lot when I tell you there are good men out there…you just may have to
change what you are really looking for. Do you want the same old bad boy? Or do
you want to live a great life? Do not give up on love sister….there is love
past abuse!
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