Self Medicating the Abuse Away

  

  
     I never dealt with pain very well. I never tried to deal with pain at all. Every time negativity impacted my life I made a choice to shut down and suppress all the unwanted feelings beneath me. I'd pretend as if nothing ever happened, but then something else would occur worsening the damage that had already been inflicted. In reality, I was being abused. I would go about my day smiling in front of the world as if my life was impeccable when in all actuality I was dying inside. I was ready to burst like a ticking time bomb and I needed to cope. The only way I thought I could do that was with drugs and alcohol.
    I drank and drugged myself for nearly a decade to forget. Forget a childhood packed with consistent mental, emotional and physical abuse and a six year relationship that kicked me down and punched me till I was blue in the face, among other things. No one is blessed with the perfect life, but we all handle stress in our own ways and I handled stress by zoning out and partying when the world slept. Everything was great until I started blacking out. I was taken in a car jacking (from which I escaped), I was arrested multiple times for drinking and driving and I woke up in a man's bed I know I never consented having sex with.
    Bad things happen when you are not fully aware of your surroundings and under the influence. No one ever taught me how to handle stress appropriately and in my mind I always thought I had things under control. I thought I was ok, but looking back on a life filled with so much chaos, I should have stepped away and researched some help rather then to self medicate myself through my abusive relationship.
    So much was going on in my life to where I felt the need to disappear so I decided to disappear mentally. I clogged my thoughts with a consistent dose of dopamine thinking I had found the answer to my prayers, but I was wrong. The high was no longer the intense euphoria I had discovered in the beginning, which only led to me ingesting more toxins till I became ill from obvious overdosing. My tolerance had built and my sadness remained. I could no longer chase my bad thoughts away and I had to learn how to deal with them on my own straight faced and sober.
     I was in love though and when your in love, no one can tell you anything. But I was killing myself so I could deal with my relationship. I couldn't live a day without being sober. I was a high drunk and yet I was functional. I could work, go to school full time, take care of a child and take the back seat in between. I was a functional addict, as some would call it. Then I got into legal trouble.
     That legal trouble helped me seek the help I needed for not only my addiction, but for my past as well as my present abuse. It changed my life, my perspective and it helped me learn how to deal with stress appropriately. I am forever grateful for the help I received as well the support I had in order to leave my abuser for good. Leaving made me a better person and it made me realize how abused I really was inside and out. You don't realize it till you have been gone from it for quite some time and you learn how to heal without fear.
     If this is you, you are not alone in this. I know hoe difficult it is to cope with an abusive relationship. The man makes you crazy, angry, deranged, conflicted, pitiful and at times can make you want to die. His words hit like a pack of razorblades because it is coming from the one man you grew to love so much, someone you trusted to love you back unconditionally and failed miserably. He not only failed, but made it your fault. Everything is your fault, even his past is your fault.
   The truth is, is there is nothing you did to make the man who he is. He was that way before you fell in love with him. He just hid it very well, pretending he was Casanova when he is far from it. I promise you that drinking and drugging your thoughts away will never help. It may seem like it will at first, but then he hits you again and calls you worthless again. He will always do what he said he will never do again, AGAIN. His ways have blinded you from seeing what is really there and there is nothing you can change.
    There is no point in killing yourself by self medicating your pain away because there are always ways to help you with what it is you are going through. There is so much we all have in common...we loved the wrong man and we are paying for it in ways we never imagined. All we need is the strength to leave. You are a woman who deserves more than what you have received. Don't drown out your thoughts the way I used too. I have a hard time remembering the good memories because I was too focused on blocking out all the bad ones. I have forgotten most of my past and yet I still remember every single bad thing that ever happened to me. It didn't work for me nor will it work for you.
     You have too much potential to throw it away and I have lost too many friends to drugs. I have lost several friends to heroin overdoses, to a suicide caused by drugs and I lost friends as well as my baby brother to prison because of drugs. I have had friends murdered because of drugs.
    My brother was my best friend and I lived ten years of trying to save him. Id pull him out of crack houses 3 to 4 nights a week, Id pay his debts so he wouldn't get hurt and I was there by his side when he was shot from stealing crack from his dealer. It is painful living with an addict and loving an addict nearly killed me. There is nothing to gain from this. There is only loss. Trust me! My abuser was an addict and I almost died.
     Thank God I am still here to tell you. If you are in my shoes just know there is help you can seek, there are support groups and counselors free of charge and there are treatment centers that will help those financially unstable. There is always a way. But there is only a way if you are ready to quit, otherwise it will never work. You have to be willing to change and there are always people standing by ready to help you when you do. Just never give up! 


