It Doesn't Matter: Poem By Lindsey Haas

It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's your sexual orientation, celebrity status or ethnicity? We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!
It may be the girl at the corner store whom you see every other day or the woman you idolize on your favorite show. This does not matter for abuse can happen to anyone and everyone we know.
We may not want to speak of it or share our pain out load. It is not easy sharing our past, but if you survived this, you should be proud. Scream out load if you need too. Write a poem of expression. Talk to someone whom you feel is safe. Leak all the unwanted suppressed aggression.
We are not allowed to speak of it. What happened to us never occurred. I've been punched in the head too many times to count and at times my vision blurs. No documented hospital visits and its his word against my own. Children scurry to their secret spots feeling neglected and alone. We should have known. No he will not change, but I await as the days turn into night. I fix his meals and cleans his clothes and await another fight.
Will I die today? I ask myself as the tears stream down my lips. I am everything this man could want and yet he repays me with his fists. My body is unrecognizable as I look in a mirror and cry. These purplish-blue markings confine my legs, my arms, lips and eyes. That isn't all that is tarnished. I hate myself, my heart and mind. I hate having to feel such fear from the one man who changed my life. Yeah he changed me alright and now I await for him to end my life of regret.
My bags are packed and my mind is set. And yet still I haven't left.
I packed myself a loaded gun. Now if only I can get the guts to pick up my stuff and run.
I love him, I know its dumb, but its what I have learned as love.
Is this love? It can't be, but who do I have to tell me otherwise?
My dad beat my mom the whole time they were together till he left us dry. What can I do? What will I decide? Should I stay and rot or should I run and hide? Should I tell a certain someone or get a counselor to help? Whatever I decide, I really need to help myself.
See, abuse can happen to anyone. A family member or friend. The girl you talk too every Sunday at church, you know the one you least suspected. It doesn't matter where you come from, who you are or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's the color of your skin? What is the background of your family?
 We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!

                                         BUT WE DON"T HAVE TOO!!!!!

How Did I Survive It?

   

     I don't know how I managed to survive my own thoughts. At times I didn't even think it was possible to start all over again, but I made a desperate attempt to try . I couldn't just give up and waste my life stuffed behind closed doors tucked tightly under my comforter crying in a fetal position. That's not the type of person I am or was I should say. I didn't even know what it felt like to genuinely be happy anymore. The once love of my life sucked every inch of joy from me, but thankfully my music as well as the love I received from my little girl was enough for me to keep moving forward.
    I spent almost a decade hiding pieces of me, incidents I was too ashamed to admit I had accepted. If anyone had known, I don't think anyone would have believed it cause I was a strong, independent and ambitious pain in the ass to the ones who knew me well. I was a woman who made it her goal to dominate everything and anything that people believed men could do ten times better than women, such as sports, music, riding, etc. I never thought I would let a man hit me, let alone beat me in basketball. But when you fall in love, love will make you do crazy things and thinking irrationally is one of them.
    It is not easy to admit I have been strangled, punched repeatedly, kicked, been spit on, nearly stabbed, and body slammed. I have had busted lips, black eyes, concussions, had my apartment hallway set on fire, been chased, stalked and I drove myself into a tree just so he would stop screaming how worthless I was while my hands were gripped to the steering wheel.
     He tried to destroy every part of me, but I managed to keep my head up. I lived through this pain while trying to work, go to college, and live my dream singing while taking care of my daughter all on my own. His contributions were very limited.  I was trying to survive and he made it very difficult to do so. His addiction to crack only made things worse and money would come up missing on a regular basis. Sometimes dinner would consist of bread and butter with ramen noodles, but as long as my child's belly was full I was content with an empty stomach.
    The stress eventually led to numerous hospital visits. I was sick constantly and remained in bed for sometimes several hours a day. I just never seemed to feel rested. I wouldn't doubt I had depression along with a list of other illnesses that sprang from pure stress. I remember one day I was running into walls because the fluid in my ears were off balance. Things like this kept happening and it was hard to care for my child, but I made sure she received everything she needed.
    The day he nearly killed me changed my life forever. I lost everything because of his actions and I mean everything down to my car, my job, my home...everything. It changed my perspective and I eventually learned to fear love and what love could do. Living out of garbage bags was a game changer for me. Having my daughter sent to my mother's made the last piece of my heart evaporate. The government punished me for being beaten as if I made this happen to myself.
    When you are at the very bottom and none of which was at the result of your own choices, it makes you feel some kind of way. I guess I did choose to take him back again and again, but nothing to me made sense and I felt defeated. I tried to love the unloved and found myself wondering where to go next. He was sent to jail and I was on the streets alone.
    I started over and my self esteem was non-exisistent. My closest friend in the world was 1800 miles away and my family was kept at a distance. Sometimes when the ones you love do not support you, you need to make the choice to eliminate them from your life until they can. Trying to heal from a decade of mental, emotional and physical abuse alone isn't easy. You need friends, family, counseling and most of all...love.
     I met a man who made it his duty to try to love me. Even when I pushed him away again and again, he kept coming back for more. I wasn't ready to be touched, to learn how to trust and to believe every word he said. I told him repeatedly that I didn't deserve him so he kept asking me why. I couldn't answer him because I just learned to believe I didn't deserve love. At that time good men didn't exist because all I had known was pure evil. I didn't believe in love and my faith in God had been swept under the rug.
    As time went by, I learned to believe him, to trust him and to know in my heart he would never hurt me. Three years had past and I stopped crying in my sleep. The nightmares ended. I stopped hating myself and I began to start living again. Counseling and support groups were important for my recovery. I no longer did drugs or drank because I learned how to be happy without taking a substance to do it for me.
   In order to truly heal from something so traumatizing, you have to be patient, but you also have to try to live. You have to forgive the culprit, yourself and move forward. I had to learn how to love myself and to trust in love itself. Once I did that, I could talk about what I went through openly without feeling afraid or ashamed. If my story can help another, it would have all been worth it.
    Today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. No I wont ever forget the things I went through, but I can learn to live with my thoughts and those past experiences that nearly killed me. I don't have to dwell on what happened because it is over! It is over and I can live again without being called a bitch everyday by the one who is supposed to have my back.
     Love is not abuse and abuse is not love. If you are being abused, he does not love you like you think. If he loved you, he would never hurt you and it took me years to figure that out. I hope it doesn't take you long to figure out that your worth more than what he gives you credit for. Your body is to beautiful to be bruised. Your mind is too great to tarnish and your love should be honored and appreciated. Don't let anyone take you for granted! Look where it got me....I nearly died from it.
   

