I know it has been too long since I have written. I made a commitment to myself and to those that have taken the time to read my thoughts, feelings and tainted emotions and yet I have been absent. I haven't tried to neglect the audience that has supported me from day one, but sometimes writer's have moments where they are not sure what to say. We all have different lives on the outside and it can be consuming at times. We have moments where we just need to take a minute to re-group and my daughter has been quite ill, but I not forgotten what I started here.
I wanted to make a connection to those women who have all experienced the same pain as I. A hole that dug so deep in our hearts, we couldn't even see the bigger picture. I chased a dream with a man that never dreamed at all, he just lived from moment to moment and never wanted what I knew I could obtain. My parents were not the type of people to cheer me on to the next phase in life, but I knew I was a strong women with undeniable passion for success.
Let's just say a relationship hardly survives when one partner wants more in life than the other. I can't possibly strive and have a partner who could care less about goals and life's ambition. I thought our love was unbreakable and a man would try for the woman he loves, but all he tried to do was to get high, beat me and go to jail, a cycle that only repeated itself for 6 long years. You would have thought I would have the sense to realize that he wasn't the right guy for me, but his struggles felt my struggles and we connected.
I stayed as he let me down again and again. I was faithful even when he would cheat on a regular basis. I was a provider as he continued to sleep in everyday making my resentment obvious on my face. I became a hateful woman, even in public and in front of our mutual friends. I despised the person I was and I was angry, hurt and I was a victim of physical, mental and emotional violence.
Being told you are a mistake everyday to the man you take care of, support and honor slowly starts to kill the little light inside of our own smile. I never smiled much when we went out or hung out with our friends, but everybody knew. They knew he was a horrible man to me and most would question how I could even fall for a guy like him, but I am a forgiving person who adores the little things in life our partners show us in secrecy. You hold on to those good moments, praying that they would just occur more often. But they don't. We yell, we fight and now we are injured.
I look back on all my mistakes and shake my head to the choices I once made, but the truth is, is that I was a loving, forgiving, strong, independent woman and I still am. I just wish I could have had the strength the leave sooner than I did. I waited faithfully every bid in jail he did. I ignored all the missing money and I literally let him hurt me physically and just let him apologize after.
There eventually comes that time in your relationship where you have to tell your mind, body and spirit that enough is enough. We are weak and tired....very, very tired of crying. We are tired of this all and all you don't care to give me in return for my dedication to our bond. I made you a father and I tried to make you a man, but no woman on earth can do such thing. We cannot teach our men to be men. A man would never live each day with the intention of maliciously hurting the one they claim to love for dear life. That last time I was his girlfriend was the day he nearly ended my life and I have not looked back since.
If you are living hell every day then maybe you should seek a change. They always tell us that the problem is us, but of course they are going to say that!! Have they ever taken responsibility for their actions? Yeah, maybe....until they just do it again and again until he really hurts us. I was traumatized by his way with words, his humor and lastly I was traumatized indefinitely by his hate for life itself. I was the punching bag as he dealt with his issues and I made it a point to hold it in. There went my willingness to speak on what I endured at home when the world slept. I was silent and then I broke.
Nervous breakdowns are not suggested, but the stress can literally kill you from the inside, out. I lost a dramatic amount of weight, I became promiscuous and I didn't trust a soul........until I met man number two. The kind of man I thought would never lay eyes on me, but he did and he slowly taught me how to love again. It was a process, a very lengthy process that took years of commitment and strength (on his part).
The honest truth was, was this man was a good man, a real good man and I tried to make him leave me, I tried to convince him how damaged and broken I was and how I did not deserve his love. I almost gave up my future because I was purposely sabotaging a chance at real love because of what my ex told me I was??? "I was a mistake!" That is what always went through my mind because that is all I ever lived. I never felt free, really free! I never experienced a happiness that extended past a week. Our happiness never stops and I cannot stop thinking how grateful I am to have such an amazing person in my life, the type of person I never thought would love me.
I went on a date tonight and I took my man out for dinner for his birthday. It was the greatest night of my life...I felt real genuine appreciation for the patience this man had for me to get healthy mentally again. We now have been together for almost 7 years and sometimes I just cannot believe the pain I allowed into my life so long ago. How did I not see it? Why did I stay so long?
These questions torment me at times, but my man always tells me the past was the past, lets look ahead to our future and let the past motivate us through. (Most people will not understand what we went through and they have a tough time relating to such experiences).
I know a lot of us have not sought another relationship, or maybe we have, we just keep getting similar results in our taste in men. But we just simply need to change that and tweak that a bit. We get crappy results if we are choosing the same type of guy, but we have a taste and I get that,,,,sometimes we yearn for the bad boys, but I think we had enough bad boy for a lifetime. It took me years to realize that good even men existed, but they do and my man is not perfect by any means but he would never, ever lay a hand on me. He would never disrespect me and he has never once made me feel how I used to feel everyday for six years.
I just want to shed some hope on your future because you have a future ahead of you and we decide who we will share it with. I can't say that this pain will ever leave you because it never leaves you. Our memories are a constant reminder of the turn of events that played out overtime, but as time ticks on, we will build new memories and create a safe environment for ourselves. We can be whatever it is we what to be....I know it seems hopeless, but it's only hopeless if you give up. We are too strong for that...I mean look at what we went through and we are still here, still standing tall and undefeated.
The time will slowly start to eat away the pain piece by piece and getting support from friends, family members or even other domestic violence survivors will help with the journey to recovery.
I understand we also may have children by our abusers and it will be tough to face him when visitation begins, but that is only something that can pass with time. Nothing is easy about that. Having a third party involved would be helpful in that process so you do not have to communicate with your ex. Drop the kids off at the third party's destination and he can pick them up. That would be a helpful solution if you can make it happen.
The point of all of this babbling is simple to me.....I am so appreciative that I have my smile, my safety and my security back. If you see something good in someone, don't try to push them away from your heart. A friend is always good to have near, but when you are ready to move on, a decent man will never be far. I really do believe we have soul-mates, we just have a hard time trying to figure out who they are. We try relationships like we try on shoes...we are looking for the right fit and your other half is out there, more than likely waiting on you to open your heart to him.
It is never too late to have a little faith and of all the people in the world I believe in your ability to achieve greatness. I am a complete stranger indeed, but I have walked in your shoes and you have walked in mine. Together all we can do is try to push one another forward....forward into our careers, our health, our stability, our families and most of all, we need a gentle push in our trust for others. One man hurt us and he lit us on fire, but that doesn't mean another man cannot put out the burning flame and kiss your wounds.
