Why Do We Believe Him When Nothing Ever Changes?

     No one would or could ever understand us and I think that is what makes us feel so detached from the rest of the world. And by us, I mean survivors, as well as those who still have yet to let go of the one who is causing us the most pain. Outsider's judge our actions and decisions, gawk at our bruises and talk about our lives as if we just grazed the screen on TMZ this week. "Why don't they just leave?" People state in confusion as if leaving for us is so simple. The truth is, until you walk into the shoes of a woman who is in love and abused, you will never understand the choices she makes.
   They only way I could explain to someone who  has never experienced abuse is to break it down in a form of questions. "Haven't you ever fallen in love before? Fallen so hard you would literally step in from of a bullet for them?  When they walk out of the door don't you miss every inch of their entire being? Now, if he makes a mistake wouldn't you do your best to forgive him?" Of course every woman can relate to love and the sacrifices we make to keep our love alive, but in our world abuse is the mistake that needs forgiving. It may appear as if we forgive easily, but nothing is easy about it. Love is blind, but it is why we accept their apologies. We really, truly and honestly love them.
     Why do we believe him when he says he will never do it again? That is always a tough answer, but we know why. We want so desperately for them to change and in the beginning we really believe that they will. Our men hold us in their arms, sometimes with tears rolling down their cheeks pleading for us to stay while expressing how sorry they are and how they vow to never let it happen again. They may even spoil us for weeks on end trying to make us forgive them for their actions.
     How can we not give them another chance to prove themselves when the remorse appears overwhelming for some of us. My ex would do all the great things that I had been waiting for, for our entire relationship after an altercation like bubble baths with candles, pedals and a massage. He would constantly praise me and plead his undying love, spilling out our dreams and what he promised to deliver in the future and he would make love to me as if I was the only thing he lived for. We don't want to admit to ourselves that this could very well be the end. I mean who wants to break up their family? He is finally appreciating me right?
    We go through the motions deciphering all the pros and cons for staying, always putting our own needs at the bottom. We stay for them, for our children, for economic stability, out of fear we can not make it with out them and honestly the thought of seeing them with another woman would make us crazy. Overall, we stay because we love them and we feel things can return to the way they used to be before the abuse even began. We hold on for that moment, we hold on for change and we hold on because we do not want to give up on our relationships that sometimes lasts several years. I mean, who wants to start all over again with someone new? I couldn't imagine loving anyone else.
     There are so many reasons why we believe them because we believe IN them. We believe in our relationship, our family and we believe change is in our future. We honestly do not want to face the truth even when it is staring us in the face. When we start to realize that change will never come it makes it that much harder to leave. We are attached! We have a daily routine with our men and facing our future without them seems impossible. Letting go is the hardest part and the abuse only helps them manipulate us even more.
    We may not even believe that we can do better than him. The abuse is put in place for a reason, to control us and to control how we feel about ourselves so that we stay. Abuse is like a magic wand, he waves it and we comply to his needs. He tells us what we are and we believe him, especially if we have suffered abuse in our past. Our past will almost always correlate with how we handle relationships in our future. If we grew up with abuse, whether physical or mental, we are more likely to put up with it with our partners. We weren't taught to stand up for ourselves or given advice on the men we should choose.
    We make up all these reasons inside of our own heads why we cannot leave them, but what about our own needs ladies? It is ok to be selfish sometimes, especially if we are not receiving the love and care we deserve. It will not work to stay for the children because children are great observers. They see everything that is happening, which could contribute to their own decisions in the future. Abuse is a cycle that will not break if it does not end here. Your children will pass it on and so will their children.
    I know you would love nothing more than to make things work here. You dream about getting old together and living happily ever after as I once did. But the lies will get old and the depression will begin to sink in. He will not change and it is on you to accept that he never will. Trust me, it is not easy admitting this to yourself.
    Starting over is not easy, being alone is not easy, but are all the lies and abuse easy to deal with everyday? I swear, my ex changed my personality completely and not being able to be yourself is a huge blow to your self esteem. I had to admit that life had to be better than this and it took me a long time to realize that life is. You just have to believe in yourself and believe that this is not love you are living. A relationship is not one-sided and once you break free you will realize the truth in my words.
     You will see yourself one day, accepting the same things over and over. You will see he will say the same exact things to you after he hits you and you will see that change will never happen when you are expecting it to. When you find yourself in this repetitive motion is when you will realize that you are at a dead end in your relationship. I know you want to hold on and the thought of letting go hurts your entire soul, but you have to make a positive choice for yourself  and for your family. Holding on will only damage your family more. Every choice you make will have an ending result.
     I had once believed my child would benefit more by having a father if I stayed, no matter what I had to go through. As long as my daughter was never inflicted physically by abuse things would be good for her, but I was so wrong. All the things she was forced to witness affected her mentally and , emotionally as she grew into her teenage years. My choice to stay hurt my baby when I thought it was the right decision, but I was young and never confided in to folks what I was going through. I was wrong and didn't even realize it. I was too busy worrying about her being fatherless and I didn't want her to suffer what I went through not having a father growing up.
    There are crisis lines available if you are at a crossroads and do not know where to go from here. I just do not want it to be too late for you. I didn't leave when I should have, when I told myself it was time a million times and I should have. It nearly ended my life and I do not want to see you end up in a position where you are facing death in the face. I want you to live the happy life you deserve, the life you always dreamed of with the one you love. Taking him back again and again when he makes no attempt to change or seek counseling should tell you everything you already know. It is time ladies.