How Do You Get Back To Yourself? A Message to Survivors Of Abuse

    

  

 
    Why do we have the ability to remember? Why is it that we cannot just forget the things that we would rather choose to leave behind us? Well I am sure the purpose of having a memory is so that we could learn from our mistakes, possibly ponder on the good times we have had and so we could create an intellectual capacity of our own to further our success here on earth. And much more of course. The negative aspect to having a long term memory, is that your brain is actually programmed to recall events that have occurred from your past, even the ones you'd rather choose to forget.
    Episodic memory is a memory of events, times, places and the association of your emotions when a specific episode occurs. Remembering something, for instance, like the time my ex took out a pair of jumper cables and wrapped them around his throat until his face turned purple because I threatened to leave him is what is called an episodic memory. I will remember that memory forever as well as the day, the look on his face and my reaction to him trying to kill himself. It is recalling a recollection of a particular experiences or events that will be lodged into your memory forever.
     When I recall that memory it then creates a behavior, such as a dry mouth, the staring of my eyes off into space or maybe the movement of my body as it sways back and forth.  Just like when a dog is abused for so long, it's body immediately reacts like when its ears and body crouch down to the presence of his abusers hand in the air or even the volume of his or her voice. Our body learns to react based off of these memories. I only wish there was something that could take these bad memories away.
     The thing is, is how do we learn how to move on from memories that bring us so much pain? We can't forget them and we can't zap them away by sticking magic probes on our heads, so how can we live happily when these memories take over our thoughts? When I finally made the decision to walk away from my abuser, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had lived a certain life for so many years. I didn't know how to live any other way. I was forced into a messed up situation that ultimately left me with nothing because of my abusers actions.
    My car was sold for crack, which led to my unemployment, I was homeless and living out of garbage bags because he got me evicted and my daughter was forced to live at my parents because the courts said so. He beat me so bad in front of her to where the cops called Child Protective Services on me. Me? I was the damn victim in all of this just like she was. I eventually started drinking myself to death to get rid of the pain, which then ultimately led to my arrest for a DWUI and the loss of my license for 6 years. Then on top of it all I lost my man of 6 years...even though he did all this to me, he was still mine. How can someone get past all of that when you did everything you knew to be right at the time?....How do you start over from scratch?
   You pick up all the pieces, you cry it out and you get your ass back up and keep moving. Everything around you fell apart yes, but you are alive. A lot of women in abusive situations cannot say the same. You have the world at your feet and yes it will appear as if everyone and everything is rooting for you to lose, but the only thing that matters is what YOU think. Because abuse is mentally and emotionally damaging, counseling and support groups are really good at helping you restore your self esteem. You may be telling yourself that you are not good enough, but you need to believe enough in yourself to know that is crap! Your ex is no longer in the picture and his words and fists can no longer break you in pieces. Your mind is your own now!
    I cannot say how long it will take to be yourself again....you may never be the person you once were, but that doesn't mean you cannot be a success story. That doesn't mean you can't take this world by the reins and ride into a life full of love, joy and independence. This chapter in your life will close, but suppressing what has happened to you is not going to suppress those memories. Those thoughts will come back again and again and the moment you heal is the moment your behavior will change. It took me 4 years to fully heal and sometimes I still have moments where I feel like damaged goods, but in four years I have managed to do so much for myself to where it makes me realize how much of myself I once gave away. I am a new person now and it is because of all the work I did for myself in order to heal.
    Nothing will ever be given to you easy in this world. I am still struggling to be where I felt I should have been years ago, but that is life. Nothing can be planned and we sure didn't plan on falling hopelessly in love with an abusive prick, but we did. We fall, We get up and We learn from what caused the fall in the first place! We don't learn from success, we learn from mistakes...our mistakes. So how do you get back to yourself? All I can tell you is to try!
    Confide in a friend who wont judge you, get positive support from your family, and don't worry about love at the moment because love will come to you. You need to love yourself first. If you don't have a friend or a supportive family as I didn't in my time of need, you do have yourself and there are resources that will help you get the support you need. I get my support from complete strangers (counseling, support groups), an awesome best friend who lives 1800 miles away, my children and a man I just so happened to fall in love with while pursuing my dream. I once had no one and now I have so much and If I wouldn't have tried, I wouldn't have succeeded. Counseling would be a great recommendation because you can talk to someone who is there to listen and to help you in ways that can be life changing. Volunteering is a great way to help you feel good about yourself because your giving back to the community. 
     Rich isn't success, contentment is success, as well as love, happiness and healing. No, we will never forget the things we have endured at the hands and mouth of the ones we loved, but we can create new memories to override the negative ones. Our nightmares can become dreams and our pain can become pleasure. Giving up will only set you back. I cannot say it isn't normal to feel sad, anger, overwhelmed or even confused. Everything you are feeling is completely normal, especially feeling depressed. Take your time to reflect of course, but try not to make it an everyday thing.
    Try one thing at a time, anything you can do that will make you smile like yoga, an outing with your kids, or a night at the movies alone! Just try to smile and enjoy the fact that you survived one of the toughest obstacles to beat. You survived and for that you are one hell of a strong woman!
    
