It's hard to admit that I let my daughter suffer when she didn't have too. She had to live through my mistakes and witness the abuse I suffered at the hands of her own father. I was young, a teenager in love and I had gotten pregnant 8 months into a relationship I thought would last forever. Her father had portrayed a person he failed to become. His words and promises heighted my hopes, the exact way my own father's promises used too. I wanted to rely on someone other than myself for once because my father had let me down in the past, but I couldn't rely on the one man I chose to love.
He told me he was going to work as hard as he could to take care of his new family when he got the news that I was pregnant. But as the time flew by his body failed to lift from his parents couch. My stomach started to grow by the month and I was working full-time in a factory so I could afford our own apartment for when the baby arrived. I shortly started to realize I was all alone and would be the entire pregnancy. I barely received a foot rub, let alone some financial support. Knowing the obvious still didn't give me enough strength to break it off. I thought he would change and I believed in him. I believed he could be better and he told me he would try.
I didn't want my daughter to live without a father. I knew what it was like to grow up without one so I made excuses on why I should stay. When he started hitting me I told myself I could suffer this much so she could have a father. In my mind I stayed for my child, but at the same time I really didn't want to be alone. At the time I wasn't very close with my family. The only person I really clicked with was my little brother and he was on crack. He was all I felt I had and he was there for me when I needed him at the time.
Nothing was more important than for my daughter to have her father there as she came in to the world. He was floating in the clouds as he held her in his arms for the first time and at that moment I knew he would change. The problem was, was my brother introduced him to crack. Now he was a woman beater, a drug addict and father without a job. He lived off of me and in return I had someone to confide in to. He was a full time babysitter when he wasn't going off to jail or on a drug binge. I couldn't afford all our bills and a sitter at the same time. I was on welfare for crying out loud! He was a decent father when he chose to be, but in all honesty he was never really there enough to be a great one.
As the years went by, he was more and more absent. He was never a father and he never not once worked so he could surprise his child with a Christmas, Easter or birthday gift. I would always buy something and stick his name on it. She saw him hit me, strangle me, kick me, yell at me and he once used her as a human shield so my brother wouldn't beat him up. He punched me as I held her in my arms over not letting him use my cell phone. He did so much damage to her and I didn't even realize it.
I thought she would be too young to remember. I thought I was doing what was best for her as long as he treated her like an angel, which he always did compared to how he treated me. I was too young to realize why Child Protective Services took her away from me when he beat me to death. I thought I was being punished for being a victim. They should have helped me instead of taking the one thing in my life that I loved. I did everything for my baby and put her first in all that I did. I tried to leave her dad, but he would follow me, stalk me and bang on the doors at odd hours in the middle of the night.
I thought I was in love and I thought I could change him, help him and save him from his pain. I tried to do my best and in doing so I nearly died. I tried to make him a great father when I should have turned my back. But aren't you supposed to stand by and help the ones you love? Yes I did do that and any woman would. But it had been nearly 6 years and nothing changed. I had to wake up and I had to do what was right for me and my child.
He went to Prison for 2 years and we left. We didn't write, accept calls and I was working hard to get my daughter back from the mess he caused. I was working hard to heal myself and trying to help my daughter heal from his absence, but she only spiraled out of control. By 5th grade she was getting suspended every other week. She was stealing, lying, fighting and she grew an attitude the size of Jupiter.
No matter what I did for her nothing could replace the hole in her heart that he had created. After 11 years he decided to become a real father. He got out of Prison, got a job, a nice girlfriend and a stable home for my daughter to visit. He started paying child support and I couldn't not let my daughter see him. She begged me to see him and now she is staying with him temporarily so they can bond.
This is not something I am fond of. I miss my daughter so much, but I know she just wants to learn who her father is. Her grades have gone up, but her attitude has gotten worse. She blames me for everything and if she only knew the truth, she would be too young to understand it. Right now we are in counseling trying to resolve her pain, but her pain wouldn't be this bad if I had left him! I do feel at fault although I shouldn't because I really did all I could with the resources I had to raise a child so young. I went without for years so she could have everything.
This is what a mother is supposed to do. She is supposed to give the world to her daughter, but if could rewind back time I never would have let her see the things that she once saw. She says she doesn't remember, but I know she has tried to suppress those memories. She has so much anger for her father, but she chooses not to reveal it for fear he might leave her again. He calls me and acts like he is the father of the year because she is doing well in school now and didn't when I had her and it makes me want to puke, but what can I do?
I will do anything for my child! I made this decision for her as long as she is in a stable environment and there is no abuse going on. So far everything is going well and it is only temporarily, but I am missing my daughter so much. I just wish I could take her pain away, but I cannot take back the decisions I once made. I want her to be happy and for her to feel normal, but at times she lashes out and throws tantrums that can hardly be controlled.
I know we all think our kids won't suffer as long as they are not being abused, but that just simply isn't true. I am living, breathing proof and my daughter is suffering mentally and emotionally from the environment she once lived in. She wants me and her dad to get back together, but that will never happen. I guess all kids have wished that who have lived through a divorce or separation of some sort. They wish things would go back to normal, but there is no normal in this situation of mine.
That man tried to break me and lost. I lost everything, including my trust and self esteem, but the love I received from the man I am dating now has changed my life forever. I am more in love than I have ever been and he would never harm me, even with his words. I have been blessed and my daughter cares for him deeply, but her daddy has been her focus lately. We are trying to repair the damage her dad had caused many years ago and I am afraid we will be too late if nothing changes soon.
My daughter has even thought of suicide at 11 years old. She has tried to jump out of a moving car and she has made unimaginable threats to me, her mother, the one who has been here fighting for her the entire time, while her father was off having the time of his life. But the counselor says people lash out on those who they feel most comfortable with and I am trying to stay positive. She lashes out on me and her step father, the man who has been her father figure for most of her life and it hurts so bad.
I am not giving up on her and I am doing everything I can to save her from her thoughts. We are trying to do everything we can to heal her. The point of this story is, is if you are going through what already transpired in my life PLEASE stop and think before you let the man stay. I know your in love and your children will say mean things, but nothing is more detrimental than letting a child suffer by watching her mom being abused.
Letting a man walk in and out, in and out is not healthy. It's honestly better to part ways until he has changed and I don't mean he says he has changed. I mean you actually see the changes in his actions. I thought I was doing what was best, but I was young and stupid. I actually thought this man was the love of my life. I thought we would be together forever and have more children, but things change, plans change and I have changed. I am stronger than I have ever been and I need to use my strength to help my daughter find hers. I need to help before it is too late. Please learn from my story and don't let the kids live what my daughter lived through.
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