I don't know how I managed to survive my own thoughts. At times I didn't even think it was possible to start all over again, but I made a desperate attempt to try . I couldn't just give up and waste my life stuffed behind closed doors tucked tightly under my comforter crying in a fetal position. That's not the type of person I am or was I should say. I didn't even know what it felt like to genuinely be happy anymore. The once love of my life sucked every inch of joy from me, but thankfully my music as well as the love I received from my little girl was enough for me to keep moving forward.
I spent almost a decade hiding pieces of me, incidents I was too ashamed to admit I had accepted. If anyone had known, I don't think anyone would have believed it cause I was a strong, independent and ambitious pain in the ass to the ones who knew me well. I was a woman who made it her goal to dominate everything and anything that people believed men could do ten times better than women, such as sports, music, riding, etc. I never thought I would let a man hit me, let alone beat me in basketball. But when you fall in love, love will make you do crazy things and thinking irrationally is one of them.
It is not easy to admit I have been strangled, punched repeatedly, kicked, been spit on, nearly stabbed, and body slammed. I have had busted lips, black eyes, concussions, had my apartment hallway set on fire, been chased, stalked and I drove myself into a tree just so he would stop screaming how worthless I was while my hands were gripped to the steering wheel.
He tried to destroy every part of me, but I managed to keep my head up. I lived through this pain while trying to work, go to college, and live my dream singing while taking care of my daughter all on my own. His contributions were very limited. I was trying to survive and he made it very difficult to do so. His addiction to crack only made things worse and money would come up missing on a regular basis. Sometimes dinner would consist of bread and butter with ramen noodles, but as long as my child's belly was full I was content with an empty stomach.
The stress eventually led to numerous hospital visits. I was sick constantly and remained in bed for sometimes several hours a day. I just never seemed to feel rested. I wouldn't doubt I had depression along with a list of other illnesses that sprang from pure stress. I remember one day I was running into walls because the fluid in my ears were off balance. Things like this kept happening and it was hard to care for my child, but I made sure she received everything she needed.
The day he nearly killed me changed my life forever. I lost everything because of his actions and I mean everything down to my car, my job, my home...everything. It changed my perspective and I eventually learned to fear love and what love could do. Living out of garbage bags was a game changer for me. Having my daughter sent to my mother's made the last piece of my heart evaporate. The government punished me for being beaten as if I made this happen to myself.
When you are at the very bottom and none of which was at the result of your own choices, it makes you feel some kind of way. I guess I did choose to take him back again and again, but nothing to me made sense and I felt defeated. I tried to love the unloved and found myself wondering where to go next. He was sent to jail and I was on the streets alone.
I started over and my self esteem was non-exisistent. My closest friend in the world was 1800 miles away and my family was kept at a distance. Sometimes when the ones you love do not support you, you need to make the choice to eliminate them from your life until they can. Trying to heal from a decade of mental, emotional and physical abuse alone isn't easy. You need friends, family, counseling and most of all...love.
I met a man who made it his duty to try to love me. Even when I pushed him away again and again, he kept coming back for more. I wasn't ready to be touched, to learn how to trust and to believe every word he said. I told him repeatedly that I didn't deserve him so he kept asking me why. I couldn't answer him because I just learned to believe I didn't deserve love. At that time good men didn't exist because all I had known was pure evil. I didn't believe in love and my faith in God had been swept under the rug.
As time went by, I learned to believe him, to trust him and to know in my heart he would never hurt me. Three years had past and I stopped crying in my sleep. The nightmares ended. I stopped hating myself and I began to start living again. Counseling and support groups were important for my recovery. I no longer did drugs or drank because I learned how to be happy without taking a substance to do it for me.
In order to truly heal from something so traumatizing, you have to be patient, but you also have to try to live. You have to forgive the culprit, yourself and move forward. I had to learn how to love myself and to trust in love itself. Once I did that, I could talk about what I went through openly without feeling afraid or ashamed. If my story can help another, it would have all been worth it.
Today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. No I wont ever forget the things I went through, but I can learn to live with my thoughts and those past experiences that nearly killed me. I don't have to dwell on what happened because it is over! It is over and I can live again without being called a bitch everyday by the one who is supposed to have my back.
Love is not abuse and abuse is not love. If you are being abused, he does not love you like you think. If he loved you, he would never hurt you and it took me years to figure that out. I hope it doesn't take you long to figure out that your worth more than what he gives you credit for. Your body is to beautiful to be bruised. Your mind is too great to tarnish and your love should be honored and appreciated. Don't let anyone take you for granted! Look where it got me....I nearly died from it.
No comments:
Post a Comment