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 If you are seeking treatment, please call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's (SAMHSA) National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Service at 1–800–662–HELP (4357) for information on hotlines, counseling services, or treatment options in your State. Drug treatment programs by State also may be found online at www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov.

What is Trust to us?

  

    Trust is not easily given, but it is everything to us. If we do not trust you, we will not let you beyond a certain point. Our wall is tall, wide and built of stone. Trying to break through such strength is nearly impossible to those who make a genuine attempt to care. People are begging for our attention and yet we cannot trust them enough to give them a piece of ourselves. We ask ourselves "What do they want from me? Everyone has to want something in return right?" 
     The pain is unbearable. What we have suffered has damaged our trust and our intuition of who or who not to trust, therefore we trust no one! Everything within us feels broken and trying to glue ourselves back together is a challenge. We want love. Hell we crave to be touched, but we are not going to give you our heart without a fight.
     After a woman suffers such trauma, we refrain to acknowledge a helping hand, especially if we were struck by someone we grew to love and trust without another thought. It is not an easy task to heal after direct or indirect abuse. A man has hurt us, beat us, threatened us and talk us down to the filthy floors. He has controlled our assets, our mind and our sense of freedom. It is not easy to let anyone in after this.
     My father always made so many promises that he never lived up too. He still does to this day and he still fails to remember my birthday. At times, our trust starts here. It starts with our own fathers because they are the male figures in our lives. He is the one to teach me what I should expect from a man. If he teaches me nothing, then I have learned nothing. So when a man sweeps me off my feet who pretends to be someone he is not I become entangled in his lies. I loved someone who should have been the one I passed by, but I ignored the signs and kept on loving him anyway.
     It is funny how we often choose the bad boys over the good. It always seems to play out that way. It not easy trusting a man to begin with, but after we walk away from an abusive situation we cannot take out our anger on the next man we grow to love. It takes time to get back to way we used to behave and sometimes there is no going back what so ever. It is important to be cautious yes, but shutting down completely because of one man's mistake only hurts you in the end.
     Not everybody wants something in return. As a woman we run in to a sea of pigs who expect sexual favors in return when they are nice to us. It doesn't even have to be sexual. We have friends that swarm us that will hardly go out of their way for us and it's sad. A true friend would never ask for anything. My point is, is there are good people out here and in order to experience the goodness people have to offer, we have to trust somewhat.
    It took me four years to trust again after my abusive relationship. Everyone around me had suffered, as well as my new partner. It is not something we intend on doing. We do not close ourselves off on purpose and it's hard for people to understand the things we have been through. It is best to always talk about the trauma you have experienced, especially if you plan on dating again.
     I am not suggesting you break out your past on the first or second date. But if you do see a future with someone new, it is important that they understand your actions as well as your emotions. We may act a certain way or close ourselves off unintentionally and we do not want them to think they did something wrong. 
    Sometimes men just don't understand us and it is important for us to express those feelings if we care about them. Pushing a man away is not going to help you nor will it help you find love in the right place. Lets say your making love with a new partner and he grabs your neck as a way to sexually seduce you. He is not trying to hurt you, but you push him away and refuse to speak on it. He is not going to understand that your ex used to grab you by your neck out of anger. Your new partner deserves an explanation so that he does not grab your neck during foreplay ever again. Communication is everything.
    Trust is everything in a relationship and even though one man caused us to lose that trust doesn't mean we cannot work on getting that back. We have to work on ourselves and we have to heal from we have endured. Otherwise we will fail to let anyone worth of being in our presence in. Even though we met one man who hurt us, doesn't mean all men are the same. There is a man out there for you who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. We have to learn how to trust in that love, in faith and in ourselves. You deserve to experience what is real.

