The Problem with Filing False Charges of Abuse

    
     There is always another side as to why certain actions are not taken as seriously as others, which is why evidence is always the best way to prove your case in a court of law. People lie without fear of consequence and in most cases it is always as an act of revenge. The problem with falsely accusing people for crimes they did not commit, is that those actions hurt the ones who have actually been a victim of such crimes, such as assault, rape and domestic violence. It hurts women as a whole and it gives men a bad reputation. Yes, 75% of domestic violence is perpetrated by men, but we cannot forget the other 25% of the victims who are men as well.

     I really feel it is significant to address the importance of women who DO in fact file false charges of domestic violence against their husbands because those actions affect those women who really DO experience the reality of abuse every day. It takes away so much from us and as a survivor because we desperately need the support of the legal system as well as all the resources it takes to get us back on our feet. Our word of mouth is everything in this case and we need to be believed that this is happening to us!

    The sad thing is, is when I researched this subject I was overwhelmed by the amount of evidence supporting the use of false allegations as a divorce tactic  I really never knew false claims of abuse were reported so often. This just doesn't make sense to me. Why would any woman scream abuse when her husband never abused her? That not only affects us as a victim, it also affects every male who is accused of a crime he did not commit. He can ultimately lose everything he has ever worked for and for what?

      You may be asking yourself why a spouse would do such a thing when this type of violence is happening in our communities every day. Domestic Violence is real and programs, nonprofit organizations as well as real survivors turned activists are working very hard to raise awareness on a subject that women feel the need to suppress and underreport. But the answers always lead back to money….money and custody.

     For instance let’s say a wife is married, but she is having an affair with a man she plans to leave her husband for. Infidelity is labeled unacceptable and will always make the perpetrator look bad in any divorce proceeding. Instead of taking her chances she will provoke her husband by hitting him or by waving the affair in his face or by just plain lying to police officers. She wants him to hit her and she will push until he explodes when he has never committed this type of act in his past, but we all know we can be pushed to exceeding limits when we are in love with someone. I am not saying abuse is acceptable by any means, but the circumstances are certainly relevant.  

     An act of violence may or may not occur, but her deed is done. There are lawyers out there that are actually recommending their female clients to provoke these types of situations to wave the case in their favor. The male will look bad and the affair will be irrelevant . A protection order will be put in place, he will face criminal charges, custody will be granted to the wife, half of the husbands assets as well as the home will go to her and her husband’s name will be forever labeled as a wife beater. His life will be ruined by lies and he is now divorced and alone.

    Now this is only one situation, but all the research I conducted proves this happens quite often and I am embarrassed by the women who are committing perjury to win their case. No help will ever be offered to the husband in this circumstance because a woman's word is always considered the truth when it comes to abuse. The VAMA, which stands for Violence Against Women Act, is in place to protect women who are abused at the hands of their partners. We (as a whole) stand by women, supporting them and their children and we help them seek legal representation to file charges against their abusers. This is not easy for any woman who has to get up in front of the world and testify to what happened to her. It is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do in our lives.

       I feel it is important to acknowledge this because this is something that directly affects "US" as survivors and the women who are still going through abusive acts to this day. Filing false allegations of abuse is not acceptable by any means necessary and it diminishes our credibility as a real victim of abuse. It is like crying wolf when nothing is happening, then when it happens no one cares to respond. We need response from the community and to see people lying and strategically provoking their partners doesn’t give us victims much credibility at all.

      If you are a woman who is unhappy in her marriage there is nothing wrong with filing a divorce. Just file! Children are usually placed in the home of their mother and sharing custody can always give you a chance to have a little freedom. I know we all live different lives and just filing for divorce is easier said than done and some of us have religious reasons, but ruining your husband’s reputation for money and custody really defines your character as a woman. I know sometimes our husbands are not perfect, but we are stronger than letting our husband's get the best of us.

      There are also a percentage of women accusing men of rape and abuse who are not married or involved what so ever. Sometimes accusing someone is an act of revenge. I know we put up with a lot of crap within our own dating experiences, but I really look down on women who use false allegations as an upper hand. Yes, men do things that can anger us and I completely feel you!! Sometimes you want nothing more than to kick their butts for the stupid acts they commit, but this could eventually make it hard for victims to prove an assault occurred. We are trusted by our own word as of today, but the legal system could very well change that in the future.

   Yes men cheat on us, they avoid us and they hurt us to the core, but this is not the best way to hurt them back. Cutting off all ties, holding your head up high and succeeding to your potential is the best revenge you can give a man who took you for granted. Showing a man you once dated what he missed out on is the best thing you could do for yourself to avoid doing something you will ultimately regret. Trust me, all men love an independent, strong and ambitious woman so show him how far you can climb to the top and move on to someone else who will appreciate who you are.

