Don't Let Him Take Your Smile

      

      I know it has been too long since I have written. I made a commitment to myself and to those that have taken the time to read my thoughts, feelings and tainted emotions and yet I have been absent. I haven't tried to neglect the audience that has supported me from day one, but sometimes writer's have moments where they are not sure what to say. We all have different lives on the outside and it can be consuming at times. We have moments where we just need to take a minute to re-group and my daughter has been quite ill, but I not forgotten what I started here.
      I wanted to make a connection to those women who have all experienced the same pain as I. A hole that dug so deep in our hearts, we couldn't even see the bigger picture. I chased a dream with a man that never dreamed at all, he just lived from moment to moment and never wanted what I knew I could obtain. My parents were not the type of people to cheer me on to the next phase in life, but I knew I was a strong women with undeniable passion for success.
      Let's just say a relationship hardly survives when one partner wants more in life than the other. I can't possibly strive and have a partner who could care less about goals and life's ambition. I thought our love was unbreakable and a man would try for the woman he loves, but all he tried to do was to get high, beat me and go to jail, a cycle that only repeated itself for 6 long years. You would have thought I would have the sense to realize that he wasn't the right guy for me, but his struggles felt my struggles and we connected.
       I stayed as he let me down again and again. I was faithful even when he would cheat on a regular basis. I was a provider as he continued to sleep in everyday making my resentment obvious on my face. I became a hateful woman, even in public and in front of our mutual friends. I despised the person I was and I was angry, hurt and I was a victim of physical, mental and emotional violence.     
        Being told you are a mistake everyday to the man you take care of, support and honor slowly starts to kill the little light inside of our own smile. I never smiled much when we went out or hung out with our friends, but everybody knew. They knew he was a horrible man to me and most would question how I could even fall for a guy like him, but I am a forgiving person who adores the little things in life our partners show us in secrecy. You hold on to those good moments, praying that they would just occur more often. But they don't. We yell, we fight and now we are injured.
       I look back on all my mistakes and shake my head to the choices I once made, but the truth is, is that I was a loving, forgiving, strong, independent woman and I still am. I just wish I could have had the strength the leave sooner than I did. I waited faithfully every bid in jail he did. I ignored all the missing money and I literally let him hurt me physically and just let him apologize after.
      There eventually comes that time in your relationship where you have to tell your mind, body and spirit that enough is enough. We are weak and tired....very, very tired of crying. We are tired of this all and all you don't care to give me in return for my dedication to our bond. I made you a father and I tried to make you a man, but no woman on earth can do such thing. We cannot teach our men to be men. A man would never live each day with the intention of maliciously hurting the one they claim to love for dear life. That last time I was his girlfriend was the day he nearly ended my life and I have not looked back since.
       If you are living hell every day then maybe you should seek a change. They always tell us that the problem is us, but of course they are going to say that!! Have they ever taken responsibility for their actions? Yeah, maybe....until they just do it again and again until he really hurts us. I was traumatized by his way with words, his humor and lastly I was traumatized indefinitely by his hate for life itself. I was the punching bag as he dealt with his issues and I made it a point to hold it in. There went my willingness to speak on what I endured at home when the world slept. I was silent and then I broke.
      Nervous breakdowns are not suggested, but the stress can literally kill you from the inside, out. I lost a dramatic amount of weight, I became promiscuous and I didn't trust a soul........until I met man number two. The kind of man I thought would never lay eyes on me, but he did and he slowly taught me how to love again. It was a process, a very lengthy process that took years of commitment and strength (on his part).
      The honest truth was, was this man was a good man, a real good man and I tried to make him leave me, I tried to convince him how damaged and broken I was and how I did not deserve his love. I almost gave up my future because I was purposely sabotaging a chance at real love because of what my ex told me I was??? "I was a mistake!" That is what always went through my mind because that is all I ever lived. I never felt free, really free! I never experienced a happiness that extended past a week. Our happiness never stops and I cannot stop thinking how grateful I am to have such an amazing person in my life, the type of person I never thought would love me.
       I went on a date tonight and I took my man out for dinner for his birthday. It was the greatest night of my life...I felt real genuine appreciation for the patience this man had for me to get healthy mentally again. We now have been together for almost 7 years and sometimes I just cannot believe the pain I allowed into my life so long ago. How did I not see it? Why did I stay so long?
       These questions torment me at times, but my man always tells me the past was the past, lets look ahead to our future and let the past motivate us through. (Most people will not understand what we went through and they have a tough time relating to such experiences).
       I know a lot of us have not sought another relationship, or maybe we have, we just keep getting similar results in our taste in men. But we just simply need to change that and tweak that a bit. We get crappy results if we are choosing the same type of guy, but we have a taste and I get that,,,,sometimes we yearn for the bad boys, but I think we had enough bad boy for a lifetime. It took me years to realize that good even men existed, but they do and my man is not perfect by any means but he would never, ever lay a hand on me. He would never disrespect me and he has never once made me feel how I used to feel everyday for six years.
      I just want to shed some hope on your future because you have a future ahead of you and we decide who we will share it with. I can't say that this pain will ever leave you because it never leaves you. Our memories are a constant reminder of the turn of events that played out overtime, but as time ticks on, we will build new memories and create a safe environment for ourselves. We can be whatever it is we what to be....I know it seems hopeless, but it's only hopeless if you give up. We are too strong for that...I mean look at what we went through and we are still here, still standing tall and undefeated.
       The time will slowly start to eat away the pain piece by piece and getting support from friends, family members or even other domestic violence survivors will help with the journey to recovery.
I understand we also may have children by our abusers and it will be tough to face him when visitation begins, but that is only something that can pass with time. Nothing is easy about that. Having a third party involved would be helpful in that process so you do not have to communicate with your ex. Drop the kids off at the third party's destination and he can pick them up. That would be a helpful solution if you can make it happen.
       The point of all of this babbling is simple to me.....I am so appreciative that I have my smile, my safety and my security back. If you see something good in someone, don't try to push them away from your heart. A friend is always good to have near, but when you are ready to move on, a decent man will never be far. I really do believe we have soul-mates, we just have a hard time trying to figure out who they are. We try relationships like we try on shoes...we are looking for the right fit and your other half is out there, more than likely waiting on you to open your heart to him.
       It is never too late to have a little faith and of all the people in the world I believe in your ability to achieve greatness. I am a complete stranger indeed, but I have walked in your shoes and you have walked in mine. Together all we can do is try to push one another forward....forward into our careers, our health, our stability, our families and most of all, we need a gentle push in our trust for others. One man hurt us and he lit us on fire, but that doesn't mean another man cannot put out the burning flame and kiss your wounds.