Below are a number of different Crisis Hotlines that are made available to you at your discretion.
   
Crisis Clinic

24-HOUR CRISIS LINE: 866-4-CRISIS 

(866-427-4747)

 

Hope Line

Crisis line is completely confidential and open right now.
Call us at 919-231-4525919-231-4525 or 1-877-235-45251-877-235-4525

 

Crisis Call Center

24 hour Crisis Hotline

1800-273-8255

Crisis Call Center’s 24-hour crisis line provides a safe and non-judgmental source of support for individuals in any type of crisis. In addition to our 24-hour crisis hotline, we also offer crisis intervention services through text messaging. To access this service, text the keyword ANSWER to 839863

 

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline(866) 331-9474(866) 331-9474
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.loveisrespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline800-799-SAFE800-799-SAFE (7233)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.ndvh.org

Safe Horizon
Call for help (llámenos para ayuda) 1.800.621.HOPE (4673)

 

 

 

 

 

    
   

Domestic Violence is Real and We Will Show You....

This beautiful, aspiring actress never thought she would suffer domestic violence at the hands of a man she grew to love dearly within short 8 months, but she did and it nearly cost her, her life. This is what she looked like before the night her life changed forever.....

This is her after. Gabrielle made a conscious decision to post these shocking photos on to social media shortly after the incident to spark awareness. She is a brave, brave woman and I give her props for sharing her deep, dark secrets to the world. I know these photos are graphic, but this is the only way to get your attention. Physical abuse is REAL and needs to come to an end!! Below is an what Gabrielle posted to the world. This is an in-depth description of what happened to her on that frightful night in hell.....

 

 

Gabrielle is definitely and inspiration to me and I hope it will inspire you as well!!!

This link below shows a video that depicts the story of a young teenage girl who was beaten with a baseball bat by her boyfriend. She also made the daring choice to share her story on social media. Because so many women do not report abuse it still remains to be unseen. She never wanted this to happen to another girl again.....

http://fox4kc.com/2012/12/12/battered-woman-posts-picture-to-facebook-to-call-out-boyfriend/

A Big Thank You For Your Support!