    

Did My Man Try To Smoke Me Out Of My Apartment?

      I had gotten used to doing everything alone. Even though I was in a relationship, I considered myself a single mother who worked hard to provide for my family the best way I knew how. It wasn't easy balancing two jobs, college classes and a four year old who was starved for attention 24/7, but I managed to make it work. I hardly slept a wink so I could keep up my grades for school. My daughter's father was constantly in and out of jail her entire life and now he was out and about on another crack binge so needless to say I didn't have his support like I should have. He never brought one dollar into our home, but he sure never felt a inch of remorse every time he pick pocketed me every chance he could, knowing it was for our bills and food. He didn't feel enough to care about all I did so we could eat. He just had to chase his next high and nothing was going to stand in the way, not even his only child. I was left to fend for myself.
      I felt so bad tossing my daughter from sitter to sitter, but I had to tell myself I was doing this for her. I spent midnights chasing my dream in the studio working on various albums because singing was my only outlet. My music was the only way I could express what I was going through at home without actually coming out and saying it, things I just couldn't tell anyone. My little brother was on drugs as well and I was constantly trying hard to drag him out of crack houses 3 and 4 nights a week, but every time I would help pay his debt, it only enabled him to keep going back for more. I was losing him too and I hardly had a relationship with my parents. Life was a bit lonely, but my little girl became my best friend in my time of need, holding me and loving me every chance she could.
     I had already been living with my daughter's father on and off for nearly 4 years now. His abusive hands arranged my first eviction from my first home so now I was living in a high rise that was infested with an abundance of bedbugs and crime. It was the only place available that would move me in within 30 days for a cheap price, but I quickly learned I would have to watch my surroundings. I hated having to fear my own environment, but there was nothing I could do. We cannot choose where we reside sometimes. Sometimes your just lucky to have a roof and running water and I felt blessed for those small things.
     I had already begun to fear the love of my life and now I couldn't even walk out my own door. A lot of rapes, robberies and stabbings took place in our apartment complex that I was not made aware of when I signed a two year lease, but we were dealing with it. Most of the time the elevators were down and the bangers in the area loved to hang in the stairwell smoking weed. I had no choice but to carry my sleepy four year old up 14 flights of stairs so I always made sure I packed mace and a hunting knife with a sharpened blade. I would never let anyone hurt my daughter.
    I had recently kicked out my partner again. This time it was because his drug habit had escalated. He was becoming more and more violent against me and the bruises were becoming more and more apparent. He kept stealing money, my jewelry and my only means of transportation. It just got to be too much. I was literally getting physically ill from all the stress I carried on my shoulders. He kept calling repeatedly begging to see me, but I resisted. He would pound on my apartment doors for sometimes hours at a time, but I would fail to answer. I just couldn't take it anymore. I loved him, but enough was enough. But he refused to give up. My mother always said he seemed like the kind of man that would rather have me dead than to be seen happy with another man. If he couldn't have me then no one would.
   It was around 9:00 at night when the smoke detectors went off in the hallway outside my apartment door. I quickly jumped off of the couch and poked my head outside my door only to be engulfed with a large cloud of gray smoke. All I could see were the tips of the flames and it was obvious that the fire was starting to spread at the end of the hallway near the elevators. I closed the door, threw on some more appropriate attire and grabbed a blanket large enough to wrap around my child so she couldn't inhale the smoke. Thank goodness the emergency exit was located to the left of my apartment door.