The Potty Mouth Princesses are Breaking the Silence

      These viral videos are getting everyone talking about Domestic Violence and Feminism! People love it and people hate it! How do you feel about little girls being the messengers of this content? Yes the videos may not be as tasteful as most commercials are regarding violence and equality against women, but the point is to get you talking and I think it's working!!! The director behind these videos is intentionally trying to raise awareness on physical abuse. His goal was to make you see that every victim is someone's little girl, someone's princess and this is what happens when a man hurts her.
      The campaign was created for a non-profit advocacy organization promoting sexual, racial and gender equity through the sale of clothing. All the proceeds for the F-Bomb tee shirts are all going to women and men who are victims of violence. These little girls are paid actors whose mother's are very proud that their child's voice is being heard for such great cause.
      One of the mother's Luke Montgomery stated "The whole idea was using a bad word for a good cause to get people's attention," explained Montgomery. "A lot of people are focusing on that we use the 'F' word in this video… The reason we did use the 'F' word is because we want people to focus on statistics like one out of five women will be raped or sexually assaulted in their lifetime, or the fact that women and men doing the exact same job, the woman gets paid 23 percent less than men. In 2014, that's what's shocking, not the 'F' word."
   You have to admit that this was a good idea because it immediately caught your attention. No we may not like them, but at least people are speaking up and demanding that we will not take this anymore! We will no longer tolerate Domestic Violence! Click on the link below to get to The Potty Mouth Princesses on YouTube!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNXvduPr4Mw

No More Secrets, No More Lies!

 

     I know we all know what it is like to keep a secret. That is something we all have in common. We at times feel as if we need to lie to our family, our friends and to ourselves without even realizing why. In the beginning I am sure we all felt the same deep love and infatuation for the man who had stolen our heart. We all believed he was "The One." We adjusted comfortably within the honeymoon stage, yearning to make love each and every night, pacing for him to call and begging for him to stay. But one day it all changed. We were tricked into thinking he was someone he was not and now we are up against the wall. We are seeing a different side, a side we would never expect to accept, but love will make you do the unimaginable.
   We had already bragged to the about how great our man is and how lucky we are to have found true love at last. So how can we let our friends and families know he is a woman beater and that we still love him? It sounds ridiculous when we say it out loud, but we all understand one another here so there is no judgment. We can't tell them! They will just look at us crazy and tell us to leave them. They will never understand! In our minds we think the abuse is only temporary. We think he is going to change at any moment because maybe we are just having a rough time now.  Heck we can make him change and we will do what ever we need to do to make it happen. We need to be there and be strong for our men right?
    I had these same thoughts as you do now. I thought supporting my man and trying to change him would bring the love back. If he didn't hit me in the beginning he can surely stop right? Well it took me six years to finally get it. It doesn't stop because he doesn't want to stop. He wants to continue using you as a doormat and a punching bag when ever he wants to shed blame. He is blaming you for all the wrong in his life and he knows you will take it. When abusers vent they usually vent and abuse the one they feel most comfortable with. They know you will not call the police or run and tell someone. They know you will keep their secret.
   It isn't fair that you were forced to tell such lies. It is embarrassing to admit who your boyfriend/husband is when no one's eyes are on you. You are not the type of person who would take this but you have and you have kept it to yourself out of fear. Fear of criticism from outsiders or maybe fear of what he might do if you told a soul.
   I was ashamed to admit what I was accepting. I was afraid to be alone and I was afraid my daughter would lose her father. I was overtaken with fear and rejection so I suppressed the pain and made an attempt to go on with my life. We would have our good days and we would have our bad. The bad ones were really, really bad. So bad I had nightmares for years, so bad I would flinch at any sudden close movements, so bad that I couldn't trust anyone. We all live through the bad and some of us are still living it today.
   For those of you women who have stayed, I just want to tell you how strong you are for putting up with such trauma. I also want to share with you how great it is after that pain is long gone. I know at times we feel we deserve it, but why? Why do we feel that we deserve to be hit and kicked and strangled over nonsense? Why? We keep asking ourselves why because we are trying to justify his actions and we cannot so we just blame ourselves when the blame is pointed in the wrong direction. No one deserves to be kicked down to the ground and neither do you.
    I could tell you to leave, but then so can many others. I cannot tell you anything. You have to know in your heart that you deserve to be treated as an equal, as a woman and as a person. You have the right to speak up and to get mad and to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You have rights and he is stripping you of those rights as a human being. I am telling you, you are beautiful, strong, independent loving women! I am telling you! I am a stranger yes, but I understand what you are feeling.
     I understand your thoughts and emotions and I understand what hell feels like and this is it! This is hell...abuse is hell! We have been lying and covering up their behavior for so long we can't even recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore. They have changed who were are and we shouldn't have to change the better part of ourselves because someone else feels like dumping their load on us for no reason. We chose to fall in love and we chose to explore our options, but we did not choose this life. We didn't choose to be in the physical, mental and emotional pain he causes us everyday we open our eye lids. We deserve to be happy.
   I know that is what you really desire and I know all you want is for this one man to be desired again. If only he would stop these few things you could have your fairytale, but he is not choosing to do so. It's a tough realization to accept. Knowing that the one person you love won't change breaks us in more than one way, but that is the truth we have to face before it kills us. His words and actions are killing us more and more each day and it only takes one time to end your life for good. I wouldn't want to trade my life for that. I wouldn't want to take that chance.
    I took that chance and I chose to stick it out and to live with it because I was too weak to let him go for good. We can part days and weeks, but to part forever tears in half. The thought alone destroys us, but I promise you what you think is love now is not what love is. Love is more than this. Love is unconditional and love doesn't hurt us with words or their fists. Love doesn't put us down, call us names or make us feel as if we are their one mistake in life. Love is support and trust and love would never intend on hurting us as an act of revenge.
    I never knew what love was until I really experienced it. My first love abused me for six years. All I ever knew wasn't love at all until I met a real man who showed me. I invited him into my past and I talked about all the things I endured with love. In the six years we have been together he has showed me more than I ever read in fairytales. He supported me through my hardships, trust issues and nightmares. He has shown me what a real father is to his children and he would never lay a hand nor a nasty word in my direction.
     I never thought it was possible, but it is. There are knight in shining armors that can be there to support you, honor you and to love you unconditionally. I cannot convince you to believe me, but I hope my stories can shed some light in your life. There is hope! Aren't you tired of fighting? Lying and keeping secrets? I know I am and I know I'll never let it happen again. Sometimes love just isn't enough. There has to be more. Don't keep his secret anymore! It's time to speak up and it's time to live! You do not have to be ashamed of anything. No more secrets and no more lies! Say it with me sister...NO MORE SECRETS AND NO MORE LIES! Love thyself!