     We all make mistakes as we age, but learning from them is what promotes true growth. If you have told a lie that has hurt someone to this magnitude, it is only right to speak the truth. A person's life can easily end because of social media. We have seen what happens to people in the spotlight, such as football players and celebrities who really do commit acts of rape and violence. Social media makes sure they never forget what they have done, but if they did nothing the truth should surface. People work hard to climb to the top and I have seen lies destroy it all as well as everything around them, such as jobs, scholarships, etc.

       We need justice to be served to the real perpetrators, we need to be trusted and believed and we need to be able to rely on the  justice system to get us through our own trials of rape and abuse. I was not aware this happened so often, but it is important for us to have an opinion on it. As survivors we need all the support we can get and teaching women not to use false allegations in order to gain more for herself is not the way to go. Perjury is punishable by law and we do not need to be stereotyped any more as women. We need to stick together because we are all in this together.

Below is a link that is relevant to my story. It describes more in depth about the problems with filing false allegations and why it happens. The truth is a bit disturbing, but it is a good read and apart of my research.

 

http://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=6008

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

I know we all have felt the words to this song. When Rihanna and Eminem came out with this strong hit I couldn't help but sob. Every word was so real to me...all the abuse I had suffered was laid out in a few short paragraphs. You can't help but feel alone in an abusive relationship and music is the only thing that helped me through it. Here are the lyrics and video for you to feel. I like posting videos here and there to show you music that brings awareness to domestic violence. It makes me feel as if I am not alone. The chorus may seem confusing because of course we don't love the way he lies, but it goes deeper than that. It simply describes how much pain a man can inflict on us and in return we stay and accept it. We stay out of love, therefore we are in fact loving everything that comes with him, including his deception.
 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe
I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me,
And I love it, wait
Where you going, I'm leaving you
No you ain't, come back
We're running right back, here we go again
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, who's that dude
I don't even know his name, I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe, when you're with them, you meet
And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em,
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick, of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em,
Now you're in each others face,
Spewing venom, and these words, when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em,
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments, when you're in 'em
It's the rage that's the culprit, it controls you both
So they say it's best, to go your separate ways,
Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records, playin' over, but you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance,
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave,
Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie

 

A Proclamation by Barack Obama

 

 

Presidential Proclamation- National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, 2014

Domestic violence affects every American.  It harms our communities, weakens the foundation of our Nation, and hurts those we love most.  It is an affront to our basic decency and humanity, and it must end.  During National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we acknowledge the progress made in reducing these shameful crimes, embrace the basic human right to be free from violence and abuse, and recognize that more work remains until every individual is able to live free from fear.

Last month, our Nation marked the 20th anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA).  Before this historic law, domestic violence was seen by many as a lesser offense, and women in danger often had nowhere to go.  But VAWA marked a turning point, and it slowly transformed the way people think about domestic abuse.  Today, as 1 out of every 10 teenagers are physically hurt on purpose by someone they are dating, we seek to once again profoundly change our culture and reject the quiet tolerance of what is fundamentally unacceptable.  That is why Vice President Joe Biden launched the 1is2many initiative to engage educators, parents, and students while raising awareness about dating violence and the role we all have to play in stopping it.  And it is why the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault and the newly launched "It's On Us" campaign will address the intersection of sexual assault and dating violence on college campuses.

Since VAWA's passage, domestic violence has dropped by almost two-thirds, but despite these strides, there is more to do.  Nearly two out of three Americans 15 years of age or older know a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault, and domestic violence homicides claim the lives of three women every day.  When women and children are deprived of a loving home, legal protections, or financial independence because they fear for their safety, our Nation is denied its full potential.

My Administration is committed to reaching a future free of domestic violence.  We are building public-private partnerships to directly address domestic violence in our neighborhoods and workplaces, and we are helping communities use evidence-based screening programs to prevent domestic violence homicides.  At the same time, the Federal Government is leading by example, developing policies to ensure domestic violence is addressed in the Federal workforce.  New protections under the Affordable Care Act provide more women with access to free screenings and counseling for domestic violence.  And when I proudly reauthorized VAWA last year, we expanded housing assistance; added critical protections for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Americans; and empowered tribal governments to protect Native American women from domestic violence in Indian Country.

Our Nation's success can be judged by how we treat women and girls, and we must all work together to end domestic violence.  As we honor the advocates and victim service providers who offer support during the darkest moments of someone's life, I encourage survivors and their loved ones who are seeking assistance to reach out by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE1-800-799-SAFE or visiting www.TheHotline.org.