It Doesn't Matter: Poem By Lindsey Haas

It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's your sexual orientation, celebrity status or ethnicity? We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!
It may be the girl at the corner store whom you see every other day or the woman you idolize on your favorite show. This does not matter for abuse can happen to anyone and everyone we know.
We may not want to speak of it or share our pain out load. It is not easy sharing our past, but if you survived this, you should be proud. Scream out load if you need too. Write a poem of expression. Talk to someone whom you feel is safe. Leak all the unwanted suppressed aggression.
We are not allowed to speak of it. What happened to us never occurred. I've been punched in the head too many times to count and at times my vision blurs. No documented hospital visits and its his word against my own. Children scurry to their secret spots feeling neglected and alone. We should have known. No he will not change, but I await as the days turn into night. I fix his meals and cleans his clothes and await another fight.
Will I die today? I ask myself as the tears stream down my lips. I am everything this man could want and yet he repays me with his fists. My body is unrecognizable as I look in a mirror and cry. These purplish-blue markings confine my legs, my arms, lips and eyes. That isn't all that is tarnished. I hate myself, my heart and mind. I hate having to feel such fear from the one man who changed my life. Yeah he changed me alright and now I await for him to end my life of regret.
My bags are packed and my mind is set. And yet still I haven't left.
I packed myself a loaded gun. Now if only I can get the guts to pick up my stuff and run.
I love him, I know its dumb, but its what I have learned as love.
Is this love? It can't be, but who do I have to tell me otherwise?
My dad beat my mom the whole time they were together till he left us dry. What can I do? What will I decide? Should I stay and rot or should I run and hide? Should I tell a certain someone or get a counselor to help? Whatever I decide, I really need to help myself.
See, abuse can happen to anyone. A family member or friend. The girl you talk too every Sunday at church, you know the one you least suspected. It doesn't matter where you come from, who you are or where you reside. Abuse lies dormant in the home of the rich as much as it does in the home of the deprived. What's the color of your skin? What is the background of your family?
 We all suffer together in unison from each abusive husband, lover and fling. We all suffer!

                                         BUT WE DON"T HAVE TOO!!!!!

How Did I Survive It?

   