My Daughter Shouldn't Suffer From My Mistakes

     It's hard to admit that I let my daughter suffer when she didn't have too. She had to live through my mistakes and witness the abuse I suffered at the hands of her own father. I was young, a teenager in love and I had gotten pregnant 8 months into a relationship I thought would last forever. Her father had portrayed a person he failed to become. His words and promises heighted my hopes, the exact way my own father's promises used too. I wanted to rely on someone other than myself for once because my father had let me down in the past, but I couldn't rely on the one man I chose to love.
     He told me he was going to work as hard as he could to take care of his new family when he got the news that I was pregnant. But as the time flew by his body failed to lift from his parents couch. My stomach started to grow by the month and I was working full-time in a factory so I could afford our own apartment for when the baby arrived. I shortly started to realize I was all alone and would be the entire pregnancy. I barely received a foot rub, let alone some financial support. Knowing the obvious still didn't give me enough strength to break it off. I thought he would change and I believed in him. I believed he could be better and he told me he would try.
     I didn't want my daughter to live without a father. I knew what it was like to grow up without one so I made excuses on why I should stay. When he started hitting me I told myself I could suffer this much so she could have a father. In my mind I stayed for my child, but at the same time I really didn't want to be alone. At the time I wasn't very close with my family. The only person I really clicked with was my little brother and he was on crack. He was all I felt I had and he was there for me when I needed him at the time.
     Nothing was more important than for my daughter to have her father there as she came in to the world. He was floating in the clouds as he held her in his arms for the first time and at that moment I knew he would change. The problem was, was my brother introduced him to crack. Now he was a woman beater, a drug addict and father without a job. He lived off of me and in return I had someone to confide in to. He was a full time babysitter when he wasn't going off to jail or on a drug binge. I couldn't afford all our bills and a sitter at the same time. I was on welfare for crying out loud! He was a decent father when he chose to be, but in all honesty he was never really there enough to be a great one.
    As the years went by, he was more and more absent. He was never a father and he never not once worked so he could surprise his child with a Christmas, Easter or birthday gift. I would always buy something and stick his name on it. She saw him hit me, strangle me, kick me, yell at me and he once used her as a human shield so my brother wouldn't beat him up. He punched me as I held her in my arms over not letting him use my cell phone. He did so much damage to her and I didn't even realize it.
    I thought she would be too young to remember. I thought I was doing what was best for her as long as he treated her like an angel, which he always did compared to how he treated me. I was too young to realize why Child Protective Services took her away from me when he beat me to death. I thought I was being punished for being a victim. They should have helped me instead of taking the one thing in my life that I loved. I did everything for my baby and put her first in all that I did. I tried to leave her dad, but he would follow me, stalk me and bang on the doors at odd hours in the middle of the night.
    I thought I was in love and I thought I could change him, help him and save him from his pain. I tried to do my best and in doing so I nearly died. I tried to make him a great father when I should have turned my back. But aren't you supposed to stand by and help the ones you love? Yes I did do that and any woman would. But it had been nearly 6 years and nothing changed. I had to wake up and I had to do what was right for me and my child.
    He went to Prison for 2 years and we left. We didn't write, accept calls and I was working hard to get my daughter back from the mess he caused. I was working hard to heal myself and trying to help my daughter heal from his absence, but she only spiraled out of control. By 5th grade she was getting suspended every other week. She was stealing, lying, fighting and she grew an attitude the size of Jupiter.
    No matter what I did for her nothing could replace the hole in her heart that he had created. After 11 years he decided to become a real father. He got out of Prison, got a job, a nice girlfriend and a stable home for my daughter to visit. He started paying child support and I couldn't not let my daughter see him. She begged me to see him and now she is staying with him temporarily so they can bond.
   This is not something I am fond of. I miss my daughter so much, but I know she just wants to learn who her father is. Her grades have gone up, but her attitude has gotten worse. She blames me for everything and if she only knew the truth, she would be too young to understand it. Right now we are in counseling trying to resolve her pain, but her pain wouldn't be this bad if I had left him! I do feel at fault although I shouldn't because I really did all I could with the resources I had to raise a child so young. I went without for years so she could have everything.
    This is what a mother is supposed to do. She is supposed to give the world to her daughter, but if could rewind back time I never would have let her see the things that she once saw. She says she doesn't remember, but I know she has tried to suppress those memories. She has so much anger for her father, but she chooses not to reveal it for fear he might leave her again. He calls me and acts like he is the father of the year because she is doing well in school now and didn't when I had her and it makes me want to puke, but what can I do?
   I will do anything for my child! I made this decision for her as long as she is in a stable environment and there is no abuse going on. So far everything is going well and it is only temporarily, but I am missing my daughter so much. I just wish I could take her pain away, but I cannot take back the decisions I once made. I want her to be happy and for her to feel normal, but at times she lashes out and throws tantrums that can hardly be controlled.
     I know we all think our kids won't suffer as long as they are not being abused, but that just simply isn't true. I am living, breathing proof and my daughter is suffering mentally and emotionally from the environment she once lived in. She wants me and her dad to get back together, but that will never happen. I guess all kids have wished that who have lived through a divorce or separation of some sort. They wish things would go back to normal, but there is no normal in this situation of mine.
    That man tried to break me and lost. I lost everything, including my trust and self esteem, but the love I received from the man I am dating now has changed my life forever. I am more in love than I have ever been and he would never harm me, even with his words. I have been blessed and my daughter cares for him deeply, but her daddy has been her focus lately. We are trying to repair the damage her dad had caused many years ago and I am afraid we will be too late if nothing changes soon.
    My daughter has even thought of suicide at 11 years old. She has tried to jump out of a moving car and she has made unimaginable threats to me, her mother, the one who has been here fighting for her the entire time, while her father was off having the time of his life. But the counselor says people lash out on those who they feel most comfortable with and I am trying to stay positive. She lashes out on me and her step father, the man who has been her father figure for most of her life and it hurts so bad.
    I am not giving up on her and I am doing everything I can to save her from her thoughts. We are trying to do everything we can to heal her. The point of this story is, is if you are going through what already transpired in my life PLEASE stop and think before you let the man stay. I know your in love and your children will say mean things, but nothing is more detrimental than letting a child suffer by watching her mom being abused.
    Letting a man walk in and out, in and out is not healthy. It's honestly better to part ways until he has changed and I don't mean he says he has changed. I mean you actually see the changes in his actions. I thought I was doing what was best, but I was young and stupid. I actually thought this man was the love of my life. I thought we would be together forever and have more children, but things change, plans change and I have changed. I am stronger than I have ever been and I need to use my strength to help my daughter find hers. I need to help before it is too late. Please learn from my story and don't let the kids live what my daughter lived through.

Quote of the Day

Forgiveness is Meant to Help you Move On

 

Forgiveness is not for them, forgiving someone(from within yourself) for what horrible things they did to you is for you!

Forgiving is an important part in the healing process as a survivor of domestic violence so you can move on with living a happy and healthy life.

Forgiving is not always easy, nor should it be done to benefit the one who caused you harm or pain.

Forgiveness is beneficial for you

so you can take back the power he once stole.

He will no longer have control over you again because you are far from his grip, but if you never forgive, he will never leave your thoughts.

Your hatred, anger and resentment will remain, pulling you down to floor.

Love will be nearly impossible to obtain.

Forgiving is not for them, forgiveness is for you!

If I can forgive my abuser, you can do it too!