This month, we recognize the survivors and victims of abuse whose courage inspires us all.  We recommit to offering a helping hand to those most in need, and we remind them that they are not alone.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 2014 as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  I call on all Americans to speak out against domestic violence and support local efforts to assist victims of these crimes in finding the help and healing they need. 

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this  thirtieth day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand fourteen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-ninth.

BARACK OBAMA

 

 

Why Do We Believe Him When Nothing Ever Changes?

     No one would or could ever understand us and I think that is what makes us feel so detached from the rest of the world. And by us, I mean survivors, as well as those who still have yet to let go of the one who is causing us the most pain. Outsider's judge our actions and decisions, gawk at our bruises and talk about our lives as if we just grazed the screen on TMZ this week. "Why don't they just leave?" People state in confusion as if leaving for us is so simple. The truth is, until you walk into the shoes of a woman who is in love and abused, you will never understand the choices she makes.
   They only way I could explain to someone who  has never experienced abuse is to break it down in a form of questions. "Haven't you ever fallen in love before? Fallen so hard you would literally step in from of a bullet for them?  When they walk out of the door don't you miss every inch of their entire being? Now, if he makes a mistake wouldn't you do your best to forgive him?" Of course every woman can relate to love and the sacrifices we make to keep our love alive, but in our world abuse is the mistake that needs forgiving. It may appear as if we forgive easily, but nothing is easy about it. Love is blind, but it is why we accept their apologies. We really, truly and honestly love them.
     Why do we believe him when he says he will never do it again? That is always a tough answer, but we know why. We want so desperately for them to change and in the beginning we really believe that they will. Our men hold us in their arms, sometimes with tears rolling down their cheeks pleading for us to stay while expressing how sorry they are and how they vow to never let it happen again. They may even spoil us for weeks on end trying to make us forgive them for their actions.
     How can we not give them another chance to prove themselves when the remorse appears overwhelming for some of us. My ex would do all the great things that I had been waiting for, for our entire relationship after an altercation like bubble baths with candles, pedals and a massage. He would constantly praise me and plead his undying love, spilling out our dreams and what he promised to deliver in the future and he would make love to me as if I was the only thing he lived for. We don't want to admit to ourselves that this could very well be the end. I mean who wants to break up their family? He is finally appreciating me right?
    We go through the motions deciphering all the pros and cons for staying, always putting our own needs at the bottom. We stay for them, for our children, for economic stability, out of fear we can not make it with out them and honestly the thought of seeing them with another woman would make us crazy. Overall, we stay because we love them and we feel things can return to the way they used to be before the abuse even began. We hold on for that moment, we hold on for change and we hold on because we do not want to give up on our relationships that sometimes lasts several years. I mean, who wants to start all over again with someone new? I couldn't imagine loving anyone else.
     There are so many reasons why we believe them because we believe IN them. We believe in our relationship, our family and we believe change is in our future. We honestly do not want to face the truth even when it is staring us in the face. When we start to realize that change will never come it makes it that much harder to leave. We are attached! We have a daily routine with our men and facing our future without them seems impossible. Letting go is the hardest part and the abuse only helps them manipulate us even more.
    We may not even believe that we can do better than him. The abuse is put in place for a reason, to control us and to control how we feel about ourselves so that we stay. Abuse is like a magic wand, he waves it and we comply to his needs. He tells us what we are and we believe him, especially if we have suffered abuse in our past. Our past will almost always correlate with how we handle relationships in our future. If we grew up with abuse, whether physical or mental, we are more likely to put up with it with our partners. We weren't taught to stand up for ourselves or given advice on the men we should choose.
    We make up all these reasons inside of our own heads why we cannot leave them, but what about our own needs ladies? It is ok to be selfish sometimes, especially if we are not receiving the love and care we deserve. It will not work to stay for the children because children are great observers. They see everything that is happening, which could contribute to their own decisions in the future. Abuse is a cycle that will not break if it does not end here. Your children will pass it on and so will their children.
    I know you would love nothing more than to make things work here. You dream about getting old together and living happily ever after as I once did. But the lies will get old and the depression will begin to sink in. He will not change and it is on you to accept that he never will. Trust me, it is not easy admitting this to yourself.
    Starting over is not easy, being alone is not easy, but are all the lies and abuse easy to deal with everyday? I swear, my ex changed my personality completely and not being able to be yourself is a huge blow to your self esteem. I had to admit that life had to be better than this and it took me a long time to realize that life is. You just have to believe in yourself and believe that this is not love you are living. A relationship is not one-sided and once you break free you will realize the truth in my words.
     You will see yourself one day, accepting the same things over and over. You will see he will say the same exact things to you after he hits you and you will see that change will never happen when you are expecting it to. When you find yourself in this repetitive motion is when you will realize that you are at a dead end in your relationship. I know you want to hold on and the thought of letting go hurts your entire soul, but you have to make a positive choice for yourself  and for your family. Holding on will only damage your family more. Every choice you make will have an ending result.
     I had once believed my child would benefit more by having a father if I stayed, no matter what I had to go through. As long as my daughter was never inflicted physically by abuse things would be good for her, but I was so wrong. All the things she was forced to witness affected her mentally and , emotionally as she grew into her teenage years. My choice to stay hurt my baby when I thought it was the right decision, but I was young and never confided in to folks what I was going through. I was wrong and didn't even realize it. I was too busy worrying about her being fatherless and I didn't want her to suffer what I went through not having a father growing up.
    There are crisis lines available if you are at a crossroads and do not know where to go from here. I just do not want it to be too late for you. I didn't leave when I should have, when I told myself it was time a million times and I should have. It nearly ended my life and I do not want to see you end up in a position where you are facing death in the face. I want you to live the happy life you deserve, the life you always dreamed of with the one you love. Taking him back again and again when he makes no attempt to change or seek counseling should tell you everything you already know. It is time ladies.