    I grabbed my baby, wrapped her entire body tight and made my way to the exit leading to the stairwell. I could see the flames approaching our apartment but I had made it just in time. My lungs were scorched from breathing in all the smoke and I couldn't stop coughing until I made my way down to the first floor. Other occupants living in the building were starting to pile up in the lobby area with their children in hand. The fire department had arrived in a timely manner and one by one they were doing what they had to do to put the flames out. I was scared, but at least my baby girl was oblivious to the whole incident.
   Minutes later my boyfriend had appeared out of nowhere with a stank smile plastered to his face. My heart jumped out of my chest. I couldn't help but think to myself " Did he just smoke me out of my own home? Did he just put mine, our child's and other innocent lives in danger so he could see me?" No, he couldn't have. This must have been a crazy coincidence." But then he spoke in a low tone, "Now will you talk to me?" I was in shock. I was scared and I wanted nothing more that to get away from this man for good.
   The fire department eventually allowed all of us to return to our homes. They announced that an individual had lit the garbage bags in the hallway on fire, my hallway. Sometimes people were to lazy to actually throw their garbage away inside the trash chute so instead they stacked it outside of the door where it would sit and rot until the maintenance threw it out properly. My man lit those bags on fire and he did it to get my attention. I lived on the seventh floor and he didn't think about the possibility of me not being able to escape? Or maybe that was the point. He didn't want me to escape.
    I tried to flee up the stairs with my daughter in my hands, but he followed close behind. I just couldn't run fast enough. I was screaming at him to leave us alone, but he was trailing close behind running up two steps at a time. When I got to my door, I tried to unlock it as fast as I could but he was right behind me shoving me into the apartment. I screamed and kicked as he tried to knock me and my daughter down, but a fire fighter came to my rescue. He just so happened to be on my floor containing the burnt area when he heard my screams. Luckily it scared my daughters father off and he fled down the exit stairs. I wouldn't get beat this time!
    The fire fighter tried to console me, but there was nothing he could have said that would have fixed my mind or my heart at that moment. The man I loved tried to kill me and my daughter again!! I did everything I could to end the relationship after that, but it wasn't easy. He had this hold on me that couldn't be explained. We put up with too much from the people who won't do a single thing for us and what's best for us in return. He ended up setting my floor on fire four more times after the first initial incident, which eventually led to full investigation and my eviction from the apartment complex.
    I just couldn't get rid of him and once again he made me lose everything I had ever worked for. He stalked me repeatedly until he beat me so bad to where he ended up going to jail to serve a 8 month sentence. I was on the look for another home because of him. I just couldn't understand why a man who claimed to love me so much would inflict so much pain on me. I also couldn't understand why I let him.
    CPS removed my daughter due to his abuse towards me, I was homeless and he ended up selling my car for crack, which led me to losing my job. I was living out of garbage bags, but thank goodness a friend eventually found me a place to stay so I didn't have to stay at a shelter. I had to start all over again, but this is where you have to start. You have to look at all the bad that he creates around you and you have to say that it is enough. Life is not supposed to be this way. I deserved more and so did my daughter. Do you want to know what happened? Stay tuned for more. For another piece to my puzzle of pain....Just know you are worth so much more! This does not have to be the life you are fighting for!

One Click Will Connect You To Resources That Can Help Save You From A Life Of Abuse!