Self Medicating the Abuse Away

  

  
     I never dealt with pain very well. I never tried to deal with pain at all. Every time negativity impacted my life I made a choice to shut down and suppress all the unwanted feelings beneath me. I'd pretend as if nothing ever happened, but then something else would occur worsening the damage that had already been inflicted. In reality, I was being abused. I would go about my day smiling in front of the world as if my life was impeccable when in all actuality I was dying inside. I was ready to burst like a ticking time bomb and I needed to cope. The only way I thought I could do that was with drugs and alcohol.
    I drank and drugged myself for nearly a decade to forget. Forget a childhood packed with consistent mental, emotional and physical abuse and a six year relationship that kicked me down and punched me till I was blue in the face, among other things. No one is blessed with the perfect life, but we all handle stress in our own ways and I handled stress by zoning out and partying when the world slept. Everything was great until I started blacking out. I was taken in a car jacking (from which I escaped), I was arrested multiple times for drinking and driving and I woke up in a man's bed I know I never consented having sex with.
    Bad things happen when you are not fully aware of your surroundings and under the influence. No one ever taught me how to handle stress appropriately and in my mind I always thought I had things under control. I thought I was ok, but looking back on a life filled with so much chaos, I should have stepped away and researched some help rather then to self medicate myself through my abusive relationship.
    So much was going on in my life to where I felt the need to disappear so I decided to disappear mentally. I clogged my thoughts with a consistent dose of dopamine thinking I had found the answer to my prayers, but I was wrong. The high was no longer the intense euphoria I had discovered in the beginning, which only led to me ingesting more toxins till I became ill from obvious overdosing. My tolerance had built and my sadness remained. I could no longer chase my bad thoughts away and I had to learn how to deal with them on my own straight faced and sober.
     I was in love though and when your in love, no one can tell you anything. But I was killing myself so I could deal with my relationship. I couldn't live a day without being sober. I was a high drunk and yet I was functional. I could work, go to school full time, take care of a child and take the back seat in between. I was a functional addict, as some would call it. Then I got into legal trouble.
     That legal trouble helped me seek the help I needed for not only my addiction, but for my past as well as my present abuse. It changed my life, my perspective and it helped me learn how to deal with stress appropriately. I am forever grateful for the help I received as well the support I had in order to leave my abuser for good. Leaving made me a better person and it made me realize how abused I really was inside and out. You don't realize it till you have been gone from it for quite some time and you learn how to heal without fear.
     If this is you, you are not alone in this. I know hoe difficult it is to cope with an abusive relationship. The man makes you crazy, angry, deranged, conflicted, pitiful and at times can make you want to die. His words hit like a pack of razorblades because it is coming from the one man you grew to love so much, someone you trusted to love you back unconditionally and failed miserably. He not only failed, but made it your fault. Everything is your fault, even his past is your fault.
   The truth is, is there is nothing you did to make the man who he is. He was that way before you fell in love with him. He just hid it very well, pretending he was Casanova when he is far from it. I promise you that drinking and drugging your thoughts away will never help. It may seem like it will at first, but then he hits you again and calls you worthless again. He will always do what he said he will never do again, AGAIN. His ways have blinded you from seeing what is really there and there is nothing you can change.
    There is no point in killing yourself by self medicating your pain away because there are always ways to help you with what it is you are going through. There is so much we all have in common...we loved the wrong man and we are paying for it in ways we never imagined. All we need is the strength to leave. You are a woman who deserves more than what you have received. Don't drown out your thoughts the way I used too. I have a hard time remembering the good memories because I was too focused on blocking out all the bad ones. I have forgotten most of my past and yet I still remember every single bad thing that ever happened to me. It didn't work for me nor will it work for you.
     You have too much potential to throw it away and I have lost too many friends to drugs. I have lost several friends to heroin overdoses, to a suicide caused by drugs and I lost friends as well as my baby brother to prison because of drugs. I have had friends murdered because of drugs.
    My brother was my best friend and I lived ten years of trying to save him. Id pull him out of crack houses 3 to 4 nights a week, Id pay his debts so he wouldn't get hurt and I was there by his side when he was shot from stealing crack from his dealer. It is painful living with an addict and loving an addict nearly killed me. There is nothing to gain from this. There is only loss. Trust me! My abuser was an addict and I almost died.
     Thank God I am still here to tell you. If you are in my shoes just know there is help you can seek, there are support groups and counselors free of charge and there are treatment centers that will help those financially unstable. There is always a way. But there is only a way if you are ready to quit, otherwise it will never work. You have to be willing to change and there are always people standing by ready to help you when you do. Just never give up! 


Find Alcoholics and Narcotics anonymous meetings all around the world by clicking on the link below....Find a meeting near you!
http://meetings.intherooms.com/

 If you are seeking treatment, please call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's (SAMHSA) National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Service at 1–800–662–HELP (4357) for information on hotlines, counseling services, or treatment options in your State. Drug treatment programs by State also may be found online at www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov.

What is Trust to us?

  

    Trust is not easily given, but it is everything to us. If we do not trust you, we will not let you beyond a certain point. Our wall is tall, wide and built of stone. Trying to break through such strength is nearly impossible to those who make a genuine attempt to care. People are begging for our attention and yet we cannot trust them enough to give them a piece of ourselves. We ask ourselves "What do they want from me? Everyone has to want something in return right?" 
     The pain is unbearable. What we have suffered has damaged our trust and our intuition of who or who not to trust, therefore we trust no one! Everything within us feels broken and trying to glue ourselves back together is a challenge. We want love. Hell we crave to be touched, but we are not going to give you our heart without a fight.
     After a woman suffers such trauma, we refrain to acknowledge a helping hand, especially if we were struck by someone we grew to love and trust without another thought. It is not an easy task to heal after direct or indirect abuse. A man has hurt us, beat us, threatened us and talk us down to the filthy floors. He has controlled our assets, our mind and our sense of freedom. It is not easy to let anyone in after this.
     My father always made so many promises that he never lived up too. He still does to this day and he still fails to remember my birthday. At times, our trust starts here. It starts with our own fathers because they are the male figures in our lives. He is the one to teach me what I should expect from a man. If he teaches me nothing, then I have learned nothing. So when a man sweeps me off my feet who pretends to be someone he is not I become entangled in his lies. I loved someone who should have been the one I passed by, but I ignored the signs and kept on loving him anyway.
     It is funny how we often choose the bad boys over the good. It always seems to play out that way. It not easy trusting a man to begin with, but after we walk away from an abusive situation we cannot take out our anger on the next man we grow to love. It takes time to get back to way we used to behave and sometimes there is no going back what so ever. It is important to be cautious yes, but shutting down completely because of one man's mistake only hurts you in the end.
     Not everybody wants something in return. As a woman we run in to a sea of pigs who expect sexual favors in return when they are nice to us. It doesn't even have to be sexual. We have friends that swarm us that will hardly go out of their way for us and it's sad. A true friend would never ask for anything. My point is, is there are good people out here and in order to experience the goodness people have to offer, we have to trust somewhat.
    It took me four years to trust again after my abusive relationship. Everyone around me had suffered, as well as my new partner. It is not something we intend on doing. We do not close ourselves off on purpose and it's hard for people to understand the things we have been through. It is best to always talk about the trauma you have experienced, especially if you plan on dating again.
     I am not suggesting you break out your past on the first or second date. But if you do see a future with someone new, it is important that they understand your actions as well as your emotions. We may act a certain way or close ourselves off unintentionally and we do not want them to think they did something wrong. 
    Sometimes men just don't understand us and it is important for us to express those feelings if we care about them. Pushing a man away is not going to help you nor will it help you find love in the right place. Lets say your making love with a new partner and he grabs your neck as a way to sexually seduce you. He is not trying to hurt you, but you push him away and refuse to speak on it. He is not going to understand that your ex used to grab you by your neck out of anger. Your new partner deserves an explanation so that he does not grab your neck during foreplay ever again. Communication is everything.
    Trust is everything in a relationship and even though one man caused us to lose that trust doesn't mean we cannot work on getting that back. We have to work on ourselves and we have to heal from we have endured. Otherwise we will fail to let anyone worth of being in our presence in. Even though we met one man who hurt us, doesn't mean all men are the same. There is a man out there for you who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. We have to learn how to trust in that love, in faith and in ourselves. You deserve to experience what is real.

