I never imagined I would ever accept abuse. I had always been such a strong, independent woman that would never take shit from anyone growing up. I had learned so much at the fault of others and thought I had everything figured out at such a young age....everything except LOVE! I remember the first day we met. My brother introduced me to him and I will never forget the advice he tried to give me that evening, which had been "Stay away from him sis cause that boy ain't no good for you."
Being the stubborn individual I was with a fetish for bad boys I didn't listen and wish I had. Instead I dove into a full blown relationship with someone who pretended to be the opposite of the devil he really was inside. Everything he did I was awed by, even the most simplistic gesture. That was the type of person I was. I was so appreciative of the little things in life since my past had been such a rollercoaster growing up. I really thought we were so much alike.
8 months into our love affair I shortly discovered I was pregnant, which I had thought was a very exciting moment for the both of us even though I was no near ready. He talked about all the great things we would be and become, but the second I expected a bit of responsibility from him my world turned upside down.
When we met I had thought he just had a bit of bad luck finding work and he always acted as if college was the direction he was headed towards like I was. He filled my head with so much talk, but when things got real is when he turned on me like a rabid dog. His teeth sunk into me deep.
The first slap to the face was when I was four months pregnant. I was completely taken back by his reaction to my pleas to find work and a place for our family to live besides our parents. His hand just came out of no where and instantly my cheek grew hot. I couldn't even respond for the first few minutes because it was something I had never expected out of him.
Soon enough I burst into tears and dropped on the front lawn in front of his mom's trailer. I think he was a bit shocked he even did it and quickly grabbed ahold of me. He soon comforted me, promising me that it was a mistake and would never happen again. Being that I was 19 and this had been my very first love I was completely hypnotized by his manipulation. It never stopped.
He hit me again and again and did a lot more to try to destroy my self worth, which I admit had worked. For some crazy reason this fairytale of us having this happy family had stuck with me contributing to all the reasons why I couldn't let go. I yearned for this picture in my head of completion, but we were anything but. Plus he was crazy as all hell and would just threaten to kill me if I ever left.
I didn't tell anyone for the longest time what was happening. My own mother had even lectured me on how I treated him so badly in front of her. I just couldn't ever respond to him in a happy manner when he would put on this show in front of everyone appearing like God's gift to women. He sure put on a show all right because everyone fell for it until the bruises started to appear here and there to the point where makeup just didn't do the job anymore.
One day my father had grabbed my arm and lifted up my sleeve revealing dozens of tiny bruises from the wrist all the way to my shoulder. The marks stemmed from my abuser holding me down to stop me from leaving the house, which he did almost every other day. If he didn't want me to leave he would make me stay, even after much larger altercations. My father dropped by my apartment and held him up on the front door by his neck strangling him. Even though it felt good to watch I immediately came to my abuser's rescue showing my dad out.
I tried to seek some type of resolution. I tried to get him some help, but when he started smoking crack the abuse only got more violent. If I had known shelters or support groups even existed maybe I would have gotten the help sooner but I was not aware of these resources. I hardly ever used the internet since I always kept it old school. I really had no idea what to do. I would kick him out, but he would return only days later with a new game plan that always fell through.
Life eventually became a complete nightmare and the fact he did it in front of our daughter made me hate him even more. People think we can just leave, but it is not that simple as it sounds. It is a process, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we feel we are not strong enough to leave since our abuser's know exactly how to break us down one day at a time.
All the years I thought he would change never came. My hope dwindled, my self esteem became non-existent and I looked like a complete idiot to all my friends and family for staying. He cheated, got me evicted several times and he got locked up repeatedly over the years leaving me and my daughter to fend for ourselves and more...much, much more.
The worst part is, is he stole everything he could for drugs, even the rent money. I couldn't leave two quarters on my dresser. I was going crazy, I became unstable and I stopped trusting people. I actually would believe I misplaced the things he stole because he made me believe I did. I don't think not one day went by in six years where I didn't cry myself to sleep. I don't know how I lived this way for so long.
The point is....is they won't change. Only you can. You can leave. It is not easy no, but it is possible to escape his death grip. You never know when the last altercation you have with him will ultimately be your last. I nearly lost my life before I ended the relationship for good. It has been over 6 years since we have been together and I couldn't feel more free. I feel beautiful again and I have a man that not only helps support our household financially, but he would never even call me a name or dare disrespect me.
There is life after love. There is love after abuse. But there is no love with abuse. No matter if the abuse is mental, financial or even emotional. There is no love with abuse. There is not even love for yourself and what the children who have to witness such acts? They learn to believe abuse is acceptable. Ladies.....love yourself and everything you stand for. Love comes in all forms, but there is no love in abuse and the abuse will never subside. No matter how many lies he feeds you it will only continue to get worse.
As the abuse continues to eat you from the inside out, you will only grow weaker with time. You will have a hell of a time just getting up in the morning to get your kids ready for school, to work, to get an education yourself, to eat, to dream or to even breathe. Love will no longer be love. It will only feel like a nightmare you cannot escape. You have a right to be happy. You have a need to feel secure and safe. And you have an obligation to give yourself all the love in the world. You just have to believe you deserve it!
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