I never thought I could love again. The love I once knew wasn't love to begin with, but at the ripe age of 19, the crazy, knock down, drag out, undeniable passion was all the love I had ever tasted. Growing up with a father that loved so little from a distance only drove me into the unknown land of pain and promiscuity. Skipping with a smile, going from guy to guy with the only intention of being a man. That being, I was playing the one game that was always intended to be played on us, the women that lived to day dream about "The One". I made an attempt only to receive the little bit of attention I needed for the evening and then I would move on...on good terms of course. I always made it known to them that there would be nothing more than this one brief encounter. I broke a lot of hearts that way, but the truth is, I really didn't know how to love someone. I didn't know how to trust, let alone let them tear down my walls so they could invade my bubble. Instead, I put chicken wire around my heart and stayed focused on the task I was striving for at the time. But then I connected.
Now how I connected with the only man on earth that could cause more harm then good is beyond me. I had passed up so many good ones and yet, I just tossed them to the side for some irrelevant reason. At times I really think I just wanted someone who understood me, who could relate to my upbringing and most of all I really believed I was in love for the very first time. We all remember how deep our love ran for our first loves. It was the "I'll jump in front of a bullet kind of love," but when things got hard, he ran, he did drugs, he cheated and most of all he started to blame me for his upbringing.
For the first time, I had poured out my heart and soul and he used me like a soiled boot to a welcome mat. I went to extraordinary lengths to make him see what a great, talented young man he was. I even filled the Christmas tree up with gifts because he almost always never had a Christmas as a child, but I couldn't fix what was broken within him. I paid all the bills when he couldn't (or wouldn't I should say) work, I made sure we had a roof over our heads with heat and running water and I tried to love him to my best ability, but my love nor anything else I attempted would ever be enough.
The worst part is, we planned a child together at a very young age and yet he left us to fend on our own during his bids in jails as well as his drug binges that lasted days, sometimes weeks. When he would return, our fights would turn physical and my body would take hits that I never imagined I could handle, but I did. I pretended he would change and for years I waited patiently, but nothing could make him realize the gifts he had in front of him. The last blow to my head as well as the body slam that felt as if a UFC fighter was trying to break me into tiny glass pieces, made me change my perspective.
I felt as if I had no choice. The state threatened to put our daughter in Foster care if I didn't press charges and when I sat on that stand and pointed the finger at the one I had once loved, they still took away my daughter as if she was a lost puppy. Before he went to jail he had sold my car for drugs, which led to my unemployment and his criminal actions got me evicted from our apartment. He spent every last dollar of mine on drugs before he blasted me one last time so here I was....the woman who stood by him through it all, left me with nothing. I was homeless, job-less and my daughter was an hour from me....a place where I couldn't take the bus to get to her. I was missing her life and I did everything that I knew was right.....except I didn't leave.
Not leaving, cost me everything I had ever worked for, it cost me my daughter and it nearly costed me my life. I felt numb.....actually I don't even think words could describe how broken I was and I was alone.
Now.....would you ever think I could love again? Could I actually start over after going through all that drama and pain for close to a decade? I didn't believe I could no. I just dove myself into starting over from nothing. I tried to remain optimistic and I worked everyday with the full intention on getting my daughter back. I managed to remain in college and I started working on music as a way to express myself. The drive I had in order to sing to the world all the experiences I had endured became therapeutic for me. Nothing felt as good as singing on stage in front of so many people....nothing.
My producer became my best friend, a shoulder to cry on and he found me a one bedroom flat to stay in so I didn't have to live in a shelter. There are people that can surprise you when you are drowning in the saltiest of all waters....angels really do exist. My producer introduced me to my future husband....a man I believed was out of my depth because he was a really decent man and bad boys have always called my name. But not this time...this time was different and his smile just melted my heart in two.
Our friendship started to grow and as we became closer, I started to step back. I made him love me and then I tried to push him away, thinking he deserved more, more than a washed up, broken, broke alcoholic with a shit storm of problems. No one deserved to inherit all that chaos, but no matter how many times I tried to push him away, no matter how many times I made it clear I couldn't trust him, he still stayed....and he stayed because he knew I deserved love too, no matter what I went through before. I had changes to make, therapy to attend and most of all I had to quit drinking everyday, which I would do to ease the pain of the past. He made me chose him and for all the right reasons.
Together, we bonded through my healing process, which took 3 whole years to stop the nightmares....this man stayed with me when I put him though so much pain because I couldn't get over what had been done to me. I feared his love and ultimately I feared he would leave me, but he never did. He is still here today and we have grown into such a powerful couple together. We have a son together and our love is deeper than I ever thought love could explore. The truth is, I really never knew love at all until my lips met his. Love is trust, support and it is supposed to be the beginning of a life long journey with twists and turns that put a smile on your face. Love isn't abuse and love does not call me Bitch when he is angry.
I never thought I would feel such pride and happiness as I live out my chaotic life by the day. We still have bills that at times we cannot reach, we have moments where life is so busy we can't even make love like we used too. stress hits us like any other couple, but having someone by your side who remains loving and optimistic is such a gift. I cannot stress over bills and rush hour traffic because I already lived through the worst. Now I am living everyday with a smile on my face no matter what the day may bring. Not everything is perfect by far and everyday I always wish for just a little more time to sit and hug my man close, but when you have to work early and the kids have to be to school on time....extending time just isn't realistic.
The point I am trying to make is simple...we all struggle, we all work, we all have children, we all go to school and we all go through the repetition each day to make big things happen in our futures. What is the point on building a future if you are building one with a man who hardly respects you. How can you see a future with daily kicks to the back or slaps the face? He calls you a bitch? a slut? and a whore? Can he possibly try to make you feel any worse?
I lived this....I lived this pain everyday and I never smiled. I wasn't happy and yet I was forcing something that just wasn't going to work...I was on pins and needles praying for God to change the man I held on to for so long, but everyday remained the same. One good days and seven more bad ones to follow....one day cannot possibly make up all the things he did to you to tear you down. I lost everything so that God could lead me to the man who was going to give me everything, including real love. Everything happens for a reason...tragedy gives us a new perspective, in which you can use to drive your determination to make your life better.
Living everyday not knowing what bad shit may occur this time is not how life is supposed to be. Life is living, laughing and lots and lots of love making with a man you know who will always have your back no matter what! A coward cannot be loved and a coward cannot love you the way you deserve to be loved! Please believe that!