    I wanted to post a link to a website that should be looked at by all women who are involved in a domestic violence relationship. This foundation is called the Feminist Majority Foundation and I think this is a very informative site for those living in the United States. This site posts numbers for hotlines and coalitions in each and every state in the US for those who are suffering abuse at the hands and/or mouth of their partner.
    The Feminist Majority Foundation also supplies information and resources to those who have been raped or sexually abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day and will connect you to valuable numbers, resources and the location of shelters in each state and city in our country. Each program has been built for women like yourself who are trapped in a situation they desperately want out of. We just don't know how to leave.
   This has to be one of the best, informative sites I have ever seen and if you are in a crisis, I would suggest visiting this link if you are feeling like you are ready to get out! I know there are a lot of you who are in pain every day. I know you stay for so many reasons, but there are also so many reasons why you should leave.
    This is your life we are talking about and your family, friends and/or children need you here. You deserve to live a real life with a partner who shows you real love. Abuse in any form is not love! Please just click on the link below.....just research the information in case you may need it one day because one day the abuse will escalate to unimaginable heights.
    Make some calls or call the crisis lines that are available. They are there for you to talk and they will not push you to do what you don't want to do. Just know that every person involved in these projects are here for you. If you feel like you are alone and you do not have anyone, I promise you, you are not alone anymore. We may be strangers, but we know exactly what you are going through and we have the resources to help save you and your children's lives.

http://feminist.org/911/crisis_state.html

Below is a International Toll Free Crisis Number that is for women who are overseas who need to call a crisis center. Due to funding they cannot supply housing, cash assistance or shelter, but they are there to talk or you can email them if that is what you would prefer.

 866-USWOMEN (879-6636) - International Toll Free Crisis Hotline
 crisis@866uswomen.org. - Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center email address

Can Anger Management Help My Relationship?

   What type of people do you think attend anger management regularly? I know the first thing that may come to mind are those individuals that are ordered to take classes by a judge, but that simply isn't true. Anger management is for everyone and anyone who want to improve their lives, manage their anger and to gain more self control. These classes are also a great way to save a lot of relationships that are going through a rough patch due to one or both partners expressing uncontrollable rage.
    We all know what it's like to deal with the effects of stress, except it is easy to say we all handle it in our own way. Some people suppress it, some cry, some folks practice yoga or other activities in order to handle certain amounts of stress and others may lash out directly or indirectly. Increasingly amounts of stress can intensify anger and depending upon the individual it can either make you socially withdrawn or it can make you what we call "hotheaded." Anger is a very powerful emotion, which at times can be taken out on others, especially the ones we love the most.
   I fell in love with an angry man, although I didn't realize he was angry until it was too late. I was infatuated and pregnant with his child. His past turned out to be a huge factor in how he acted and treated others around him, including me. He was never given the proper help he needed growing up, which most men are not because society has taught them to toughen it out. A lot of men are made to suppress their emotions, but if boys/men are not encouraged to feel their true feelings, anger will only build up within them over time. Eventually my ex's anger that stemmed from his past made it's way into our relationship, which eventually lead to me getting beaten consistently.
     Those who anger easily have what psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, simply meaning he felt he should not have been subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They're particularly infuriated if the situation seems unjust, such as being corrected for a simple mistake. Anger can lead to dangerous acts or situations like road rage, the throwing of objects (no matter the size), hitting or punching holes in the walls, doors, etc. and can very well lead to domestic violence.
    What can make people so angry? A number of things can cause a person to act this way. Two causes stem from genetics and physiology. There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered and these signs are usually present in the early stages of life. Another cause may be sociocultural. Anger is often seen as a negative emotion. While we are allowed to express emotions such as, depression and anxiety, we are not always allowed to express anger out in the open.
     I have seen people express anger due to their background as well as their family history. People have troubles dealing with their own race, sexual orientation, religion and some people grow up in dysfunctional families, which can cause an extreme amount of anger if we do not get the affection we need growing up. If we as children grow up in a household full of rage, we will learn to imitate it. There are so many different reasons why anger is so prevalent. We just need to learn how mange our anger and to notice what triggers our reactions. We can develop strategies and ways to avoid the things that anger us the most. We just need to openly recognize that we need help and to make the steps to obtain it.
    Today, anger management classes are seen as a great way to help individuals who want to improve themselves as well as a great way to learn how to manage their anger so our partners do not have to suffer the repercussions of our actions. Men can react impulsively and will turn their anger towards their wives/girlfriends, only to be remorseful after they have calmed down. I would never tell a woman to stay with her abuser, but I understand that women want to help save their relationships.
     I know exactly what it feels like to be pulled in two directions. Although I would always tell a woman who is being abused to leave the relationship immediately, I know that this is not always going to be taken into consideration. Sometimes we can't leave for what ever reason and we want to help our partners. If this is you, I would suggest these types of classes to see if they can help your situation, as well as individual and couples therapy. Will it help your relationship? The truth is, is I do not know if it will, but trying can't hurt. I just pray you will be safe while trying to mend your relationship. Not all situations are the same and some relationships will not heal with just a class or two. Sometimes parting is the best way in most abusive cases.
    I would not recommend living with your abuser while you are going through counseling or anger management. If he is willing to change like he claims he will, he will do whatever it takes to CHANGE! If you are refusing to leave I would suggest to your partner to take these classes immediately! It is for your safety and for your partner to get the help he properly needs to alleviate what is angering him so much to feel the need to hit you.
    Anger management is not just for chaotic relationships. It may also be a great way for you to relieve some of your own anger if you are a survivor of domestic violence. I was angry for so many years. I was enraged, depressed, confused, along with so many more emotions. When you are exiting an abusive relationship it is completely normal to feel this way, but it is not healthy to feel this way forever.
    We were dealt a bad relationship yes, but that doesn't mean we have to live in an abusive state of mind forever. We are survivors and we need to feel just that...like we won! Anything that you can do to help with the emotions you are feeling is a great way to begin the healing process. I know it may never feel like you will ever feel whole again, but take my word for it as a survivor of domestic violence....you will! It may take some time, hell it may take years as it did for me, but once you feel what real love is, you will wonder why you ever loved your ex in the first place. You will feel stronger, wiser and you will learn from this experience so that you will never except less than what you are worth again!