     I don't know how I managed to survive my own thoughts. At times I didn't even think it was possible to start all over again, but I made a desperate attempt to try . I couldn't just give up and waste my life stuffed behind closed doors tucked tightly under my comforter crying in a fetal position. That's not the type of person I am or was I should say. I didn't even know what it felt like to genuinely be happy anymore. The once love of my life sucked every inch of joy from me, but thankfully my music as well as the love I received from my little girl was enough for me to keep moving forward.
    I spent almost a decade hiding pieces of me, incidents I was too ashamed to admit I had accepted. If anyone had known, I don't think anyone would have believed it cause I was a strong, independent and ambitious pain in the ass to the ones who knew me well. I was a woman who made it her goal to dominate everything and anything that people believed men could do ten times better than women, such as sports, music, riding, etc. I never thought I would let a man hit me, let alone beat me in basketball. But when you fall in love, love will make you do crazy things and thinking irrationally is one of them.
    It is not easy to admit I have been strangled, punched repeatedly, kicked, been spit on, nearly stabbed, and body slammed. I have had busted lips, black eyes, concussions, had my apartment hallway set on fire, been chased, stalked and I drove myself into a tree just so he would stop screaming how worthless I was while my hands were gripped to the steering wheel.
     He tried to destroy every part of me, but I managed to keep my head up. I lived through this pain while trying to work, go to college, and live my dream singing while taking care of my daughter all on my own. His contributions were very limited.  I was trying to survive and he made it very difficult to do so. His addiction to crack only made things worse and money would come up missing on a regular basis. Sometimes dinner would consist of bread and butter with ramen noodles, but as long as my child's belly was full I was content with an empty stomach.
    The stress eventually led to numerous hospital visits. I was sick constantly and remained in bed for sometimes several hours a day. I just never seemed to feel rested. I wouldn't doubt I had depression along with a list of other illnesses that sprang from pure stress. I remember one day I was running into walls because the fluid in my ears were off balance. Things like this kept happening and it was hard to care for my child, but I made sure she received everything she needed.
    The day he nearly killed me changed my life forever. I lost everything because of his actions and I mean everything down to my car, my job, my home...everything. It changed my perspective and I eventually learned to fear love and what love could do. Living out of garbage bags was a game changer for me. Having my daughter sent to my mother's made the last piece of my heart evaporate. The government punished me for being beaten as if I made this happen to myself.
    When you are at the very bottom and none of which was at the result of your own choices, it makes you feel some kind of way. I guess I did choose to take him back again and again, but nothing to me made sense and I felt defeated. I tried to love the unloved and found myself wondering where to go next. He was sent to jail and I was on the streets alone.
    I started over and my self esteem was non-exisistent. My closest friend in the world was 1800 miles away and my family was kept at a distance. Sometimes when the ones you love do not support you, you need to make the choice to eliminate them from your life until they can. Trying to heal from a decade of mental, emotional and physical abuse alone isn't easy. You need friends, family, counseling and most of all...love.
     I met a man who made it his duty to try to love me. Even when I pushed him away again and again, he kept coming back for more. I wasn't ready to be touched, to learn how to trust and to believe every word he said. I told him repeatedly that I didn't deserve him so he kept asking me why. I couldn't answer him because I just learned to believe I didn't deserve love. At that time good men didn't exist because all I had known was pure evil. I didn't believe in love and my faith in God had been swept under the rug.
    As time went by, I learned to believe him, to trust him and to know in my heart he would never hurt me. Three years had past and I stopped crying in my sleep. The nightmares ended. I stopped hating myself and I began to start living again. Counseling and support groups were important for my recovery. I no longer did drugs or drank because I learned how to be happy without taking a substance to do it for me.
   In order to truly heal from something so traumatizing, you have to be patient, but you also have to try to live. You have to forgive the culprit, yourself and move forward. I had to learn how to love myself and to trust in love itself. Once I did that, I could talk about what I went through openly without feeling afraid or ashamed. If my story can help another, it would have all been worth it.
    Today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. No I wont ever forget the things I went through, but I can learn to live with my thoughts and those past experiences that nearly killed me. I don't have to dwell on what happened because it is over! It is over and I can live again without being called a bitch everyday by the one who is supposed to have my back.
     Love is not abuse and abuse is not love. If you are being abused, he does not love you like you think. If he loved you, he would never hurt you and it took me years to figure that out. I hope it doesn't take you long to figure out that your worth more than what he gives you credit for. Your body is to beautiful to be bruised. Your mind is too great to tarnish and your love should be honored and appreciated. Don't let anyone take you for granted! Look where it got me....I nearly died from it.
   

How Do You Get Back To Yourself? A Message to Survivors Of Abuse

    

  