     I really would love to thank all the individuals all throughout the world who have taken the time to view my new blog. Although no one has commented just yet I have had nearly 1500 views in a month's time and to me that is extremely exciting. I know it is not easy to speak on such deep content, but I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read something I feel is important. Domestic Violence is real and the more we get involved as a community, the more we can help save the lives of so many men, women and children who are abused on a daily basis. I love speaking on behalf of those who feel they cannot speak for themselves.
      If you know someone who is being abused, you should not just stand back and let their relationship play out. I know we feel getting involved in another's situation is none of our business and I completely feel you, especially if the abuser is a friend or family member of ours, but stepping in to help the victim involved could in fact save their life! If you choose not to get involved (which is understandable considering your safety is very important as well) then you can simply help by secretly messaging this link to them or any other helpful information you may come across.
      I am always posting helpful apps, numbers and general information that can be helpful in a victim's time of need. I have so many more ideas, topics and stories that will be posted nearly everyday to help those going through the most painful acts imaginable. I am trying to create a very versatile site that gives insight into this very important subject.
    It is difficult to understand why women stay, but there is always more to it than just plain love. Please help support the cause and repost this link if you can. Don't forget October is Domestic Violence awareness month! Any proceeds donated (depending on the agency involved) will help  provide valuable resources to women and children all over the world who are in an abusive environment. Thank you to all of those who have supported my writing to make this possible. I really believe this is only the beginning for me.  Visit yoursafesupport.blogspot.com

Is Forgiveness Possible After Abuse?

 

 

     Is forgiveness even possible when you have survived the absolute worst? As a child, all we ever had to do was dream. We dreamed about who would we be as we aged slowly into adulthood. I had so many ideas about who I would become, but I never imagined I would call myself a survivor. Yes we all survive so many different situations all throughout our lives, but did you ever dream of surviving abuse? No! I never even thought my character would accept such discrimination, but love will make you do crazy things.
     I saw an episode that aired today on Dr. Phil, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. Today I heard stories from women who escaped. These women left everything behind to live in a shelter because their men either threw boiling hot water on their face, tried to stab them or beat them past recognition. The pictures were horrifying. Actually seeing yourself in such a state is a major reality check. We never thought the abuse would intensify to such measures, but anger is unpredictable and will escalate in any given situation
    Anger is a very powerful emotion. Our partners lash out at us and we learn to develop such deep rooted hate overtime. I got tired of getting beat by the hands of a man who claimed to love me. Eventually I developed the nerve to hit him back. It did nothing to make my situation any better, in fact it made it much worse and I wouldn't recommend it. I should have just called 911. I was just tired of taking it, but my anger got the best of me.
   After years of beating one another to pieces I finally let him go physically, but my mind and heart would not hear of it. Nothing but pure anger, resentment and regret took ahold of me. I reached out to several different trauma counselors over a long period of time to help me with the healing process. Each and every one all had one statement in common to help me resolve the hate I had possessed. "You have to forgive him! Not forgive him for him, you have to forgive him for yourself."
     I was completely confused and wanted to slap the first counselor who had spoken such crap to me.  How can we forgive a man who did these things to us? How is that even possible? Do you know what he did to me? I had asked her with tears streaming down my face. She had took my hands and put them in hers and smiled. "If you do not forgive him, you will live with this feeling forever. Once you learn to forgive, you can move past this hate you have for him, for the world and for yourself."
It took me a long time to understand what she really meant, but it is only meant for you to move beyond your resentment to live a long, happy and healthy life.
    Forgiveness is a very important component of the healing process when you suffer through a traumatic situation such as this. I am not saying you need to have a conversation with the man and be best friends no not at all. You will know what I am talking about when you are ready, but forgiving is important for your growth. Sometimes, it just isn't the right time, but it is something that should be done for yourself when you are ready and willing. You do not even have to say anything to your abuser. You can just learn how to forgive him from within yourself. If it is a conversation you need to have, I suggest having people with you to support you in a public place after a long period of time has passed or over the phone. You deserve to be free from this pain. You deserve to feel safe, be happy and to be yourself again!
    I didn't even know where to start so that I could forgive a speck of what had been done to me. Women sometimes lose everything in order to escape the relationship. They can lose materials, their homes, their friends and family and maybe even their children. We even lose a piece of ourselves, which is not an easy piece to get back. With the right support from groups, counselors and anybody that can be there for you is always a great start in regaining your strength. You will start to feel more of a sense of safety and self worth the longer you are apart from your abuser, but the first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself!
    You did not know this would happen to you, to your children and to your entire life. You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions. You cannot hate yourself for not leaving sooner. You may not have had the chance or opportunity to since abuser's often isolate and control their partner's. We have to accept that this it what happened and we need to learn how to move past it. We must forgive ourselves and our abuser, although forgiving our abuser is not going to be easy.
     It took me almost a decade to forgive my abuser and I still have my moments where I just want to cry and scream "Whyyyyyyyyyy?" Because all forms of abuse affect you in more than one way. It affects how you act, how you act towards others, your trust, how you love (if you can ever love anyone again),. It affects your personality, your motivation for achievement, how you are socially, it creates the need for chemical dependency and most of all it screws with you mentally. Abuse kills your self esteem, self worth and your identity as an individual. There is so much abuse does to you as a woman, but with time healing is possible.
     You can live a full and happy life. Just try your best not to shut out love if the opportunity presents itself. Not all men are the same, but be cautious and do not rush yourself. This is your time now! This is time for you and your children to feel safe. You need to work on getting back to who you were before this ordeal happened. Although we will never be the same, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I believe that 100%! Good luck ladies and much love!