It Doesn't Matter: Poem By Lindsey Haas

It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's your sexual orientation, celebrity status or ethnicity? We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!
It may be the girl at the corner store whom you see every other day or the woman you idolize on your favorite show. This does not matter for abuse can happen to anyone and everyone we know.
We may not want to speak of it or share our pain out load. It is not easy sharing our past, but if you survived this, you should be proud. Scream out load if you need too. Write a poem of expression. Talk to someone whom you feel is safe. Leak all the unwanted suppressed aggression.
We are not allowed to speak of it. What happened to us never occurred. I've been punched in the head too many times to count and at times my vision blurs. No documented hospital visits and its his word against my own. Children scurry to their secret spots feeling neglected and alone. We should have known. No he will not change, but I await as the days turn into night. I fix his meals and cleans his clothes and await another fight.
Will I die today? I ask myself as the tears stream down my lips. I am everything this man could want and yet he repays me with his fists. My body is unrecognizable as I look in a mirror and cry. These purplish-blue markings confine my legs, my arms, lips and eyes. That isn't all that is tarnished. I hate myself, my heart and mind. I hate having to feel such fear from the one man who changed my life. Yeah he changed me alright and now I await for him to end my life of regret.
My bags are packed and my mind is set. And yet still I haven't left.
I packed myself a loaded gun. Now if only I can get the guts to pick up my stuff and run.
I love him, I know its dumb, but its what I have learned as love.
Is this love? It can't be, but who do I have to tell me otherwise?
My dad beat my mom the whole time they were together till he left us dry. What can I do? What will I decide? Should I stay and rot or should I run and hide? Should I tell a certain someone or get a counselor to help? Whatever I decide, I really need to help myself.
See, abuse can happen to anyone. A family member or friend. The girl you talk too every Sunday at church, you know the one you least suspected. It doesn't matter where you come from, who you are or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's the color of your skin? What is the background of your family?
 We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!

                                         BUT WE DON"T HAVE TOO!!!!!

How Did I Survive It?

   

     I don't know how I managed to survive my own thoughts. At times I didn't even think it was possible to start all over again, but I made a desperate attempt to try . I couldn't just give up and waste my life stuffed behind closed doors tucked tightly under my comforter crying in a fetal position. That's not the type of person I am or was I should say. I didn't even know what it felt like to genuinely be happy anymore. The once love of my life sucked every inch of joy from me, but thankfully my music as well as the love I received from my little girl was enough for me to keep moving forward.
    I spent almost a decade hiding pieces of me, incidents I was too ashamed to admit I had accepted. If anyone had known, I don't think anyone would have believed it cause I was a strong, independent and ambitious pain in the ass to the ones who knew me well. I was a woman who made it her goal to dominate everything and anything that people believed men could do ten times better than women, such as sports, music, riding, etc. I never thought I would let a man hit me, let alone beat me in basketball. But when you fall in love, love will make you do crazy things and thinking irrationally is one of them.
    It is not easy to admit I have been strangled, punched repeatedly, kicked, been spit on, nearly stabbed, and body slammed. I have had busted lips, black eyes, concussions, had my apartment hallway set on fire, been chased, stalked and I drove myself into a tree just so he would stop screaming how worthless I was while my hands were gripped to the steering wheel.
     He tried to destroy every part of me, but I managed to keep my head up. I lived through this pain while trying to work, go to college, and live my dream singing while taking care of my daughter all on my own. His contributions were very limited.  I was trying to survive and he made it very difficult to do so. His addiction to crack only made things worse and money would come up missing on a regular basis. Sometimes dinner would consist of bread and butter with ramen noodles, but as long as my child's belly was full I was content with an empty stomach.
    The stress eventually led to numerous hospital visits. I was sick constantly and remained in bed for sometimes several hours a day. I just never seemed to feel rested. I wouldn't doubt I had depression along with a list of other illnesses that sprang from pure stress. I remember one day I was running into walls because the fluid in my ears were off balance. Things like this kept happening and it was hard to care for my child, but I made sure she received everything she needed.
    The day he nearly killed me changed my life forever. I lost everything because of his actions and I mean everything down to my car, my job, my home...everything. It changed my perspective and I eventually learned to fear love and what love could do. Living out of garbage bags was a game changer for me. Having my daughter sent to my mother's made the last piece of my heart evaporate. The government punished me for being beaten as if I made this happen to myself.
    When you are at the very bottom and none of which was at the result of your own choices, it makes you feel some kind of way. I guess I did choose to take him back again and again, but nothing to me made sense and I felt defeated. I tried to love the unloved and found myself wondering where to go next. He was sent to jail and I was on the streets alone.
    I started over and my self esteem was non-exisistent. My closest friend in the world was 1800 miles away and my family was kept at a distance. Sometimes when the ones you love do not support you, you need to make the choice to eliminate them from your life until they can. Trying to heal from a decade of mental, emotional and physical abuse alone isn't easy. You need friends, family, counseling and most of all...love.
     I met a man who made it his duty to try to love me. Even when I pushed him away again and again, he kept coming back for more. I wasn't ready to be touched, to learn how to trust and to believe every word he said. I told him repeatedly that I didn't deserve him so he kept asking me why. I couldn't answer him because I just learned to believe I didn't deserve love. At that time good men didn't exist because all I had known was pure evil. I didn't believe in love and my faith in God had been swept under the rug.
    As time went by, I learned to believe him, to trust him and to know in my heart he would never hurt me. Three years had past and I stopped crying in my sleep. The nightmares ended. I stopped hating myself and I began to start living again. Counseling and support groups were important for my recovery. I no longer did drugs or drank because I learned how to be happy without taking a substance to do it for me.
   In order to truly heal from something so traumatizing, you have to be patient, but you also have to try to live. You have to forgive the culprit, yourself and move forward. I had to learn how to love myself and to trust in love itself. Once I did that, I could talk about what I went through openly without feeling afraid or ashamed. If my story can help another, it would have all been worth it.
    Today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. No I wont ever forget the things I went through, but I can learn to live with my thoughts and those past experiences that nearly killed me. I don't have to dwell on what happened because it is over! It is over and I can live again without being called a bitch everyday by the one who is supposed to have my back.
     Love is not abuse and abuse is not love. If you are being abused, he does not love you like you think. If he loved you, he would never hurt you and it took me years to figure that out. I hope it doesn't take you long to figure out that your worth more than what he gives you credit for. Your body is to beautiful to be bruised. Your mind is too great to tarnish and your love should be honored and appreciated. Don't let anyone take you for granted! Look where it got me....I nearly died from it.
   