 
    Why do we have the ability to remember? Why is it that we cannot just forget the things that we would rather choose to leave behind us? Well I am sure the purpose of having a memory is so that we could learn from our mistakes, possibly ponder on the good times we have had and so we could create an intellectual capacity of our own to further our success here on earth. And much more of course. The negative aspect to having a long term memory, is that your brain is actually programmed to recall events that have occurred from your past, even the ones you'd rather choose to forget.
    Episodic memory is a memory of events, times, places and the association of your emotions when a specific episode occurs. Remembering something, for instance, like the time my ex took out a pair of jumper cables and wrapped them around his throat until his face turned purple because I threatened to leave him is what is called an episodic memory. I will remember that memory forever as well as the day, the look on his face and my reaction to him trying to kill himself. It is recalling a recollection of a particular experiences or events that will be lodged into your memory forever.
     When I recall that memory it then creates a behavior, such as a dry mouth, the staring of my eyes off into space or maybe the movement of my body as it sways back and forth.  Just like when a dog is abused for so long, it's body immediately reacts like when its ears and body crouch down to the presence of his abusers hand in the air or even the volume of his or her voice. Our body learns to react based off of these memories. I only wish there was something that could take these bad memories away.
     The thing is, is how do we learn how to move on from memories that bring us so much pain? We can't forget them and we can't zap them away by sticking magic probes on our heads, so how can we live happily when these memories take over our thoughts? When I finally made the decision to walk away from my abuser, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had lived a certain life for so many years. I didn't know how to live any other way. I was forced into a messed up situation that ultimately left me with nothing because of my abusers actions.
    My car was sold for crack, which led to my unemployment, I was homeless and living out of garbage bags because he got me evicted and my daughter was forced to live at my parents because the courts said so. He beat me so bad in front of her to where the cops called Child Protective Services on me. Me? I was the damn victim in all of this just like she was. I eventually started drinking myself to death to get rid of the pain, which then ultimately led to my arrest for a DWUI and the loss of my license for 6 years. Then on top of it all I lost my man of 6 years...even though he did all this to me, he was still mine. How can someone get past all of that when you did everything you knew to be right at the time?....How do you start over from scratch?
   You pick up all the pieces, you cry it out and you get your ass back up and keep moving. Everything around you fell apart yes, but you are alive. A lot of women in abusive situations cannot say the same. You have the world at your feet and yes it will appear as if everyone and everything is rooting for you to lose, but the only thing that matters is what YOU think. Because abuse is mentally and emotionally damaging, counseling and support groups are really good at helping you restore your self esteem. You may be telling yourself that you are not good enough, but you need to believe enough in yourself to know that is crap! Your ex is no longer in the picture and his words and fists can no longer break you in pieces. Your mind is your own now!
    I cannot say how long it will take to be yourself again....you may never be the person you once were, but that doesn't mean you cannot be a success story. That doesn't mean you can't take this world by the reins and ride into a life full of love, joy and independence. This chapter in your life will close, but suppressing what has happened to you is not going to suppress those memories. Those thoughts will come back again and again and the moment you heal is the moment your behavior will change. It took me 4 years to fully heal and sometimes I still have moments where I feel like damaged goods, but in four years I have managed to do so much for myself to where it makes me realize how much of myself I once gave away. I am a new person now and it is because of all the work I did for myself in order to heal.
    Nothing will ever be given to you easy in this world. I am still struggling to be where I felt I should have been years ago, but that is life. Nothing can be planned and we sure didn't plan on falling hopelessly in love with an abusive prick, but we did. We fall, We get up and We learn from what caused the fall in the first place! We don't learn from success, we learn from mistakes...our mistakes. So how do you get back to yourself? All I can tell you is to try!
    Confide in a friend who wont judge you, get positive support from your family, and don't worry about love at the moment because love will come to you. You need to love yourself first. If you don't have a friend or a supportive family as I didn't in my time of need, you do have yourself and there are resources that will help you get the support you need. I get my support from complete strangers (counseling, support groups), an awesome best friend who lives 1800 miles away, my children and a man I just so happened to fall in love with while pursuing my dream. I once had no one and now I have so much and If I wouldn't have tried, I wouldn't have succeeded. Counseling would be a great recommendation because you can talk to someone who is there to listen and to help you in ways that can be life changing. Volunteering is a great way to help you feel good about yourself because your giving back to the community. 
     Rich isn't success, contentment is success, as well as love, happiness and healing. No, we will never forget the things we have endured at the hands and mouth of the ones we loved, but we can create new memories to override the negative ones. Our nightmares can become dreams and our pain can become pleasure. Giving up will only set you back. I cannot say it isn't normal to feel sad, anger, overwhelmed or even confused. Everything you are feeling is completely normal, especially feeling depressed. Take your time to reflect of course, but try not to make it an everyday thing.
    Try one thing at a time, anything you can do that will make you smile like yoga, an outing with your kids, or a night at the movies alone! Just try to smile and enjoy the fact that you survived one of the toughest obstacles to beat. You survived and for that you are one hell of a strong woman!
    
    

Did My Man Try To Smoke Me Out Of My Apartment?