Below are a number of different Crisis Hotlines that are made available to you at your discretion.
   
Crisis Clinic

24-HOUR CRISIS LINE: 866-4-CRISIS 

(866-427-4747)

 

Hope Line

Crisis line is completely confidential and open right now.
Call us at 919-231-4525919-231-4525 or 1-877-235-45251-877-235-4525

 

Crisis Call Center

24 hour Crisis Hotline

1800-273-8255

Crisis Call Center’s 24-hour crisis line provides a safe and non-judgmental source of support for individuals in any type of crisis. In addition to our 24-hour crisis hotline, we also offer crisis intervention services through text messaging. To access this service, text the keyword ANSWER to 839863

 

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline(866) 331-9474(866) 331-9474
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.loveisrespect.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline800-799-SAFE800-799-SAFE (7233)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.ndvh.org

Safe Horizon
Call for help (llámenos para ayuda) 1.800.621.HOPE (4673)

 

 

 

 

 

    
   

Domestic Violence is Real and We Will Show You....

This beautiful, aspiring actress never thought she would suffer domestic violence at the hands of a man she grew to love dearly within short 8 months, but she did and it nearly cost her, her life. This is what she looked like before the night her life changed forever.....

This is her after. Gabrielle made a conscious decision to post these shocking photos on to social media shortly after the incident to spark awareness. She is a brave, brave woman and I give her props for sharing her deep, dark secrets to the world. I know these photos are graphic, but this is the only way to get your attention. Physical abuse is REAL and needs to come to an end!! Below is an what Gabrielle posted to the world. This is an in-depth description of what happened to her on that frightful night in hell.....

 

 

Gabrielle is definitely and inspiration to me and I hope it will inspire you as well!!!

This link below shows a video that depicts the story of a young teenage girl who was beaten with a baseball bat by her boyfriend. She also made the daring choice to share her story on social media. Because so many women do not report abuse it still remains to be unseen. She never wanted this to happen to another girl again.....

http://fox4kc.com/2012/12/12/battered-woman-posts-picture-to-facebook-to-call-out-boyfriend/

A Big Thank You For Your Support!

     I really would love to thank all the individuals all throughout the world who have taken the time to view my new blog. Although no one has commented just yet I have had nearly 1500 views in a month's time and to me that is extremely exciting. I know it is not easy to speak on such deep content, but I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read something I feel is important. Domestic Violence is real and the more we get involved as a community, the more we can help save the lives of so many men, women and children who are abused on a daily basis. I love speaking on behalf of those who feel they cannot speak for themselves.
      If you know someone who is being abused, you should not just stand back and let their relationship play out. I know we feel getting involved in another's situation is none of our business and I completely feel you, especially if the abuser is a friend or family member of ours, but stepping in to help the victim involved could in fact save their life! If you choose not to get involved (which is understandable considering your safety is very important as well) then you can simply help by secretly messaging this link to them or any other helpful information you may come across.
      I am always posting helpful apps, numbers and general information that can be helpful in a victim's time of need. I have so many more ideas, topics and stories that will be posted nearly everyday to help those going through the most painful acts imaginable. I am trying to create a very versatile site that gives insight into this very important subject.
    It is difficult to understand why women stay, but there is always more to it than just plain love. Please help support the cause and repost this link if you can. Don't forget October is Domestic Violence awareness month! Any proceeds donated (depending on the agency involved) will help  provide valuable resources to women and children all over the world who are in an abusive environment. Thank you to all of those who have supported my writing to make this possible. I really believe this is only the beginning for me.  Visit yoursafesupport.blogspot.com

Is Forgiveness Possible After Abuse?