How Do You Get Back To Yourself? A Message to Survivors Of Abuse

    

  

 
    Why do we have the ability to remember? Why is it that we cannot just forget the things that we would rather choose to leave behind us? Well I am sure the purpose of having a memory is so that we could learn from our mistakes, possibly ponder on the good times we have had and so we could create an intellectual capacity of our own to further our success here on earth. And much more of course. The negative aspect to having a long term memory, is that your brain is actually programmed to recall events that have occurred from your past, even the ones you'd rather choose to forget.
    Episodic memory is a memory of events, times, places and the association of your emotions when a specific episode occurs. Remembering something, for instance, like the time my ex took out a pair of jumper cables and wrapped them around his throat until his face turned purple because I threatened to leave him is what is called an episodic memory. I will remember that memory forever as well as the day, the look on his face and my reaction to him trying to kill himself. It is recalling a recollection of a particular experiences or events that will be lodged into your memory forever.
     When I recall that memory it then creates a behavior, such as a dry mouth, the staring of my eyes off into space or maybe the movement of my body as it sways back and forth.  Just like when a dog is abused for so long, it's body immediately reacts like when its ears and body crouch down to the presence of his abusers hand in the air or even the volume of his or her voice. Our body learns to react based off of these memories. I only wish there was something that could take these bad memories away.
     The thing is, is how do we learn how to move on from memories that bring us so much pain? We can't forget them and we can't zap them away by sticking magic probes on our heads, so how can we live happily when these memories take over our thoughts? When I finally made the decision to walk away from my abuser, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had lived a certain life for so many years. I didn't know how to live any other way. I was forced into a messed up situation that ultimately left me with nothing because of my abusers actions.
    My car was sold for crack, which led to my unemployment, I was homeless and living out of garbage bags because he got me evicted and my daughter was forced to live at my parents because the courts said so. He beat me so bad in front of her to where the cops called Child Protective Services on me. Me? I was the damn victim in all of this just like she was. I eventually started drinking myself to death to get rid of the pain, which then ultimately led to my arrest for a DWUI and the loss of my license for 6 years. Then on top of it all I lost my man of 6 years...even though he did all this to me, he was still mine. How can someone get past all of that when you did everything you knew to be right at the time?....How do you start over from scratch?
   You pick up all the pieces, you cry it out and you get your ass back up and keep moving. Everything around you fell apart yes, but you are alive. A lot of women in abusive situations cannot say the same. You have the world at your feet and yes it will appear as if everyone and everything is rooting for you to lose, but the only thing that matters is what YOU think. Because abuse is mentally and emotionally damaging, counseling and support groups are really good at helping you restore your self esteem. You may be telling yourself that you are not good enough, but you need to believe enough in yourself to know that is crap! Your ex is no longer in the picture and his words and fists can no longer break you in pieces. Your mind is your own now!
    I cannot say how long it will take to be yourself again....you may never be the person you once were, but that doesn't mean you cannot be a success story. That doesn't mean you can't take this world by the reins and ride into a life full of love, joy and independence. This chapter in your life will close, but suppressing what has happened to you is not going to suppress those memories. Those thoughts will come back again and again and the moment you heal is the moment your behavior will change. It took me 4 years to fully heal and sometimes I still have moments where I feel like damaged goods, but in four years I have managed to do so much for myself to where it makes me realize how much of myself I once gave away. I am a new person now and it is because of all the work I did for myself in order to heal.
    Nothing will ever be given to you easy in this world. I am still struggling to be where I felt I should have been years ago, but that is life. Nothing can be planned and we sure didn't plan on falling hopelessly in love with an abusive prick, but we did. We fall, We get up and We learn from what caused the fall in the first place! We don't learn from success, we learn from mistakes...our mistakes. So how do you get back to yourself? All I can tell you is to try!
    Confide in a friend who wont judge you, get positive support from your family, and don't worry about love at the moment because love will come to you. You need to love yourself first. If you don't have a friend or a supportive family as I didn't in my time of need, you do have yourself and there are resources that will help you get the support you need. I get my support from complete strangers (counseling, support groups), an awesome best friend who lives 1800 miles away, my children and a man I just so happened to fall in love with while pursuing my dream. I once had no one and now I have so much and If I wouldn't have tried, I wouldn't have succeeded. Counseling would be a great recommendation because you can talk to someone who is there to listen and to help you in ways that can be life changing. Volunteering is a great way to help you feel good about yourself because your giving back to the community. 
     Rich isn't success, contentment is success, as well as love, happiness and healing. No, we will never forget the things we have endured at the hands and mouth of the ones we loved, but we can create new memories to override the negative ones. Our nightmares can become dreams and our pain can become pleasure. Giving up will only set you back. I cannot say it isn't normal to feel sad, anger, overwhelmed or even confused. Everything you are feeling is completely normal, especially feeling depressed. Take your time to reflect of course, but try not to make it an everyday thing.
    Try one thing at a time, anything you can do that will make you smile like yoga, an outing with your kids, or a night at the movies alone! Just try to smile and enjoy the fact that you survived one of the toughest obstacles to beat. You survived and for that you are one hell of a strong woman!
    
    

Did My Man Try To Smoke Me Out Of My Apartment?