      I had gotten used to doing everything alone. Even though I was in a relationship, I considered myself a single mother who worked hard to provide for my family the best way I knew how. It wasn't easy balancing two jobs, college classes and a four year old who was starved for attention 24/7, but I managed to make it work. I hardly slept a wink so I could keep up my grades for school. My daughter's father was constantly in and out of jail her entire life and now he was out and about on another crack binge so needless to say I didn't have his support like I should have. He never brought one dollar into our home, but he sure never felt a inch of remorse every time he pick pocketed me every chance he could, knowing it was for our bills and food. He didn't feel enough to care about all I did so we could eat. He just had to chase his next high and nothing was going to stand in the way, not even his only child. I was left to fend for myself.
      I felt so bad tossing my daughter from sitter to sitter, but I had to tell myself I was doing this for her. I spent midnights chasing my dream in the studio working on various albums because singing was my only outlet. My music was the only way I could express what I was going through at home without actually coming out and saying it, things I just couldn't tell anyone. My little brother was on drugs as well and I was constantly trying hard to drag him out of crack houses 3 and 4 nights a week, but every time I would help pay his debt, it only enabled him to keep going back for more. I was losing him too and I hardly had a relationship with my parents. Life was a bit lonely, but my little girl became my best friend in my time of need, holding me and loving me every chance she could.
     I had already been living with my daughter's father on and off for nearly 4 years now. His abusive hands arranged my first eviction from my first home so now I was living in a high rise that was infested with an abundance of bedbugs and crime. It was the only place available that would move me in within 30 days for a cheap price, but I quickly learned I would have to watch my surroundings. I hated having to fear my own environment, but there was nothing I could do. We cannot choose where we reside sometimes. Sometimes your just lucky to have a roof and running water and I felt blessed for those small things.
     I had already begun to fear the love of my life and now I couldn't even walk out my own door. A lot of rapes, robberies and stabbings took place in our apartment complex that I was not made aware of when I signed a two year lease, but we were dealing with it. Most of the time the elevators were down and the bangers in the area loved to hang in the stairwell smoking weed. I had no choice but to carry my sleepy four year old up 14 flights of stairs so I always made sure I packed mace and a hunting knife with a sharpened blade. I would never let anyone hurt my daughter.
    I had recently kicked out my partner again. This time it was because his drug habit had escalated. He was becoming more and more violent against me and the bruises were becoming more and more apparent. He kept stealing money, my jewelry and my only means of transportation. It just got to be too much. I was literally getting physically ill from all the stress I carried on my shoulders. He kept calling repeatedly begging to see me, but I resisted. He would pound on my apartment doors for sometimes hours at a time, but I would fail to answer. I just couldn't take it anymore. I loved him, but enough was enough. But he refused to give up. My mother always said he seemed like the kind of man that would rather have me dead than to be seen happy with another man. If he couldn't have me then no one would.
   It was around 9:00 at night when the smoke detectors went off in the hallway outside my apartment door. I quickly jumped off of the couch and poked my head outside my door only to be engulfed with a large cloud of gray smoke. All I could see were the tips of the flames and it was obvious that the fire was starting to spread at the end of the hallway near the elevators. I closed the door, threw on some more appropriate attire and grabbed a blanket large enough to wrap around my child so she couldn't inhale the smoke. Thank goodness the emergency exit was located to the left of my apartment door.
    I grabbed my baby, wrapped her entire body tight and made my way to the exit leading to the stairwell. I could see the flames approaching our apartment but I had made it just in time. My lungs were scorched from breathing in all the smoke and I couldn't stop coughing until I made my way down to the first floor. Other occupants living in the building were starting to pile up in the lobby area with their children in hand. The fire department had arrived in a timely manner and one by one they were doing what they had to do to put the flames out. I was scared, but at least my baby girl was oblivious to the whole incident.
   Minutes later my boyfriend had appeared out of nowhere with a stank smile plastered to his face. My heart jumped out of my chest. I couldn't help but think to myself " Did he just smoke me out of my own home? Did he just put mine, our child's and other innocent lives in danger so he could see me?" No, he couldn't have. This must have been a crazy coincidence." But then he spoke in a low tone, "Now will you talk to me?" I was in shock. I was scared and I wanted nothing more that to get away from this man for good.
   The fire department eventually allowed all of us to return to our homes. They announced that an individual had lit the garbage bags in the hallway on fire, my hallway. Sometimes people were to lazy to actually throw their garbage away inside the trash chute so instead they stacked it outside of the door where it would sit and rot until the maintenance threw it out properly. My man lit those bags on fire and he did it to get my attention. I lived on the seventh floor and he didn't think about the possibility of me not being able to escape? Or maybe that was the point. He didn't want me to escape.
    I tried to flee up the stairs with my daughter in my hands, but he followed close behind. I just couldn't run fast enough. I was screaming at him to leave us alone, but he was trailing close behind running up two steps at a time. When I got to my door, I tried to unlock it as fast as I could but he was right behind me shoving me into the apartment. I screamed and kicked as he tried to knock me and my daughter down, but a fire fighter came to my rescue. He just so happened to be on my floor containing the burnt area when he heard my screams. Luckily it scared my daughters father off and he fled down the exit stairs. I wouldn't get beat this time!
    The fire fighter tried to console me, but there was nothing he could have said that would have fixed my mind or my heart at that moment. The man I loved tried to kill me and my daughter again!! I did everything I could to end the relationship after that, but it wasn't easy. He had this hold on me that couldn't be explained. We put up with too much from the people who won't do a single thing for us and what's best for us in return. He ended up setting my floor on fire four more times after the first initial incident, which eventually led to full investigation and my eviction from the apartment complex.
    I just couldn't get rid of him and once again he made me lose everything I had ever worked for. He stalked me repeatedly until he beat me so bad to where he ended up going to jail to serve a 8 month sentence. I was on the look for another home because of him. I just couldn't understand why a man who claimed to love me so much would inflict so much pain on me. I also couldn't understand why I let him.
    CPS removed my daughter due to his abuse towards me, I was homeless and he ended up selling my car for crack, which led me to losing my job. I was living out of garbage bags, but thank goodness a friend eventually found me a place to stay so I didn't have to stay at a shelter. I had to start all over again, but this is where you have to start. You have to look at all the bad that he creates around you and you have to say that it is enough. Life is not supposed to be this way. I deserved more and so did my daughter. Do you want to know what happened? Stay tuned for more. For another piece to my puzzle of pain....Just know you are worth so much more! This does not have to be the life you are fighting for!