 

   

WHAT IS LOVE???

     What is love? I am asking each and every one of you what the true meaning of real unconditional love is. The definition states that love is an intense feeling of deep affection. Love is endearment, warmth, intimacy, fondness, tenderness, attachment and so on. There are so many words I can put down that can describe what love is, but that wouldn't matter would it? It wouldn't matter because we all have our own definitions of what love is to us and what it means. It doesn't matter what the world thinks or what the world defines as true love because we define it ourselves. We all live different lives, live in different environments and live within different situations so how can somebody else tell me what love really is?
     When we enter into a relationship with someone, we cannot expect perfection. We all go through obstacles with the people we attach too, but isn't love surviving those obstacles together? I cannot point out one relationship that doesn't have it's ups and downs. We all carry our own flaws and loving someone means accepting those flaws right? Yes to an extent, but loving a flaw that inevitably repeats doesn't mean we should accept it. So your man never replaces the toilet paper roll when it runs out or maybe he leaves the cereal bag wide open so the contents get stale after he grabs a bowl. These are things that can be changed, yes these are things that irritate the hell out of us, but these are things we can overcome. Abuse is not one of them!
        An anonymous woman wrote to me and expressed her thoughts. She married young. She decided to pop out a few kids instead of pursuing college as she had originally planned from the start, but she fell in love and we all know what we will do for a man we love. Her husband was financially stable, helping her with all the essentials she had ever asked for so what did she need to go to college for? Her life was set! She married the man of her dreams and she never had to worry about a penny.
    The thing is, is it took her years to figure out who her husband really was. He had money because he came from money, but he had problems that she wasn't aware of. He had addiction issues. When the money started to disappear from their joint account she started to grow suspicious. Was he cheating? Was he planning a vacation? No he was smoking crack! The more she drilled her husband, the more angry he would get. Every response always led to "I make the money, so it is mine and I can do what I want with it!"
    He started to drift away. He would disappear for days at a time, call into work consistently and his anger was starting to rise by the day. One day, she said he was acting paranoid and she couldn't hold her tongue anymore. An altercation broke out and he ended up giving her a black eye and two broken ribs. He had never hit her before, but he begged for forgiveness. She told the hospital a pack of dumb lies and she was back at home with the kids in no time, but bandaged.
    The pain didn't stop there. He never reached out for help regarding his addiction as promised so it only continued to get worse. She couldn't leave because she wanted to save him. Every wife should stand by their man right? But he wouldn't even consider rehabilitation because he claimed he didn't have a problem. She did everything she could to try to help him get better, but nothing seemed to work. She found herself walking on eggshells to avoid any type of spark in his demeanor, but that didn't stop him from taking what ever aggression he had out on her.
   She ended up in the hospital time after time, claiming that she was going to stand by her man and help him get better. She was going to change him no matter what, but he didn't have the will power to change himself. He lost interest in making love and eventually lost all interest in her period. All he cared about was drugs. She felt trapped. Felt she didn't have the skills to get a job that could keep up with their lifestyle so she stayed and put up with it. She didn't have a ton of family support and her best friend was her husband, her crack addicted, abusive husband. She felt she had no other option, but to stay and take it, praying things would change. 
    Now let me ask you again. What is love? What is the true meaning of real unconditional love? I give props to any woman who stands by their man when he is going through a rough patch. But the truth in the matter is, love is not this. Love is not abuse. Love is not leaving your family to fend for themselves so you can score some dope. Love does not put you in the hospital time and time again. Love does not disappear and then reappear when ever he see's fit. Love does not hurt.
    I see so many brave, strong, gifted woman around me. I see women who give their all to their men only to see them get walked all over like a welcome rug in return. I see it all the time! We are natural born nurturers.We are indeed the backbone in our own homes. We make it our place to fix what breaks so our families are well taken care of. But who is taking care of you?
    This story clearly represents so many abused women around us who are suffering abuse because they are economically unstable. This story represents a strong woman who has tried repeatedly to fix her family, but in no way, shape or form should she accept his flaws! Not these ones. Addiction and abuse go hand in hand and only get worse with time. If he is not trying to seek help or a resolution  to his problem then it is likely your family is in danger. When a man is high off drugs or if he is in need of an immediate fix, their anger escalates to unimaginable heights. Women die all the time by the hands of their lovers.
     I nearly died at the hands of my ex because he was too high to know what was going on in our conversation. He had thought I had threatened him when I didn't and when I tried to object he picked me up over his head and body slammed me to the cement. Along with many other things, but the point is, I never even said what he thought he had heard. Drugs will make you hallucinate and it will make people do things that they wouldn't normally do. You have to be careful, be cautious and I urge anyone to seek help immediately if this situation may be your own.
     I know we have our own definitions of love and for what us women suffer through for our men is commendable. Women will write their lovers in prison for several years, staying faithful the entire time. We will wait for them to come home without even thinking of stepping out on them. But what is enough to you? A black eye? A broken wrist? Or is it when he turns on the children. You have to at some point realize these are not ordinary flaws you are accepting, this is an inevitable death sentence. You deserve real unconditional love, every woman does! You just need to believe that!  