The first link I posted below is a site that shares information on the problems with anger and ways you can help manage it. The second link is a web page that will direct you to chat rooms, online meetings and email meetings regarding anger management. It also contains some valuable information you should research. And last, I also posted a helpful hotline you can call in case you feel the need to talk to someone who can help you through your issues anonymously. If you are looking to attend classes please Google Anger Management classes or Workshops in your specific area. It was very tough to narrow down a search when classes are spread all throughout the world. There is more help than you realize. Anger management classes are being held all around you. I hope this helps!!!

  http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anger_management.php  

http://www.recovery-world.com/Anger-Management.html

Anger Management Hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673)

 

 

If We Can Survive This, We Can Survive Anything!!!!

    I don't always understand why life seems to be one road block after another, but I am sure there are underlying reasons as to why things have to be so damn complicated. I was always told life was one big test and each part would ultimately prove who you were and what you stand for. The situations we endure are meant to build strength and character. We are meant to overcome the worst, but sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming when nothing positive floats in our direction.
     We go through these obstacles that seem impossible to withstand. We have been told we belong at the bottom and that are worth is no more than the life of a rat. We live in a community of people that have nothing better to do than to lie on us, gossip and cheat our kindness, but we are not weak. You are a lot stronger than you realize, but I understand wanting to surrender. I know it feels as if the clouds are directly pouring rain over your head and no one else's, but all of us have a story to tell. Some stories are worse than other's, but this is not a contest as to who suffered the most.
     We all have suffered and we all know what it feels like to hold on to pain. A lot of us cannot forget, which only holds us back from healing. We need to close our wounds and in order to do that we need to be able to speak on what caused our scars in the first place. I personally try to move on, but there is always somebody trying to pull me back to that place of turmoil and anger. Happiness is a right and there are some of us that would rather mope in misery. Some just take their good news for granted when we would welcome it.
     Bad things are always going to occur in our lives and I don't believe it happens because it is us, I think that it's just life, people and circumstances. Maybe we are just at the wrong place at the wrong time or hanging with the wrong circle. Who we choose to be in our lives will affect us one way or another, whether it be today or tomorrow, positive or negative. We can be up today and down the next, but that shouldn't defeat us. Even if we are our only cheerleader, that is all the support you need to become who you want to be.
    Rain will come, but the sun will shine soon. Your life can only be in this rut for as long as you want it to be, but the second you change your outlook and motivation, you only need to possess the patience it takes for your circumstances to turn around. It takes time, but that doesn't mean good will never come. Sometimes it takes leaving the world behind to be who you need to be, but once you are free you will understand why change was so important to excel in  your own happiness.
    Think positive, embrace change and leave those behind who only intend for you to fail! Healing from our past will take time, build strength and will enable us to help someone going through it in the future. Being ashamed of what you have been through should not hold you back from helping others. It made you become who you are today...a survivor and if we can survive this, we can survive anything!

The Problem with Filing False Charges of Abuse

    
     There is always another side as to why certain actions are not taken as seriously as others, which is why evidence is always the best way to prove your case in a court of law. People lie without fear of consequence and in most cases it is always as an act of revenge. The problem with falsely accusing people for crimes they did not commit, is that those actions hurt the ones who have actually been a victim of such crimes, such as assault, rape and domestic violence. It hurts women as a whole and it gives men a bad reputation. Yes, 75% of domestic violence is perpetrated by men, but we cannot forget the other 25% of the victims who are men as well.