      I had gotten used to doing everything alone. Even though I was in a relationship, I considered myself a single mother who worked hard to provide for my family the best way I knew how. It wasn't easy balancing two jobs, college classes and a four year old who was starved for attention 24/7, but I managed to make it work. I hardly slept a wink so I could keep up my grades for school. My daughter's father was constantly in and out of jail her entire life and now he was out and about on another crack binge so needless to say I didn't have his support like I should have. He never brought one dollar into our home, but he sure never felt a inch of remorse every time he pick pocketed me every chance he could, knowing it was for our bills and food. He didn't feel enough to care about all I did so we could eat. He just had to chase his next high and nothing was going to stand in the way, not even his only child. I was left to fend for myself.
      I felt so bad tossing my daughter from sitter to sitter, but I had to tell myself I was doing this for her. I spent midnights chasing my dream in the studio working on various albums because singing was my only outlet. My music was the only way I could express what I was going through at home without actually coming out and saying it, things I just couldn't tell anyone. My little brother was on drugs as well and I was constantly trying hard to drag him out of crack houses 3 and 4 nights a week, but every time I would help pay his debt, it only enabled him to keep going back for more. I was losing him too and I hardly had a relationship with my parents. Life was a bit lonely, but my little girl became my best friend in my time of need, holding me and loving me every chance she could.
     I had already been living with my daughter's father on and off for nearly 4 years now. His abusive hands arranged my first eviction from my first home so now I was living in a high rise that was infested with an abundance of bedbugs and crime. It was the only place available that would move me in within 30 days for a cheap price, but I quickly learned I would have to watch my surroundings. I hated having to fear my own environment, but there was nothing I could do. We cannot choose where we reside sometimes. Sometimes your just lucky to have a roof and running water and I felt blessed for those small things.
     I had already begun to fear the love of my life and now I couldn't even walk out my own door. A lot of rapes, robberies and stabbings took place in our apartment complex that I was not made aware of when I signed a two year lease, but we were dealing with it. Most of the time the elevators were down and the bangers in the area loved to hang in the stairwell smoking weed. I had no choice but to carry my sleepy four year old up 14 flights of stairs so I always made sure I packed mace and a hunting knife with a sharpened blade. I would never let anyone hurt my daughter.
    I had recently kicked out my partner again. This time it was because his drug habit had escalated. He was becoming more and more violent against me and the bruises were becoming more and more apparent. He kept stealing money, my jewelry and my only means of transportation. It just got to be too much. I was literally getting physically ill from all the stress I carried on my shoulders. He kept calling repeatedly begging to see me, but I resisted. He would pound on my apartment doors for sometimes hours at a time, but I would fail to answer. I just couldn't take it anymore. I loved him, but enough was enough. But he refused to give up. My mother always said he seemed like the kind of man that would rather have me dead than to be seen happy with another man. If he couldn't have me then no one would.
   It was around 9:00 at night when the smoke detectors went off in the hallway outside my apartment door. I quickly jumped off of the couch and poked my head outside my door only to be engulfed with a large cloud of gray smoke. All I could see were the tips of the flames and it was obvious that the fire was starting to spread at the end of the hallway near the elevators. I closed the door, threw on some more appropriate attire and grabbed a blanket large enough to wrap around my child so she couldn't inhale the smoke. Thank goodness the emergency exit was located to the left of my apartment door.
    I grabbed my baby, wrapped her entire body tight and made my way to the exit leading to the stairwell. I could see the flames approaching our apartment but I had made it just in time. My lungs were scorched from breathing in all the smoke and I couldn't stop coughing until I made my way down to the first floor. Other occupants living in the building were starting to pile up in the lobby area with their children in hand. The fire department had arrived in a timely manner and one by one they were doing what they had to do to put the flames out. I was scared, but at least my baby girl was oblivious to the whole incident.
   Minutes later my boyfriend had appeared out of nowhere with a stank smile plastered to his face. My heart jumped out of my chest. I couldn't help but think to myself " Did he just smoke me out of my own home? Did he just put mine, our child's and other innocent lives in danger so he could see me?" No, he couldn't have. This must have been a crazy coincidence." But then he spoke in a low tone, "Now will you talk to me?" I was in shock. I was scared and I wanted nothing more that to get away from this man for good.
   The fire department eventually allowed all of us to return to our homes. They announced that an individual had lit the garbage bags in the hallway on fire, my hallway. Sometimes people were to lazy to actually throw their garbage away inside the trash chute so instead they stacked it outside of the door where it would sit and rot until the maintenance threw it out properly. My man lit those bags on fire and he did it to get my attention. I lived on the seventh floor and he didn't think about the possibility of me not being able to escape? Or maybe that was the point. He didn't want me to escape.
    I tried to flee up the stairs with my daughter in my hands, but he followed close behind. I just couldn't run fast enough. I was screaming at him to leave us alone, but he was trailing close behind running up two steps at a time. When I got to my door, I tried to unlock it as fast as I could but he was right behind me shoving me into the apartment. I screamed and kicked as he tried to knock me and my daughter down, but a fire fighter came to my rescue. He just so happened to be on my floor containing the burnt area when he heard my screams. Luckily it scared my daughters father off and he fled down the exit stairs. I wouldn't get beat this time!
    The fire fighter tried to console me, but there was nothing he could have said that would have fixed my mind or my heart at that moment. The man I loved tried to kill me and my daughter again!! I did everything I could to end the relationship after that, but it wasn't easy. He had this hold on me that couldn't be explained. We put up with too much from the people who won't do a single thing for us and what's best for us in return. He ended up setting my floor on fire four more times after the first initial incident, which eventually led to full investigation and my eviction from the apartment complex.
    I just couldn't get rid of him and once again he made me lose everything I had ever worked for. He stalked me repeatedly until he beat me so bad to where he ended up going to jail to serve a 8 month sentence. I was on the look for another home because of him. I just couldn't understand why a man who claimed to love me so much would inflict so much pain on me. I also couldn't understand why I let him.
    CPS removed my daughter due to his abuse towards me, I was homeless and he ended up selling my car for crack, which led me to losing my job. I was living out of garbage bags, but thank goodness a friend eventually found me a place to stay so I didn't have to stay at a shelter. I had to start all over again, but this is where you have to start. You have to look at all the bad that he creates around you and you have to say that it is enough. Life is not supposed to be this way. I deserved more and so did my daughter. Do you want to know what happened? Stay tuned for more. For another piece to my puzzle of pain....Just know you are worth so much more! This does not have to be the life you are fighting for!

One Click Will Connect You To Resources That Can Help Save You From A Life Of Abuse!

    I wanted to post a link to a website that should be looked at by all women who are involved in a domestic violence relationship. This foundation is called the Feminist Majority Foundation and I think this is a very informative site for those living in the United States. This site posts numbers for hotlines and coalitions in each and every state in the US for those who are suffering abuse at the hands and/or mouth of their partner.
    The Feminist Majority Foundation also supplies information and resources to those who have been raped or sexually abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day and will connect you to valuable numbers, resources and the location of shelters in each state and city in our country. Each program has been built for women like yourself who are trapped in a situation they desperately want out of. We just don't know how to leave.
   This has to be one of the best, informative sites I have ever seen and if you are in a crisis, I would suggest visiting this link if you are feeling like you are ready to get out! I know there are a lot of you who are in pain every day. I know you stay for so many reasons, but there are also so many reasons why you should leave.
    This is your life we are talking about and your family, friends and/or children need you here. You deserve to live a real life with a partner who shows you real love. Abuse in any form is not love! Please just click on the link below.....just research the information in case you may need it one day because one day the abuse will escalate to unimaginable heights.
    Make some calls or call the crisis lines that are available. They are there for you to talk and they will not push you to do what you don't want to do. Just know that every person involved in these projects are here for you. If you feel like you are alone and you do not have anyone, I promise you, you are not alone anymore. We may be strangers, but we know exactly what you are going through and we have the resources to help save you and your children's lives.

http://feminist.org/911/crisis_state.html

Below is a International Toll Free Crisis Number that is for women who are overseas who need to call a crisis center. Due to funding they cannot supply housing, cash assistance or shelter, but they are there to talk or you can email them if that is what you would prefer.

 866-USWOMEN (879-6636) - International Toll Free Crisis Hotline
 crisis@866uswomen.org. - Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center email address

Can Anger Management Help My Relationship?