 

 

     Is forgiveness even possible when you have survived the absolute worst? As a child, all we ever had to do was dream. We dreamed about who would we be as we aged slowly into adulthood. I had so many ideas about who I would become, but I never imagined I would call myself a survivor. Yes we all survive so many different situations all throughout our lives, but did you ever dream of surviving abuse? No! I never even thought my character would accept such discrimination, but love will make you do crazy things.
     I saw an episode that aired today on Dr. Phil, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. Today I heard stories from women who escaped. These women left everything behind to live in a shelter because their men either threw boiling hot water on their face, tried to stab them or beat them past recognition. The pictures were horrifying. Actually seeing yourself in such a state is a major reality check. We never thought the abuse would intensify to such measures, but anger is unpredictable and will escalate in any given situation
    Anger is a very powerful emotion. Our partners lash out at us and we learn to develop such deep rooted hate overtime. I got tired of getting beat by the hands of a man who claimed to love me. Eventually I developed the nerve to hit him back. It did nothing to make my situation any better, in fact it made it much worse and I wouldn't recommend it. I should have just called 911. I was just tired of taking it, but my anger got the best of me.
   After years of beating one another to pieces I finally let him go physically, but my mind and heart would not hear of it. Nothing but pure anger, resentment and regret took ahold of me. I reached out to several different trauma counselors over a long period of time to help me with the healing process. Each and every one all had one statement in common to help me resolve the hate I had possessed. "You have to forgive him! Not forgive him for him, you have to forgive him for yourself."
     I was completely confused and wanted to slap the first counselor who had spoken such crap to me.  How can we forgive a man who did these things to us? How is that even possible? Do you know what he did to me? I had asked her with tears streaming down my face. She had took my hands and put them in hers and smiled. "If you do not forgive him, you will live with this feeling forever. Once you learn to forgive, you can move past this hate you have for him, for the world and for yourself."
It took me a long time to understand what she really meant, but it is only meant for you to move beyond your resentment to live a long, happy and healthy life.
    Forgiveness is a very important component of the healing process when you suffer through a traumatic situation such as this. I am not saying you need to have a conversation with the man and be best friends no not at all. You will know what I am talking about when you are ready, but forgiving is important for your growth. Sometimes, it just isn't the right time, but it is something that should be done for yourself when you are ready and willing. You do not even have to say anything to your abuser. You can just learn how to forgive him from within yourself. If it is a conversation you need to have, I suggest having people with you to support you in a public place after a long period of time has passed or over the phone. You deserve to be free from this pain. You deserve to feel safe, be happy and to be yourself again!
    I didn't even know where to start so that I could forgive a speck of what had been done to me. Women sometimes lose everything in order to escape the relationship. They can lose materials, their homes, their friends and family and maybe even their children. We even lose a piece of ourselves, which is not an easy piece to get back. With the right support from groups, counselors and anybody that can be there for you is always a great start in regaining your strength. You will start to feel more of a sense of safety and self worth the longer you are apart from your abuser, but the first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself!
    You did not know this would happen to you, to your children and to your entire life. You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions. You cannot hate yourself for not leaving sooner. You may not have had the chance or opportunity to since abuser's often isolate and control their partner's. We have to accept that this it what happened and we need to learn how to move past it. We must forgive ourselves and our abuser, although forgiving our abuser is not going to be easy.
     It took me almost a decade to forgive my abuser and I still have my moments where I just want to cry and scream "Whyyyyyyyyyy?" Because all forms of abuse affect you in more than one way. It affects how you act, how you act towards others, your trust, how you love (if you can ever love anyone again),. It affects your personality, your motivation for achievement, how you are socially, it creates the need for chemical dependency and most of all it screws with you mentally. Abuse kills your self esteem, self worth and your identity as an individual. There is so much abuse does to you as a woman, but with time healing is possible.
     You can live a full and happy life. Just try your best not to shut out love if the opportunity presents itself. Not all men are the same, but be cautious and do not rush yourself. This is your time now! This is time for you and your children to feel safe. You need to work on getting back to who you were before this ordeal happened. Although we will never be the same, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I believe that 100%! Good luck ladies and much love!