     I really feel it is significant to address the importance of women who DO in fact file false charges of domestic violence against their husbands because those actions affect those women who really DO experience the reality of abuse every day. It takes away so much from us and as a survivor because we desperately need the support of the legal system as well as all the resources it takes to get us back on our feet. Our word of mouth is everything in this case and we need to be believed that this is happening to us!

    The sad thing is, is when I researched this subject I was overwhelmed by the amount of evidence supporting the use of false allegations as a divorce tactic  I really never knew false claims of abuse were reported so often. This just doesn't make sense to me. Why would any woman scream abuse when her husband never abused her? That not only affects us as a victim, it also affects every male who is accused of a crime he did not commit. He can ultimately lose everything he has ever worked for and for what?

      You may be asking yourself why a spouse would do such a thing when this type of violence is happening in our communities every day. Domestic Violence is real and programs, nonprofit organizations as well as real survivors turned activists are working very hard to raise awareness on a subject that women feel the need to suppress and underreport. But the answers always lead back to money….money and custody.

     For instance let’s say a wife is married, but she is having an affair with a man she plans to leave her husband for. Infidelity is labeled unacceptable and will always make the perpetrator look bad in any divorce proceeding. Instead of taking her chances she will provoke her husband by hitting him or by waving the affair in his face or by just plain lying to police officers. She wants him to hit her and she will push until he explodes when he has never committed this type of act in his past, but we all know we can be pushed to exceeding limits when we are in love with someone. I am not saying abuse is acceptable by any means, but the circumstances are certainly relevant.  

     An act of violence may or may not occur, but her deed is done. There are lawyers out there that are actually recommending their female clients to provoke these types of situations to wave the case in their favor. The male will look bad and the affair will be irrelevant . A protection order will be put in place, he will face criminal charges, custody will be granted to the wife, half of the husbands assets as well as the home will go to her and her husband’s name will be forever labeled as a wife beater. His life will be ruined by lies and he is now divorced and alone.

    Now this is only one situation, but all the research I conducted proves this happens quite often and I am embarrassed by the women who are committing perjury to win their case. No help will ever be offered to the husband in this circumstance because a woman's word is always considered the truth when it comes to abuse. The VAMA, which stands for Violence Against Women Act, is in place to protect women who are abused at the hands of their partners. We (as a whole) stand by women, supporting them and their children and we help them seek legal representation to file charges against their abusers. This is not easy for any woman who has to get up in front of the world and testify to what happened to her. It is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do in our lives.

       I feel it is important to acknowledge this because this is something that directly affects "US" as survivors and the women who are still going through abusive acts to this day. Filing false allegations of abuse is not acceptable by any means necessary and it diminishes our credibility as a real victim of abuse. It is like crying wolf when nothing is happening, then when it happens no one cares to respond. We need response from the community and to see people lying and strategically provoking their partners doesn’t give us victims much credibility at all.

      If you are a woman who is unhappy in her marriage there is nothing wrong with filing a divorce. Just file! Children are usually placed in the home of their mother and sharing custody can always give you a chance to have a little freedom. I know we all live different lives and just filing for divorce is easier said than done and some of us have religious reasons, but ruining your husband’s reputation for money and custody really defines your character as a woman. I know sometimes our husbands are not perfect, but we are stronger than letting our husband's get the best of us.

      There are also a percentage of women accusing men of rape and abuse who are not married or involved what so ever. Sometimes accusing someone is an act of revenge. I know we put up with a lot of crap within our own dating experiences, but I really look down on women who use false allegations as an upper hand. Yes, men do things that can anger us and I completely feel you!! Sometimes you want nothing more than to kick their butts for the stupid acts they commit, but this could eventually make it hard for victims to prove an assault occurred. We are trusted by our own word as of today, but the legal system could very well change that in the future.

   Yes men cheat on us, they avoid us and they hurt us to the core, but this is not the best way to hurt them back. Cutting off all ties, holding your head up high and succeeding to your potential is the best revenge you can give a man who took you for granted. Showing a man you once dated what he missed out on is the best thing you could do for yourself to avoid doing something you will ultimately regret. Trust me, all men love an independent, strong and ambitious woman so show him how far you can climb to the top and move on to someone else who will appreciate who you are.

