I know we all know what it is like to keep a secret. That is something we all have in common. We at times feel as if we need to lie to our family, our friends and to ourselves without even realizing why. In the beginning I am sure we all felt the same deep love and infatuation for the man who had stolen our heart. We all believed he was "The One." We adjusted comfortably within the honeymoon stage, yearning to make love each and every night, pacing for him to call and begging for him to stay. But one day it all changed. We were tricked into thinking he was someone he was not and now we are up against the wall. We are seeing a different side, a side we would never expect to accept, but love will make you do the unimaginable.
We had already bragged to the about how great our man is and how lucky we are to have found true love at last. So how can we let our friends and families know he is a woman beater and that we still love him? It sounds ridiculous when we say it out loud, but we all understand one another here so there is no judgment. We can't tell them! They will just look at us crazy and tell us to leave them. They will never understand! In our minds we think the abuse is only temporary. We think he is going to change at any moment because maybe we are just having a rough time now. Heck we can make him change and we will do what ever we need to do to make it happen. We need to be there and be strong for our men right?
I had these same thoughts as you do now. I thought supporting my man and trying to change him would bring the love back. If he didn't hit me in the beginning he can surely stop right? Well it took me six years to finally get it. It doesn't stop because he doesn't want to stop. He wants to continue using you as a doormat and a punching bag when ever he wants to shed blame. He is blaming you for all the wrong in his life and he knows you will take it. When abusers vent they usually vent and abuse the one they feel most comfortable with. They know you will not call the police or run and tell someone. They know you will keep their secret.
It isn't fair that you were forced to tell such lies. It is embarrassing to admit who your boyfriend/husband is when no one's eyes are on you. You are not the type of person who would take this but you have and you have kept it to yourself out of fear. Fear of criticism from outsiders or maybe fear of what he might do if you told a soul.
I was ashamed to admit what I was accepting. I was afraid to be alone and I was afraid my daughter would lose her father. I was overtaken with fear and rejection so I suppressed the pain and made an attempt to go on with my life. We would have our good days and we would have our bad. The bad ones were really, really bad. So bad I had nightmares for years, so bad I would flinch at any sudden close movements, so bad that I couldn't trust anyone. We all live through the bad and some of us are still living it today.
For those of you women who have stayed, I just want to tell you how strong you are for putting up with such trauma. I also want to share with you how great it is after that pain is long gone. I know at times we feel we deserve it, but why? Why do we feel that we deserve to be hit and kicked and strangled over nonsense? Why? We keep asking ourselves why because we are trying to justify his actions and we cannot so we just blame ourselves when the blame is pointed in the wrong direction. No one deserves to be kicked down to the ground and neither do you.
I could tell you to leave, but then so can many others. I cannot tell you anything. You have to know in your heart that you deserve to be treated as an equal, as a woman and as a person. You have the right to speak up and to get mad and to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You have rights and he is stripping you of those rights as a human being. I am telling you, you are beautiful, strong, independent loving women! I am telling you! I am a stranger yes, but I understand what you are feeling.
I understand your thoughts and emotions and I understand what hell feels like and this is it! This is hell...abuse is hell! We have been lying and covering up their behavior for so long we can't even recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore. They have changed who were are and we shouldn't have to change the better part of ourselves because someone else feels like dumping their load on us for no reason. We chose to fall in love and we chose to explore our options, but we did not choose this life. We didn't choose to be in the physical, mental and emotional pain he causes us everyday we open our eye lids. We deserve to be happy.
I know that is what you really desire and I know all you want is for this one man to be desired again. If only he would stop these few things you could have your fairytale, but he is not choosing to do so. It's a tough realization to accept. Knowing that the one person you love won't change breaks us in more than one way, but that is the truth we have to face before it kills us. His words and actions are killing us more and more each day and it only takes one time to end your life for good. I wouldn't want to trade my life for that. I wouldn't want to take that chance.
I took that chance and I chose to stick it out and to live with it because I was too weak to let him go for good. We can part days and weeks, but to part forever tears in half. The thought alone destroys us, but I promise you what you think is love now is not what love is. Love is more than this. Love is unconditional and love doesn't hurt us with words or their fists. Love doesn't put us down, call us names or make us feel as if we are their one mistake in life. Love is support and trust and love would never intend on hurting us as an act of revenge.
I never knew what love was until I really experienced it. My first love abused me for six years. All I ever knew wasn't love at all until I met a real man who showed me. I invited him into my past and I talked about all the things I endured with love. In the six years we have been together he has showed me more than I ever read in fairytales. He supported me through my hardships, trust issues and nightmares. He has shown me what a real father is to his children and he would never lay a hand nor a nasty word in my direction.
I never thought it was possible, but it is. There are knight in shining armors that can be there to support you, honor you and to love you unconditionally. I cannot convince you to believe me, but I hope my stories can shed some light in your life. There is hope! Aren't you tired of fighting? Lying and keeping secrets? I know I am and I know I'll never let it happen again. Sometimes love just isn't enough. There has to be more. Don't keep his secret anymore! It's time to speak up and it's time to live! You do not have to be ashamed of anything. No more secrets and no more lies! Say it with me sister...NO MORE SECRETS AND NO MORE LIES! Love thyself!
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