Why do we have the ability to remember? Why is it that we cannot just forget the things that we would rather choose to leave behind us? Well I am sure the purpose of having a memory is so that we could learn from our mistakes, possibly ponder on the good times we have had and so we could create an intellectual capacity of our own to further our success here on earth. And much more of course. The negative aspect to having a long term memory, is that your brain is actually programmed to recall events that have occurred from your past, even the ones you'd rather choose to forget.
Episodic memory is a memory of events, times, places and the association of your emotions when a specific episode occurs. Remembering something, for instance, like the time my ex took out a pair of jumper cables and wrapped them around his throat until his face turned purple because I threatened to leave him is what is called an episodic memory. I will remember that memory forever as well as the day, the look on his face and my reaction to him trying to kill himself. It is recalling a recollection of a particular experiences or events that will be lodged into your memory forever.
When I recall that memory it then creates a behavior, such as a dry mouth, the staring of my eyes off into space or maybe the movement of my body as it sways back and forth. Just like when a dog is abused for so long, it's body immediately reacts like when its ears and body crouch down to the presence of his abusers hand in the air or even the volume of his or her voice. Our body learns to react based off of these memories. I only wish there was something that could take these bad memories away.
The thing is, is how do we learn how to move on from memories that bring us so much pain? We can't forget them and we can't zap them away by sticking magic probes on our heads, so how can we live happily when these memories take over our thoughts? When I finally made the decision to walk away from my abuser, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had lived a certain life for so many years. I didn't know how to live any other way. I was forced into a messed up situation that ultimately left me with nothing because of my abusers actions.
My car was sold for crack, which led to my unemployment, I was homeless and living out of garbage bags because he got me evicted and my daughter was forced to live at my parents because the courts said so. He beat me so bad in front of her to where the cops called Child Protective Services on me. Me? I was the damn victim in all of this just like she was. I eventually started drinking myself to death to get rid of the pain, which then ultimately led to my arrest for a DWUI and the loss of my license for 6 years. Then on top of it all I lost my man of 6 years...even though he did all this to me, he was still mine. How can someone get past all of that when you did everything you knew to be right at the time?....How do you start over from scratch?
You pick up all the pieces, you cry it out and you get your ass back up and keep moving. Everything around you fell apart yes, but you are alive. A lot of women in abusive situations cannot say the same. You have the world at your feet and yes it will appear as if everyone and everything is rooting for you to lose, but the only thing that matters is what YOU think. Because abuse is mentally and emotionally damaging, counseling and support groups are really good at helping you restore your self esteem. You may be telling yourself that you are not good enough, but you need to believe enough in yourself to know that is crap! Your ex is no longer in the picture and his words and fists can no longer break you in pieces. Your mind is your own now!
I cannot say how long it will take to be yourself again....you may never be the person you once were, but that doesn't mean you cannot be a success story. That doesn't mean you can't take this world by the reins and ride into a life full of love, joy and independence. This chapter in your life will close, but suppressing what has happened to you is not going to suppress those memories. Those thoughts will come back again and again and the moment you heal is the moment your behavior will change. It took me 4 years to fully heal and sometimes I still have moments where I feel like damaged goods, but in four years I have managed to do so much for myself to where it makes me realize how much of myself I once gave away. I am a new person now and it is because of all the work I did for myself in order to heal.
Nothing will ever be given to you easy in this world. I am still struggling to be where I felt I should have been years ago, but that is life. Nothing can be planned and we sure didn't plan on falling hopelessly in love with an abusive prick, but we did. We fall, We get up and We learn from what caused the fall in the first place! We don't learn from success, we learn from mistakes...our mistakes. So how do you get back to yourself? All I can tell you is to try!
Confide in a friend who wont judge you, get positive support from your family, and don't worry about love at the moment because love will come to you. You need to love yourself first. If you don't have a friend or a supportive family as I didn't in my time of need, you do have yourself and there are resources that will help you get the support you need. I get my support from complete strangers (counseling, support groups), an awesome best friend who lives 1800 miles away, my children and a man I just so happened to fall in love with while pursuing my dream. I once had no one and now I have so much and If I wouldn't have tried, I wouldn't have succeeded. Counseling would be a great recommendation because you can talk to someone who is there to listen and to help you in ways that can be life changing. Volunteering is a great way to help you feel good about yourself because your giving back to the community.
Rich isn't success, contentment is success, as well as love, happiness and healing. No, we will never forget the things we have endured at the hands and mouth of the ones we loved, but we can create new memories to override the negative ones. Our nightmares can become dreams and our pain can become pleasure. Giving up will only set you back. I cannot say it isn't normal to feel sad, anger, overwhelmed or even confused. Everything you are feeling is completely normal, especially feeling depressed. Take your time to reflect of course, but try not to make it an everyday thing.
Try one thing at a time, anything you can do that will make you smile like yoga, an outing with your kids, or a night at the movies alone! Just try to smile and enjoy the fact that you survived one of the toughest obstacles to beat. You survived and for that you are one hell of a strong woman!
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