     We all make mistakes as we age, but learning from them is what promotes true growth. If you have told a lie that has hurt someone to this magnitude, it is only right to speak the truth. A person's life can easily end because of social media. We have seen what happens to people in the spotlight, such as football players and celebrities who really do commit acts of rape and violence. Social media makes sure they never forget what they have done, but if they did nothing the truth should surface. People work hard to climb to the top and I have seen lies destroy it all as well as everything around them, such as jobs, scholarships, etc.

       We need justice to be served to the real perpetrators, we need to be trusted and believed and we need to be able to rely on the  justice system to get us through our own trials of rape and abuse. I was not aware this happened so often, but it is important for us to have an opinion on it. As survivors we need all the support we can get and teaching women not to use false allegations in order to gain more for herself is not the way to go. Perjury is punishable by law and we do not need to be stereotyped any more as women. We need to stick together because we are all in this together.

Below is a link that is relevant to my story. It describes more in depth about the problems with filing false allegations and why it happens. The truth is a bit disturbing, but it is a good read and apart of my research.

 

http://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=6008

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I know we all have felt the words to this song. When Rihanna and Eminem came out with this strong hit I couldn't help but sob. Every word was so real to me...all the abuse I had suffered was laid out in a few short paragraphs. You can't help but feel alone in an abusive relationship and music is the only thing that helped me through it. Here are the lyrics and video for you to feel. I like posting videos here and there to show you music that brings awareness to domestic violence. It makes me feel as if I am not alone. The chorus may seem confusing because of course we don't love the way he lies, but it goes deeper than that. It simply describes how much pain a man can inflict on us and in return we stay and accept it. We stay out of love, therefore we are in fact loving everything that comes with him, including his deception.
 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe
I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me,
And I love it, wait
Where you going, I'm leaving you
No you ain't, come back
We're running right back, here we go again
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, who's that dude
I don't even know his name, I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe, when you're with them, you meet
And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em,
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick, of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em,
Now you're in each others face,
Spewing venom, and these words, when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em,
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments, when you're in 'em
It's the rage that's the culprit, it controls you both
So they say it's best, to go your separate ways,
Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records, playin' over, but you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance,
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave,
Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie

 

A Proclamation by Barack Obama

 

 

Presidential Proclamation- National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, 2014

Domestic violence affects every American.  It harms our communities, weakens the foundation of our Nation, and hurts those we love most.  It is an affront to our basic decency and humanity, and it must end.  During National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we acknowledge the progress made in reducing these shameful crimes, embrace the basic human right to be free from violence and abuse, and recognize that more work remains until every individual is able to live free from fear.

Last month, our Nation marked the 20th anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA).  Before this historic law, domestic violence was seen by many as a lesser offense, and women in danger often had nowhere to go.  But VAWA marked a turning point, and it slowly transformed the way people think about domestic abuse.  Today, as 1 out of every 10 teenagers are physically hurt on purpose by someone they are dating, we seek to once again profoundly change our culture and reject the quiet tolerance of what is fundamentally unacceptable.  That is why Vice President Joe Biden launched the 1is2many initiative to engage educators, parents, and students while raising awareness about dating violence and the role we all have to play in stopping it.  And it is why the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault and the newly launched "It's On Us" campaign will address the intersection of sexual assault and dating violence on college campuses.

Since VAWA's passage, domestic violence has dropped by almost two-thirds, but despite these strides, there is more to do.  Nearly two out of three Americans 15 years of age or older know a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault, and domestic violence homicides claim the lives of three women every day.  When women and children are deprived of a loving home, legal protections, or financial independence because they fear for their safety, our Nation is denied its full potential.

My Administration is committed to reaching a future free of domestic violence.  We are building public-private partnerships to directly address domestic violence in our neighborhoods and workplaces, and we are helping communities use evidence-based screening programs to prevent domestic violence homicides.  At the same time, the Federal Government is leading by example, developing policies to ensure domestic violence is addressed in the Federal workforce.  New protections under the Affordable Care Act provide more women with access to free screenings and counseling for domestic violence.  And when I proudly reauthorized VAWA last year, we expanded housing assistance; added critical protections for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Americans; and empowered tribal governments to protect Native American women from domestic violence in Indian Country.

Our Nation's success can be judged by how we treat women and girls, and we must all work together to end domestic violence.  As we honor the advocates and victim service providers who offer support during the darkest moments of someone's life, I encourage survivors and their loved ones who are seeking assistance to reach out by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE1-800-799-SAFE or visiting www.TheHotline.org.

This month, we recognize the survivors and victims of abuse whose courage inspires us all.  We recommit to offering a helping hand to those most in need, and we remind them that they are not alone.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 2014 as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I call on all Americans to speak out against domestic violence and support local efforts to assist victims of these crimes in finding the help and healing they need. 

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this  thirtieth day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand fourteen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-ninth.

BARACK OBAMA