 

THESE ARE REAL STATISTICS SO PLEASE READ FOR YOUR SAFETY

A woman is more likely to be killed by a male partner (or former partner) than any other person.

About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence.

Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.

Seventy-three percent of male abusers were abused as children.

Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband in the past year.

Women of all races are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or partners in this country every day.

Intimate partner violence a crime that largely affects women. In 1999, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence.

On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.

Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.

Love is Possible After Abuse...I know

 



    When a woman is abused for so long by the people she loves and trusts the most, she hardly recognizes what a good thing looks like anymore. Even when a nice, good looking, church going gentlemen (or women) is staring at her with an appetizing expression screaming “Here I am right here, so come get me!” she still manages to try to shrug him off like a pesky little fly. Knowing deep down, inside the pit of her stomach she knows she deserves a piece of the happy life, she still hesitates to give any quality competitors a chance to show her what real affection feels like. Everything inside of her keeps telling she doesn’t deserve such luxury.  

   “There is no way a man like that would ever want baggage like this!” Just the mere thought of regret crossing his mind stops me in my tracks, but I decide to befriend him seeing is that we were working together. I don’t know why, but he had this magnetic pull on me I just couldn’t explain. I wanted him in my life and couldn’t figure out why when a relationship was the last thing on my list to priorities. He was the opposite of every man I ever dated, but maybe that is why the pull was so strong. He was different, but different in a good way. Besides falling for bad boys almost always end badly. The reason us women keep getting hurt in relationships is because we continue to crave the same type of man. Changing things up with definitely change your perspective on dating and on men in general.

    I was just getting out of 6 year battle with an ex who cheated on me, beat me, stole from me and made me lose everything I had ever worked for in my 24 years of life. There would be no trust left for me to give even if he was even interested. I was empty, alone and because my ex had nearly killed me, Child Protective Services made sure my daughter’s safety rested in the hands of my controlling mother. A mother, I had no relationship with outside of her love for my daughter. I was a victim and CPS used that weakness to take her from me, threatening if I didn’t press charges against my ex my daughter would land in foster care. What an amazing, supportive system we have in America huh? Instead of trying to help me, counsel me and get me the support I needed, they punished me for being abused.  That feeling had to have been the worst feeling to ever have when I had no one else in my corner. I felt like a complete failure when my daughter was always my one and only priority. Whatever she needed, I would scrub toilets to obtain.