One Click Will Connect You To Resources That Can Help Save You From A Life Of Abuse!

    I wanted to post a link to a website that should be looked at by all women who are involved in a domestic violence relationship. This foundation is called the Feminist Majority Foundation and I think this is a very informative site for those living in the United States. This site posts numbers for hotlines and coalitions in each and every state in the US for those who are suffering abuse at the hands and/or mouth of their partner.
    The Feminist Majority Foundation also supplies information and resources to those who have been raped or sexually abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day and will connect you to valuable numbers, resources and the location of shelters in each state and city in our country. Each program has been built for women like yourself who are trapped in a situation they desperately want out of. We just don't know how to leave.
   This has to be one of the best, informative sites I have ever seen and if you are in a crisis, I would suggest visiting this link if you are feeling like you are ready to get out! I know there are a lot of you who are in pain every day. I know you stay for so many reasons, but there are also so many reasons why you should leave.
    This is your life we are talking about and your family, friends and/or children need you here. You deserve to live a real life with a partner who shows you real love. Abuse in any form is not love! Please just click on the link below.....just research the information in case you may need it one day because one day the abuse will escalate to unimaginable heights.
    Make some calls or call the crisis lines that are available. They are there for you to talk and they will not push you to do what you don't want to do. Just know that every person involved in these projects are here for you. If you feel like you are alone and you do not have anyone, I promise you, you are not alone anymore. We may be strangers, but we know exactly what you are going through and we have the resources to help save you and your children's lives.

http://feminist.org/911/crisis_state.html

Below is a International Toll Free Crisis Number that is for women who are overseas who need to call a crisis center. Due to funding they cannot supply housing, cash assistance or shelter, but they are there to talk or you can email them if that is what you would prefer.

 866-USWOMEN (879-6636) - International Toll Free Crisis Hotline
 crisis@866uswomen.org. - Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center email address