   What type of people do you think attend anger management regularly? I know the first thing that may come to mind are those individuals that are ordered to take classes by a judge, but that simply isn't true. Anger management is for everyone and anyone who want to improve their lives, manage their anger and to gain more self control. These classes are also a great way to save a lot of relationships that are going through a rough patch due to one or both partners expressing uncontrollable rage.
    We all know what it's like to deal with the effects of stress, except it is easy to say we all handle it in our own way. Some people suppress it, some cry, some folks practice yoga or other activities in order to handle certain amounts of stress and others may lash out directly or indirectly. Increasingly amounts of stress can intensify anger and depending upon the individual it can either make you socially withdrawn or it can make you what we call "hotheaded." Anger is a very powerful emotion, which at times can be taken out on others, especially the ones we love the most.
   I fell in love with an angry man, although I didn't realize he was angry until it was too late. I was infatuated and pregnant with his child. His past turned out to be a huge factor in how he acted and treated others around him, including me. He was never given the proper help he needed growing up, which most men are not because society has taught them to toughen it out. A lot of men are made to suppress their emotions, but if boys/men are not encouraged to feel their true feelings, anger will only build up within them over time. Eventually my ex's anger that stemmed from his past made it's way into our relationship, which eventually lead to me getting beaten consistently.
     Those who anger easily have what psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, simply meaning he felt he should not have been subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They're particularly infuriated if the situation seems unjust, such as being corrected for a simple mistake. Anger can lead to dangerous acts or situations like road rage, the throwing of objects (no matter the size), hitting or punching holes in the walls, doors, etc. and can very well lead to domestic violence.
    What can make people so angry? A number of things can cause a person to act this way. Two causes stem from genetics and physiology. There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered and these signs are usually present in the early stages of life. Another cause may be sociocultural. Anger is often seen as a negative emotion. While we are allowed to express emotions such as, depression and anxiety, we are not always allowed to express anger out in the open.
     I have seen people express anger due to their background as well as their family history. People have troubles dealing with their own race, sexual orientation, religion and some people grow up in dysfunctional families, which can cause an extreme amount of anger if we do not get the affection we need growing up. If we as children grow up in a household full of rage, we will learn to imitate it. There are so many different reasons why anger is so prevalent. We just need to learn how mange our anger and to notice what triggers our reactions. We can develop strategies and ways to avoid the things that anger us the most. We just need to openly recognize that we need help and to make the steps to obtain it.
    Today, anger management classes are seen as a great way to help individuals who want to improve themselves as well as a great way to learn how to manage their anger so our partners do not have to suffer the repercussions of our actions. Men can react impulsively and will turn their anger towards their wives/girlfriends, only to be remorseful after they have calmed down. I would never tell a woman to stay with her abuser, but I understand that women want to help save their relationships.
     I know exactly what it feels like to be pulled in two directions. Although I would always tell a woman who is being abused to leave the relationship immediately, I know that this is not always going to be taken into consideration. Sometimes we can't leave for what ever reason and we want to help our partners. If this is you, I would suggest these types of classes to see if they can help your situation, as well as individual and couples therapy. Will it help your relationship? The truth is, is I do not know if it will, but trying can't hurt. I just pray you will be safe while trying to mend your relationship. Not all situations are the same and some relationships will not heal with just a class or two. Sometimes parting is the best way in most abusive cases.
    I would not recommend living with your abuser while you are going through counseling or anger management. If he is willing to change like he claims he will, he will do whatever it takes to CHANGE! If you are refusing to leave I would suggest to your partner to take these classes immediately! It is for your safety and for your partner to get the help he properly needs to alleviate what is angering him so much to feel the need to hit you.
    Anger management is not just for chaotic relationships. It may also be a great way for you to relieve some of your own anger if you are a survivor of domestic violence. I was angry for so many years. I was enraged, depressed, confused, along with so many more emotions. When you are exiting an abusive relationship it is completely normal to feel this way, but it is not healthy to feel this way forever.
    We were dealt a bad relationship yes, but that doesn't mean we have to live in an abusive state of mind forever. We are survivors and we need to feel just that...like we won! Anything that you can do to help with the emotions you are feeling is a great way to begin the healing process. I know it may never feel like you will ever feel whole again, but take my word for it as a survivor of domestic violence....you will! It may take some time, hell it may take years as it did for me, but once you feel what real love is, you will wonder why you ever loved your ex in the first place. You will feel stronger, wiser and you will learn from this experience so that you will never except less than what you are worth again!

The first link I posted below is a site that shares information on the problems with anger and ways you can help manage it. The second link is a web page that will direct you to chat rooms, online meetings and email meetings regarding anger management. It also contains some valuable information you should research. And last, I also posted a helpful hotline you can call in case you feel the need to talk to someone who can help you through your issues anonymously. If you are looking to attend classes please Google Anger Management classes or Workshops in your specific area. It was very tough to narrow down a search when classes are spread all throughout the world. There is more help than you realize. Anger management classes are being held all around you. I hope this helps!!!

  http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php  

http://www.recovery-world.com/Anger-Management.html

Anger Management Hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

 

 

If We Can Survive This, We Can Survive Anything!!!!

    I don't always understand why life seems to be one road block after another, but I am sure there are underlying reasons as to why things have to be so damn complicated. I was always told life was one big test and each part would ultimately prove who you were and what you stand for. The situations we endure are meant to build strength and character. We are meant to overcome the worst, but sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming when nothing positive floats in our direction.
     We go through these obstacles that seem impossible to withstand. We have been told we belong at the bottom and that are worth is no more than the life of a rat. We live in a community of people that have nothing better to do than to lie on us, gossip and cheat our kindness, but we are not weak. You are a lot stronger than you realize, but I understand wanting to surrender. I know it feels as if the clouds are directly pouring rain over your head and no one else's, but all of us have a story to tell. Some stories are worse than other's, but this is not a contest as to who suffered the most.
     We all have suffered and we all know what it feels like to hold on to pain. A lot of us cannot forget, which only holds us back from healing. We need to close our wounds and in order to do that we need to be able to speak on what caused our scars in the first place. I personally try to move on, but there is always somebody trying to pull me back to that place of turmoil and anger. Happiness is a right and there are some of us that would rather mope in misery. Some just take their good news for granted when we would welcome it.
     Bad things are always going to occur in our lives and I don't believe it happens because it is us, I think that it's just life, people and circumstances. Maybe we are just at the wrong place at the wrong time or hanging with the wrong circle. Who we choose to be in our lives will affect us one way or another, whether it be today or tomorrow, positive or negative. We can be up today and down the next, but that shouldn't defeat us. Even if we are our only cheerleader, that is all the support you need to become who you want to be.
    Rain will come, but the sun will shine soon. Your life can only be in this rut for as long as you want it to be, but the second you change your outlook and motivation, you only need to possess the patience it takes for your circumstances to turn around. It takes time, but that doesn't mean good will never come. Sometimes it takes leaving the world behind to be who you need to be, but once you are free you will understand why change was so important to excel in  your own happiness.
    Think positive, embrace change and leave those behind who only intend for you to fail! Healing from our past will take time, build strength and will enable us to help someone going through it in the future. Being ashamed of what you have been through should not hold you back from helping others. It made you become who you are today...a survivor and if we can survive this, we can survive anything!