   I had lost it all and I was on the verge of being homeless and yet this man was here in my circle trying to help me. When we were together he made me forget all about the pain. But the more he tried, the more I pushed him away. The more he showed affection, the more I feared I would fail him. The more I told him to leave me alone, the more he tried to love me. I could see my actions were starting to take a toll on him, but he refused to give up on me. I tried with all my might to trust him, to love him and to believe nothing negative would come of us, but something was holding me back. There was always this shadow of doubt that lingered in the back of my mind. It was hard to believe in something real when the closest people in my life had always been a big disappointment. To add more salt to the wound my first love choked the life out of me. I didn’t even have the energy to love myself, let alone someone I had just met. The abuse took everything from me and trust is something every relationship needs to survive.

   My mind just couldn’t forget what had happened to me. The more my ex put me down, the more I believed I was unworthy for something good. The more he punched me in my head, the more I feared man and what man could do to me. The more my ex lied and cheated the more insecure and crazy minded I became. And I brought all of what he had done to me into my new relationship. I was sure this new man was going to hurt me. I was absolutely sure! But each month that passed, there was no evidence to support my claims. Every nightmare I woke out of crying and screaming this man held me tight. Every time a block fell in the midst of my path he pushed me with positive words and guidance. When family would purposely hurt me and put me down, he would tell me to forget about them and keep moving forward. He just seemed too good to be true.

   Every single day he took on the challenge to try to love somebody that had been damaged goods for so long. I didn’t have a supportive family and most of the friends I had grown up with were either in jail or had overdosed from heroin.  My ex made me lose everything, from my car to my job, my home and my child. I even lost him. I had to start all over from scratch. I was getting things in order and I had to admit, this new man was my main support system. He wasn’t preying on my vulnerability like most men. He wasn't using me for a piece of ass. He simply just loved being with me. He kept my head up and I did the same for him.

   I went to therapy, domestic violence support groups, AA meetings to keep my drinking to a minimum and I even started volunteering to feed the homeless. The abuse nearly made me fall off, but I managed to get up the nerve to live a full life again. After a trauma, your mind just doesn’t work the same. You see things from a different perspective and trusting people doesn’t seem possible. It took 3 years for me to stop flinching when people flailed up their hands. It took time for me to stop crying every night and for me to believe that real love could exist. Even though I experienced so much devastation, I really learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I tried to take this negative and turn it into a positive. That is why I started this blog in the first place…to help!

    I know that I couldn’t have done this without this one man. The one man I put through hell in back in order for me to heal properly. I am grateful for his patience and extremely grateful that he didn’t leave even when I begged him too. I didn’t feel I deserved such great love. Now I no longer feel weak, instead I feel empowered, empowered enough to speak on my experiences so that other women can relate to me. We often feel alone, but there are more of us than you may think. You may feel as if your trust has run thin and I am sure that it has, but do not give up on love. Do not give yourself up to the first man who begs for your attention, be cautious yes, but do not give up!

     After abuse it’s hard to believe such miracles could even exist, but they do and they did for me. I haven’t even scratched the surface of my experiences and for someone who has been through hell and back, it says a lot when I tell you there are good men out there…you just may have to change what you are really looking for. Do you want the same old bad boy? Or do you want to live a great life? Do not give up on love sister….there is love past abuse!

Find A Group Near You!

 

Support Groups are there for you to let go. As women, we need to be there to support one another through such devastating times. Domestic Violence is a growing epidemic and these groups are here to serve you. We are there to listen, to share, to connect, to give advice and most of all we are there to relate. You are not alone nor will you ever be. You do not need to feel embarrassed to tell your story because there are so many of us that have the same exact one! Find a support group near you so you do not have to do this alone.